Quote

"Sometimes the worst thing that happens to you, the thing you think you can't survive...it's the thing that makes you better than you used to be." ---Jennifer Weiner, "Fly Away Home"

PS: this is me minus the needlepoint

(source)

If I could, I would buy this house with everything in it, minus 1/2 the needlepoint stuff.

Tons of white, the couch, the dining table and chairs, their bed!, the light fixtures, the kitchen and even the blasted DIY wallpaper.

In. Love.

That'll do it

If you are looking to make me instantly sad, then play me a song with a steel guitar coming in at the right moment on a slow song.

See "Pony" by Sara Watkins for an example.

Specifically when it comes in for the instrumental chorus, I get carried away on a cloud and feel sad.

Just in case you were wondering, that'll do it.

*This post brought to you by melancholy music, not actual sad circumstances.

Halfway

-I'm 18 weeks into school, about to start my last class of this semester.

-By the end of the year, I will become an aunt by proxy to approximately 5 more babies in my friend circle. And there will be 2 more by the beginning of February.

-I am about to go on my yearly voyage to DC to visit some of my dear friends who have lived far away for far too long.

- I have seen some amazing music and get to experience at least 2 more amazing shows by fall. (Brandi Carlile and The Head And The Heart.)

- I am loving life right now. I feel solid and grounded and happy. The new people who have been woven into my life this year have been right on time. And the older strands have been refreshed and come to life again.

I feel like my life is in technicolor and I can vividly see all the beauty that the last year has given my life. I honestly wouldn't change a thing.

how'd you do that?

Since becoming a d-word, several people have asked questions or made comments regarding how I've been able to handle the whole d-word situation. It's not an easy question to answer. Most of the time, I ask myself the same thing! How did I do it? How did I get here? So I spent the last week or so processing some of the big things that happened to get to me where I am today. Please see below if you're interested. *Disclaimer: This is not meant to be a humble-brag. I am not saying I'm an expert or well-versed in d-word aftermath management. This is just what popped out to me over the last year. So take the pinch of salt and throw it over your shoulder as you digest.


Top 3 things you need:
1)  A good therapist. Therapy has been a hugely influential part of my life over the last 8 years. I don't know how people navigate the chaos and confusion of life without a counselor. I can't begin to tell you all the things I've gained from therapy over the last year alone, but I know I wouldn't feel as free and whole and healed as I do today if I hadn't started the journey of recovery in therapy over a year ago.
2)  A supportive community of people. This took several different forms over the last year. I participated in a Divorce Care support group for close to 6 months. While it was cheesy and a little too "this is God's plan" for my taste, for a while it was the only place I felt safe to breathe deeply. I have many friends who towed the line of friendship and I am beyond grateful for them sticking around and working through all this with me.
3) New friends. Simple. You need a couple of new friends who don’t know you, don’t know your former spouse or family. You need at least one area of your life where you can have anonymity again. This became my respite. This was especially crucial for the days I didn't want to have to answer the question "how are you doing?" with the sad puppy dog eyes from those around me. I have met some incredible people over the last year and I'm so glad they are part of my life. They picked up right where I needed them to and that was usually with some laughs, some time around the table, and a patio in the evening. (*These people did not replace my "old" friends. They were simply added to the fold.)

Helpful reminders for the day-to-day:
 
-Choose to heal. You are worth it. (This is actually really hard. You have to constantly be checking yourself to be sure you're running the marathon and not the relay. And as a non-runner, I can tell you, every mile was its own individual struggle.)

-Acknowledge your feelings. Let days be hard. Let days be angry. Let days be sad or lonely. But let them be easy, and happy, and enjoyable too. However you wake up feeling that day-- go with it. You’re a human being and you were given the ability to feel a spectrum of emotions. Explore them. Embrace them. Acknowledge them and give the next day a chance to be something different.

-There’s a difference between grieving and mourning. Grieving acknowledges what’s happened, processes it, deals with it, allows the scab to form and the scar to develop. Mourning camps on the land of victims. Don’t get stuck. Don’t pitch a tent. Grieve. And fully grieve.

-Cocoon yourself in music. Let words rattle in your bones and ring out in your soul. You might be surprised how many songs out there sound like they were written just for you. But don’t just wrap yourself in sadness and loneliness and grief. Listen to music that makes you happy. That makes you angry. That makes you roll the windows down and scream. And most importantly, listen to something that allows you to let go. Let yourself move. DANCE.

