Saturday, March 29, 2008

i don't know.

I'm driving to training on Thursday morning...it's all the way in Norman, so it's a nice thinking drive. I pass a man driving a brand new SUV with one of those christian fish on the back. He's smoking with the windows up. I immediately start thinking to myself..."Can you be 'Christian' and smoke?" And then I took it further because I'm sure you can be "Christian" and do pretty much anything. But, can you do something that you know has the potential to kill you? But then, can't you really say that about driving? I could die driving a car...but I still drive a car. I don't know...

My training this month was on child sexual abuse. Needless to say I was mentally and emotionally exhausted last night from processing all the information and trying to decide if there's any room for redemption in the lives of people who do such horrible things to children. And then I was so paranoid that everyone in the grocery store was a child molester or rapist that I left and asked my mom to come over and keep me company till Carl got home 2 hours later. I'm sure that sounds lame, but that's just part of who I am I guess. I'm also still scared of the dark and can't stay anywhere by myself over night. So there, I'm super lame.

So I don't know. Sometimes questions with no answers drive me crazy. This weekend I'm pretty much okay with just leaving them alone for now.

Any answers?

3 comments:

Josh Lucas said...

funny- I think about stuff like the dude in the SUV all the time! Kinda like how can you go so far to plaster the fish on the car, but then not represent what it means to treat your body as a temple--not that I do that always but I also don't post that I do on my car. I dont know either :) There are so many of these little things!

shannon paige said...

"I beg you, as much as I can, dear sir, to be patient to all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer."
Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

Kelly said...

It's ok to not want to be alone when are overwhelmed. Don't call yourself lame.

It's ok that the whole sexual abuse training bothers you. Thank God it still bothers somebody.

I wish I had an easier answer, but if you care about people it's going to hurt to hear about them being hurt...even nameless children out there. And when you work with individual children it is going to hurt even more.

I hope I don't sound pessimistic, but it takes something out of you to try and heal hurt people. Make sure you have a safe place to unload your feelings.

And one day if you decide this job is too much emotionally, it's ok to back out and try something else without calling yourself a failure.