d word

John Mayer said this: "I can tell you this much, I will marry just once." ("Home Life" from his Heavier Things album.) Oh John....I thought the same thing. Forever is forever. A covenant is a covenant. Til death means....well, death.

Here's the thing. Sometimes people change their minds. Sometimes, it doesn't matter how much you want to be married or how much you want things to work or how much time and energy you put into someone, they still have the ability to choose. They can decide to walk away. And that, in a nutshell is what happened to me circa January 18th. More solidly February 11th,  semi-permanently March 18th, and legally April 7th.

I've compiled a list of words that start with "d" that I have felt or are associated with my situation over the last 6 months.

Derailed
Devastated
Disappointed

Decision

Deeply hurt
Dishonest
Dikes
Development
Disaster
Dumped
Duped
Dumb
Discombobulated
Dis-chord
Douchebag
Diamond
Dick
Deserted
Devotion
Dagger
Dollars
Dents
Drowning
Desk job
Doing
Deceived
Desire
Denial
Defining
Damnit (*Sorry Mom.)
Dawn

Don't 

Dig Deep
Dancing
Disconnected
Dictatorship
Distance
Disfunction
Divorce

Yep. Divorce. That's the d word. It is such an ugly word. It carries a lot of baggage. I don't like saying it. I don't like saying "ex" before the word husband. I don't like the year 2011. I'm sure I won't feel that way forever....but I do right now and in the practice of honesty, I'm not going to sugar-coat this.

In the beginning of all of the chaos that has been 2011, I felt like that guy that Tom Hanks was playing in Cast Away. I felt like a plane crashed right into my life, over an ocean, and I was the only survivor. And of course that ocean was in the midst of both a tsunami and a hurricane. I felt like the first time I tried the Wave Pool at White Water and went too deep. I was just getting kicked in the rear by waves from all sides. I was gasping for air.

My chest physically hurt until somewhere in the middle of March. It felt like my heart had literally broken into 12847193723847102834 pieces and yet were all still loosely held together by really worn out threads. And somehow, my heart was still able to beat. But it was like 4 different sections all had different beats. I felt like I could hear all the clanging and banging and chaotic tumbling the pieces were doing in there. All the while, feeling the literal pain of it trying to simultaneously function and keep me alive.  It was brutal. I’ve never felt anything like it before. My _____ was shattered. I’ve inserted different things into that blank over the months.

Brain. Heart. Soul. Body. Self-Worth. Confidence. Marriage. Identity.

I’m happy to report, now, standing on the other side of the year,  July 1, 2011, I have hope. I still have my days...but they are fewer and farther between. The waves have calmed down. They’re still there, but I found a piece of the wreckage and I have clung to it. Recently, I found a life vest. That has allowed me to have times of rest while I’m treading water. Down the road, there will be a boat. And I’ll climb inside. And I’ll find my way to an island. And I’ll open my mysterious Cast Away packages that contain hope. And I’ll put them to use. And eventually....somewhere in the future....I will build a raft and I will conquer the ocean. And I’ll get scooped up my a big ‘ole fishing vessel that will bring me to shore. Back home. Back where my heart is whole and healed. And hopefully, that shore will have a person standing on the shore waiting to share life with me. Forever. Till death.  And they will wake up every morning and choose me. And if that happens, I’ll have a big party and you’re all invited.

Now, I hope that takes care of the questions and if it doesn’t....just keep it to yourself. I’m ready to move forward.

i promise i'm coming back

I really am. I get to skip out on my 9 to 5 for a few days away in DC for the 4th and I couldn't be more excited. I have a layover on the way there and am planning on doing a major blog/life update during that time. So watch your RSS feeder this weekend!


Until then, you'll have to keep making up stories about my life. :)

it's may

PTL. I made it. It's freaking May. Thank goodness. I will write a blog soon that fills those of you in who are still in the dark as to what I'm referring to. Sorry to make you wait a little longer.

In other news, today I had a great hair day, felt really pretty, felt skinny and had lots of self-confidence. This hasn't happened in a long while. I enjoyed every minute of those feelings today and hope today won't be the last time I feel that way.

That's all for now.

PS: I'm learning to speak a new language. I'm speaking this language with some new friends. They happen to be speaking the same language too. It is scary. It's sad. It's funny. It's comforting. It's deep breaths of fresh air. I will reveal this new language soon.

Happy May everyone.

profound statement

I got an email this weekend from my friend and neighbor Ashley. I think she's pretty eloquent. I think I am not. She said this:

"Please let me know what language you speak in these times. I'll learn it."