-Raise an Ebeneezer. Do something that you can look back on and see how far you’ve come. For me, I had a burn party on my wedding anniversary about 6 weeks after my divorce was final. I gathered some close friends and we stood in a circle and threw poppers and vented about the whole situation. It was important to involve others in this process. Divorce ripples out and affects the make-up of the whole pond of people around you. They need to grieve too. We burned a few pictures, a couple of letters,  some words on paper, and a tshirt. It was a blast. A year later (this year) I had a rock throwing ceremony. At my wedding, we had people sign rocks instead of a guestbook. Some friends sailed me out to the middle of Lake Hefner and we threw them in the water. I hurled some. I let some slowly drop off my hand. I skipped some on the surface of the water. Those two Ebeneezers signify my process of forgiveness and letting go. Last year, I started the process. This year, I finished it. “Forgiveness is setting down the load, never to pick it up again.” –said someone famous. This is hard, but it’s so much easier to just let it go and get some miles in your rear-view mirror. *It should be noted that I am extremely sentimental. I realize not everyone is. 

 -Ask for patience and grace. But know that typically when you ask for things like that, you’re given opportunities to practice being patient and graceful. And it’s hard. But that’s why we practice. To get better at it.

“The best revenge is a life well lived.” –Chloe Neill  I love this. It’s easy to get caught up in the anger and bitterness and frustration of your situation. It’s easy to want to get back at the other person for what they’ve done to you. At the end of the day, it’s done. It’s in the past. Don’t waste your time and energy. Instead, pour that time and energy into you and your life and your future. Get rid of cable, get outside, invest in yourself and those around you.



God is faithful. He really does find a way to work all things together for good. I know this because he's taken the dust and ashes of my life and made them into something beautiful.

Quote

"The other side of uncertainty is opportunity." --Jonathan Fields

supposed to be

I'm supposed to be somewhere else right now. An ocean away. In a place I've been wanting to go for nearly 10 years. Ireland. I'm supposed to be renewing my vows.

But I'm not. I'm here. And the only vows I'm renewing are ones to myself. I've made it through a day that marks beginnings and endings, light and darkness, "death" and life.

I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling, but I'm feeling really grateful. Grateful this day even happened at all 5 years ago. Grateful for all the days that have occurred between May 26th, 2007 and May 26, 2012. Grateful for all the lives weaved in and out of my story in these 1,826 days. Grateful for the life I shared with another and the life that no longer exists. Grateful that someone very wise told me, "Choose to heal. You're worth it."

"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good." (romans 8:26-28)

Tried

I tried and lost at something tonight. I took a risk. It was nerve-racking, but I did it and while it didn't play out---I'm happy to have given it a shot.

Facing fears and learning... That's what I'm up to these days.

Quote

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." - C.S. Lewis

This is a photo of Gregory Alan Isakov singing my favorite song, "If I Go, I'm Goin" at the Blue Door. Amazing show. Catch him on the road if you have the chance.

What I Know

Faithfulness exists.
Grace is limitless.
Goodness will always win out.
Light overcomes darkness.

Quote

"I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become." --Carl Jung

"You choose who you are." --LuAnn Johnson

Mushy

There are some days that I wonder if I'll ever recover the pieces of my heart that are still broken and missing.

I wonder if your heart reshapes itself and learns to love in a different way because it can't ever love the same again. Because the original pieces will never all be back in one place.

I'm feeling those missing pieces today. My heartbeat is out of sync. It feels like it is still inside another person. A person who doesn't exist. Who isn't here. Who still has a few of my pieces.

This moving on, healing, forgiveness thing is not for the faint of heart. It's for marathon runners. It's for Olympic athletes. And today I feel like the water-boy; the 7th alternate for the pole-vaulting team.

This is hard. I'm letting it be hard today. Tomorrow I may be running a half-marathon. Or practicing for my Olympic debut. You never know with this crazy d-word journey.

