I'm supposed to be somewhere else right now. An ocean away. In a place I've been wanting to go for nearly 10 years. Ireland. I'm supposed to be renewing my vows.
But I'm not. I'm here. And the only vows I'm renewing are ones to myself. I've made it through a day that marks beginnings and endings, light and darkness, "death" and life.
I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling, but I'm feeling really grateful. Grateful this day even happened at all 5 years ago. Grateful for all the days that have occurred between May 26th, 2007 and May 26, 2012. Grateful for all the lives weaved in and out of my story in these 1,826 days. Grateful for the life I shared with another and the life that no longer exists. Grateful that someone very wise told me, "Choose to heal. You're worth it."
"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good." (romans 8:26-28)