I thought that was so profound.  After thinking it over, we all speak different languages at different times in life. I speak one language in happy times. I speak another in hard times. I speak another with family and another with friends. I speak one with kids and one with adults. It's hard to be multi-lingual. And it's hard to translate others languages in different seasons of life. What a good question to ask.

For the record, I speak the language of humor and ice cream and movies in times like these.

What language do you speak and when?

35 emails

That's how many emails I had in my work email this morning. This is my first day with access to my email. Lots of those were hellos and welcoming words from friends around campus (here and afar!)

My brain is swollen from all the information it's had to soak up the last 2 days. It's like starting a still merry-go-round. It's going to take a few hard pushes to get it spinning. That's what my brain feels like. I'm confident I'll be able to handle it once I get the wheels spinning!

Oh, and I can't wait to work out in the fitness center. Who says that?! Someone who gets bonuses for working out, that's who!

they deserve a listen

You should find a way to listen to these people....

: The Civil Wars

: First Aid Kit


Specific Songs...

: Same In Any Language---(I Nine)

: Leather and Lace---(Stevie Nicks & Don Henley)

: Orphan Girl---(Emmylou Harris)

: We Belong---(Pat Benetar) (That's right. I said it. This song makes me so happy and dancy.)

new year efforts: checking in!

I'm checking in to let you know how I'm doing with my New Year Efforts so far! I graded myself, so cut me a little slack but I tried to be really honest!

1. Be nicer. (React slower, keep your mouth shut, be stingy with your opinions.)
----I'm working really hard on this one. So far, I feel like I'm doing pretty well! A-

2. Honk less. (Be a nicer driver in general.)
----Surprisingly, I've done really well with this! (But I will admit, this last week I've done a lot of talking to other drivers from behind my car windows.)  B+

3. Volunteer at a local non-profit. Currently considering Infant Crisis Services, Citizens Caring for Children, and CASA. 
----*crickets chirping* F

4. Show my face and get to know students at Destiny Urban Academy on a regular basis. (I'm on the board of this school and have only visited the students once in almost a year. Not acceptable!)
----*more crickets* F

5. Send more mail. I think I've sent a total of 5 cards this year. (Not counting xmas cards.) It's always fun to get mail!
----I've sent 5 cards so far! A!

6. Play some music on a semi-regular basis. (Meaning, an instrument. That guitar is collecting dust!)
----I've played my guitar a few times, but not regularly. B-

7. Be vigilant about date nights with your husband. Pick a night and guard it like Fort Knox.
----I'll skip this subject for now.

8. Get serious about your health! Stop watching Biggest Loser and start making changes!
----I was doing really well with my Jillian Michaels dvd and Zumba. But Jillian has been on vacation for a few weeks. :-/  C-

9. Get involved on some level at church. Join a small group, go to a class or bible study. Dare I say Sunday School???
----I'm currently doing Financial Peace for the second time. B+

10. Take your friendships to the next level. (Remember special times (bdays, anniversaries) LISTEN, be thoughtful, and be REAL.)
----B+

11. Take more pictures of your life.
----D. I'm not completely failing but I'm not passing either.

That's all for now.

break

I'll be taking a break from blogging. Feel free to email me (carazoch@gmail.com) in the meantime. I will miss you blogosphere and my bloggy friends.

overcoming it

I conquered a fear this week. A big fear. I'm reaaalllllyyyyy proud of myself! For a long time....like my whole life...I've been afraid of the dark and I've never stayed overnight alone. I get paranoid really easily and so I've always made arrangements for when Carl goes out of town. This week I decided it was time...I had to conquer the fear of sleeping in the house alone.

SO, with Bauer at the foot of the bed, (who I knew would be ferocious sorta startled if anyone tried to break-in) I made it through Monday night only waking up about 9 times. I learned to take off Bauer's collar so I wouldn't wake up to every jingle he makes when he switches sleeping positions. All the nights since have been totally fine. It's weird...after the first night, it's been no big deal. I think being semi-snowed-in helped me psychologically. It was like I had no choice.

So, on to the next! Anybody else out there conquered a fear recently?

Not sorry for you

I just can't feel sympathy for people who wait til the snow is actually falling to run to wal-mart....and then tell everyone how annoyed they are over social media. It's called planning ahead. Try it some time.

#justsaying
#snowmygosh2011

And yes, I brought hash tags to the blogosphere.