17 Years in 5 months

      Ira Glass is the host of the popular radio show This American Life on NPR. I sit at a desk for 9 hours a day at my job. I do repetitive tasks with spreadsheets and if you haven’t fallen asleep just reading that, you can imagine that I get very bored. I’ve gotten sucked into the world of podcasts and got hooked on This American Life. So hooked in fact that I paid for their iPhone app that holds every radio show from 1995 to the present. At the end of 2012, that will be around 884 shows. Within the next month, I will finish the last 2 years (1997-1995.) That will be just over 830 shows.
      Because I listen to about 7 hours of TAL a day, I’ve gotten to know a lot about the regular contributors to the show. Specifically, I’ve gotten to know a lot about the host, Ira Glass. Part of that is because he shares a lot about himself on the show, but I also google him several times a week. I can’t help it. I’m obsessed with him. He’s one of the best interviewers I’ve ever heard. He makes everything interesting. He conveys a genuine sense of care to anyone he talks to and he always wants to know more. I think that’s what intrigues me the most. I feel like he’s already very intelligent and yet every show he’s eager to share with his listeners the newest nuggets of information he’s gathered. He has a strange voice, he wears huge glasses, and has the dorkiest laugh. He also uses the same script for every show. Every show starts the same. “From WBEZ Chicago, it’s This American Life, I’m Ira Glass. Each week we choose a topic or theme and bring you a variety of stories about that theme. Our show this week, (title). Over the course of the next hour we will explore this topic using ________ acts. Act One, (title.) Act Two, (title.) and Act Three (title.) Our first story is by, (contributor.)  Act One, (title.) Here is, (contributor.) ”  Trust me. I’ve listened to the show over 700 times. I love the consistency. I love everything about the way the show is put together week after week. It’s pure gold.
      I started with 2012 and worked backwards. It has been hilarious to listen to the de-evolution of technology. I remember listening to a show from 1998 and in Ira’s closing statements he says, “If you’d like to purchase a cassette tape of this broadcast you can write us at WBEZ....” I cracked up in my cubical. Cassette tapes?! People were WRITING the show to purchase a CASSETTE tape?
      Another funny moment from this last week, Ira interviewed a woman about email. They were going back and forth about AOL and that little, “You’ve Got Mail” person. I was dying laughing. This lady was so overjoyed.
      I’d encourage you to give TAL a shot. I think you just might fall in love with Ira Glass too.

Favorite Episodes (in no particular order):
#454: Mr. Daisy and the Apple Factory  (follow up with #460: Retraction)
#449: Middle School
#111: Adventures in the Simple Life
#109: Notes on Camp
#90: Telephone
#370: Ruining it for the Rest of Us
#393: Infidelity (Act II, especially)

The year of music

So without trying, this year has turned into the year of live music. Here's what's happened and is on deck. Some great stuff in store!

Jan 18: The Staves and The Civil Wars @ Cain's Ballroom (Tulsa, OK)

April 13: The Avett Brothers @ Brady Theatre (Tulsa, OK)

May 6th: Gregory Alan Isakov @ The Blue Door (OKC, OK)

June 2nd: The Staves and Bon Iver @ Brady Theatre (Tulsa, OK)

July 27: The Avett Brothers (again, they're that good.) @ Chesapeake Arena (OKC, OK)

Looking to add some of these hopefully before the year is up:
- Brandi Carlile
- Ben Rector
- The Head and The Heart
- Mindy Smith

Always searching for Patty Griffin, Glen Phillips, Counting Crows and Ryan Adams.

That's all.

juggle juggle

This is a picture of me juggling.  I'm so daring, right? Well, I'm not very good at juggling. I'm starting to feel the squeeze of life. I remember these times in college. When everyone needed something at the same time, every class had a huge paper due the same day, and you felt like because of all of that - you also were missing out on some great stuff. 

That's what it feels like right now. I've got a paper due, I'm having to miss class due to a fundraising event I planned, said fundraising event, and it's Easter weekend. I want to do yoga, I want to support my friends speaking this weekend, I've got friends having babies, friends who are pregnant, friends having major life stuff, and friends who live in DC that I keep playing phone tag with. DO YOU SEE HOW MANY BALLS THAT IS?! (that's what she said.) 

Oh, and I'm working full-time too.

It's exhausting and I feel like I need more hours in the day to be able to give everything the right amount of attention. I want to be a good employee, I want to be a good student, I want to be a good friend, I want to be a good aunt, I want to be a good neighbor, etc. Obviously, no one can be good at everything all the time. I'm not even sure all the scales have ever leveled out at the same time. But I want to believe they can. 