Just a song

I got suckered into watching a Miley Cyrus movie. So sue me. It had Greg Kinnear in it! I love him! Anyway, I liked the closing song (of course sung by Miley.) Here's some of the lyrics. This is a lame post. Sorry.

"When my world is falling apart
When there's no light to break up the dark
That's when I, I, I look at you

When the waves are flooding the shore
And I can't find my way home anymore
That's when I, I, I look at you"

I'm going through a lot right now and I just really like these words.

Bye.

26

Welp. Here goes being 26!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

we're still the best

We make really good Christmas cards. We don't send very many out, but we try to be funny in different ways each year. This is our card from this year. Yes. We're awesome.

It's happened

Well, it was inevitable. I just was so sure it would've been longer before it happened. I'm not near old enough for it to be here already, can I?

I'm talking about the cyclical motion the fashion world moves through. In middle school I was sure I would never wear jeans that didn't go over my shoes. Oops. Skinny jeans are my friend. Tonight, it happened. I saw them in Target.




What?! Shortalls and overalls are back!!! I wore overalls and a white shirt with blue sneakers 6 days a week my entire 6th grade year. I know now how frumpy and unflattering they are, but at the time I thought there was nothing better to wear.

I also saw a pair of floral patterned jeans in the girls section. I used to wear tons of floral shirts, turtlenecks and rompers back in the day.

Crap.

new year efforts

I'll be adding (and hopefully not subtracting) from this list of goals for 2011!

1. Be nicer. (React slower, keep your mouth shut, be stingy with your opinions.)

2. Honk less. (Be a nicer driver in general.)

3. Volunteer at a local non-profit. Currently considering Infant Crisis Services, Citizens Caring for Children, and CASA.

4. Show my face and get to know students at Destiny Urban Academy on a regular basis. (I'm on the board of this school and have only visited the students once in almost a year. Not acceptable!)

5. Send more mail. I think I've sent a total of 5 cards this year. (Not counting xmas cards.) It's always fun to get mail!

6. Play some music on a semi-regular basis. (Meaning, an instrument. That guitar is collecting dust!)

7. Be vigilant about date nights with your husband. Pick a night and guard it like Fort Knox.

8. Get serious about your health! Stop watching Biggest Loser and start making changes!

9. Get involved on some level at church. Join a small group, go to a class or bible study. Dare I say Sunday School???

10. Take your friendships to the next level. (Remember special times (bdays, anniversaries) LISTEN, be thoughtful, and be REAL.)

11. Take more pictures of your life.


It's a place to start. When I add items or accomplish/"in-progress" items, I'll re-post the list. Who's with me?!

move it

People. Get off your phone. You're not able to notice when the light turns green and it makes me upset at you. When I'm upset, I tend to honk. So when the light has been green for a good while and you still haven't moved, I will honk until you move. And I'm not sorry.

Sincerely,


-citizen

Sickly

I haven't been sick in a long time. Especially stay-in-bed sick. I have had a fever for 2 days of 102. I haven't had a fever since I don't know when! I apparently got bronchitis overnight and it has a deathly grip on me. Ugh! After catching up on my shows which took all of 4 hours yesterday....I've been using Hulu and Netflix for all they're worth. Unfortunately, I can't remember anything I've seen! I'm on cough meds with codeine so I've been living in a cloud of sitting up, laying down, going pee, laying down, sitting up....you get it.

Here's a pic of my side-table.



I'm pathetic. My sweet husband is doing his best to take care of me. Even at 25, I still want my Mommy!

Well....that is all.

Returner

Out of every purchase, I return at least one item probably 75% of the time. Doesn't matter how long I tried it on for. The percentage goes up if the item was expensive or full price. I just almost always feel like I can get a better deal so I take it back.

Why is that? And can I get a witness???

things that are free

Yikes, I love things that are free. Pretty much anything. I've been downloading free fonts, free labels, free cards, free wrapping paper (like I'm going to print that?) and free backgrounds. Join the fun!

I found most of my freebies through How About Orange (blog) that I follow. Just click the "free downloads" button. There's tons of good stuff available! This is my favorite and I don't know why. I just like all the colors.

New Beginning

My cousin and her husband will be reunited tomorrow! I am nervous and excited for them. I'm staying here this time, but I'm so excited for them to get back and pick up where they left off 4.5 years ago. This is an exciting time. What a way to lead up to Thanksgiving!

The final step is Tuesday with his final interview and then we wait for his green card to be delivered which could be 1 to 7 days. We're hoping for just 1!

Eeeeeeek! I'm so excited! You can catch up here.