My mom used to say, "This too shall pass." I find myself saying that aloud, writing it on sticky notes, and trying to tattoo it on my forehead backwards. All of this will come and go. It will be over and I'll be on to the next thing. Win or lose, good grade or bad, a great event or not, Tuesday will come and Wednesday means I start the next thing. It all will pass. 

PS: Final d-word mile-marker is coming up on Saturday. Looking forward to acknowledging it and letting it pass.

School is cool.

Remember when I was like, "I'm going to apply for grad school." Well, I did. And I got in. And I started about a month ago.

I know it's early. I know it's going to get hard and it's going to be a lot to juggle, and it's going to sort of rule my life til December 2013. But so far, it's not that bad, I'm juggling, and it's not ruling my life. And I'm really enjoying it.

NOW. Let's catch up on my new year intentions!

PEACE: this is more challenging than I anticipated. Yoga is definitely a stabilizing force for helping me practice peace.

QUIET: i'm really enjoying this one. Sometimes I work without music. I drive home without music. Sometimes I'll go sit out on my deck and just listen. Other times I'll lay in bed and just look at twitter and be quiet.

PLAY: this is harder now that school is in the picture. However, I try to carve out at least one night for time with friends and FUN. (It's been more like 2.5 nights)

FOLLOW THRU: so far, I'm doing fairly well with this. I've learned to think things all the way through and be realistic about what I can commit to. Now, I just need to work on being on time.

RISK: biggest risk to date has been starting grad school (potentially doubling my school debt.) :) I already feel confident it's a risk that will pay off.

CHALLENGE: I feel like I'm being challenged in lots of areas of my life. Yoga, school, work, counseling. friends, and church have all had challenges or been challenging. Learning to love it.

MOVE: I'm doing my best to keep moving forward. The biggest milestone is coming up on April 7th. Looking forward to leaving it in the dust.

RESPOND: 9 times out of 10, I'm breathing, waiting, and responding.

CONSISTENCY: I can do better here. I'm doing okay, but I know I can do better.

HONESTY: #realtalk. Grateful for friends I can be honest with, who are honest with me, and communities I'm a part of that accept me where I am.

INVEST: working on it! I need to prioritize my time and money better so I can invest those things better.

GIVE: this will always be a work in progress. Trying to be better at being generous with grace.

PRESENT: better than I have been. The iPhone needs more time-outs.

REMEMBER: trying to take pictures, remember, read, and write. (obviously school is keeping me from being able to blog!)

DANCE: duh. easiest intention ever.

PS: I also gave up soda on January 3rd. I committed to the whole year with Kristen. And we have some serious consequences in place for breaking the pact. Happy to report I haven't had a Dr. Pepper (or any of his friends) since!

That's all I have right now. It's time to read about 60 more pages before class tomorrow. Thank for supporting me on my journey back-to-school.

Quote

"One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful." - Sigmund Freud

Ebeneezer: stone of remembrance

This has been a weird week. Not necessarily hard, but it has felt weird. It has felt "off." I couldn't put my finger on it. I was feeling the usual stress to get everything done at work. I was feeling lonely but figured it was just because I had to spend my weekend laying on my back instead of running around and being with friends. I was feeling a weight on my chest. But it dawned on me at about 3:00pm today that this was a heavy week in my life last year. This was the defining week. This was when life got real. Choices were made. Words were spoken. Promises were broken. This was when the fog got really thick. I don't hate that I'm sentimental, but it can get annoying that I remember every little piece of every little thing that happened.

This weekend last year, my dad got on a plane, my sister got in the car, and my family all got together to do what you do when life gets crazy hard.

Eat.
Laugh.
Organize. 
Protect.
Be together.

I've been kinda angry this week. Especially tonight. I didn't want to be home alone mulling over thoughts of last year. I didn't want to venture back into that fog. But a funny thing happens when you look back and see how far you've come. You remember how good it feels to not be back there anymore. It feels good to be almost 20 pounds lighter. It feels good to be taking care of myself. It feels good to be healthy. It feels good to be playing music again. It feels good to actually buy groceries and make myself a meal.

I needed to acknowledge that this weekend was here. I needed to raise an Ebeneezer and remember it's "hither by thy help I've come." Another milestone for the rear-view mirror. Another sentimental anniversary reclaimed and turned into something good. 

Bye.

Whatever comes, we shall endure.

I heard this song, "Feast or Fallow" by Sandra McCracken back in the Fall sometime. I honestly don't remember, but I remember mentioning to Brandon that we should sing it sometime together for church. It symbolized a lot for me and I felt like it would be a very powerful thing for me to do. In high school and college, I helped lead worship on Wednesdays and for a Sunday night service we used to have.  With the help of two mentors, I taught myself guitar and started singing and playing back in 9th grade. Playing and singing were a big part of who I was pre-seizure. After my seizure, my coordination wasn't the same and I didn't have the energy to play anymore. My guitar gathered dust. I took a solid 2 years off of singing or playing. I've helped out on the "praise team," (one of my least favorite church terms ever) a few times over the last year or so, but haven't played my guitar in front of people since 2008. I was scheduled to sing with Brandon at the beginning of January (as I have several times before) but it got pushed back to the 15th. The 15th happened to be my birthday. Brandon emailed me a week before and asked if I'd be interested in doing Feast or Fallow for offertory on that Sunday. After some freaking out, I agreed to do it if he would play and sing with me.

I was proud of myself for accepting the challenge instead of running from it. I was proud that I felt like I was ready to be vulnerable in front of people again. I was proud to sing a song that felt like it came from my own soul and experience. I was nervous as I've ever been, but it felt good. It felt right. What better way to celebrate a birthday than to re-claim my guitar. Re-claim my voice. And proclaim that whatever comes, we shall endure. My fields have been dry. My winter was long. The earth shook beneath me on more than one occasion. But what I've come to know more powerfully than anything else is every word in the chorus is true.

When the fields are dry, and the winter is long
Blessed are the meek, the hungry, the poor
When my soul is downcast, and my voice has no song
For mercy, for comfort, I wait on the Lord
In the harvest feast or the fallow ground,
My certain hope is in Jesus found
My lot, my cup, my portion sure
Whatever comes, we shall endure
Whatever comes, we shall endure
On a cross of wood, His blood was outpoured
He Rose from the ground, like a bird to the sky
Bringing peace to our violence, and crushing death’s door
Our Maker incarnate, our God who provides
In the harvest feast or the fallow ground,
My certain hope is in Jesus found
My lot, my cup, my portion sure
Whatever comes, we shall endure
Whatever comes, we shall endure
When the earth beneath me crumbles and quakes
Not a sparrow falls, nor a hair from my head
Without His hand to guide me, my shield and my strength
In joy or in sorrow, in life or in death
In the harvest feast or the fallow ground,
My certain hope is in Jesus found
My lot, my cup, my portion sure
Whatever comes, we shall endure
Whatever comes, we shall endure

2012: the best of intentions

I'm not calling these goals. Or resolutions. These are the boundaries by which I'm going to try to operate in 2012. These are my intentions for the new year.

PEACE: let it go. practice peace.

QUIET: shut up. be still.  l i s t e n.

PLAY: life is happening. participate.

FOLLOW THRU: do what you say you're going to do. show up when you say you're going to show up.

RISK: you can't calculate everything. jump without looking. take a chance on something or someone.

CHALLENGE: yourself. your mind. your body. your soul.

MOVE: don't stall out. don't stand still. keep moving forward. keep changing.

RESPOND: breathe. close your eyes. think. don't react.

CONSISTENCY: be the same in all avenues of life. at work. at school. while driving. with kids. with adults. online. in person.

HONESTY: ask for help when you need it. call a friend when you're lonely. answer questions with the truth. #realtalk

INVEST: with no regard for personal gain. with friendships. with time. with your life.

GIVE: be generous. with time. with resources. with grace.

PRESENT: be where you are, 110%. leave your phone in your bag. look people in the eye. hug them. say i love you. be fully present.

REMEMBER: take pictures. write. tell stories. reminisce. jog your memory.

DANCE: every day. especially the hard days.

I would love to hear your intentions for 2012! And I would appreciate you holding me accountable to mine. Happy Second Day of the New Year.

(If you're looking for some good suggestions, read this article.)