Monday, October 29, 2012
this is your song
We're singing this song as part of Overflow on Sunday night and it just pretty much sums up what I'm feeling right now. Lost and Tired. "This is your song...sing along." Words are below.
--------
Oh, my God
Shine Your light on us
That we might live
Oh, my God
Shine Your light on us
That we might live
I've been holding on
I've been holding on
All that is inside me
Screams to come back home
If you feel lost
If you feel lost
Sing along
If you feel tired
If you feel tired
Sing along
If you feel lost and tired
This is your song
I've been broken down
I've been broken down
I ain't giving up
Love will come back around
If you feel lost
If you feel lost
Sing along
If you feel tired
If you feel tired
Sing along
If you feel lost and tired
This is your song
Oh, my God
Shine Your light on us
That we might live
Oh, my God
Shine Your light on us
That we might live
--------
Thursday, October 18, 2012
article(s)
This is a great article I stumbled upon that a friend linked to earlier today. Married, single, divorced, engaged, whatever you are...worth a read. He's funny, he's raw, and he displays incredible insight and awareness.
And this is just a great website in general. It's geared towards guys, but I think it's a great guide to just being a decent adult. I read it. I have no shame.
One final article. I fully resonate with it and I am in love with Brene' Brown.
And this is just a great website in general. It's geared towards guys, but I think it's a great guide to just being a decent adult. I read it. I have no shame.
One final article. I fully resonate with it and I am in love with Brene' Brown.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
d-word life: the end of the day
Up front, I want you to know I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm processing a lot of things right now and I need to get some thoughts down.
There are seasons with the whole d-word life. They come and go...don't normally stay too terribly long (at least in my experience.) But there will be times where I feel really good and solid and independent. I'm fine with this stage of healing. I'm fine flying solo.
And there are other times where I just want someone to be there when I get home. Where I don't want the bed to be empty. Where I want some burly arms to collapse into. Where I just need to hear that someone is breathing beside me.
These times are always flanked with stress. I'm back in counseling and the next 2 weeks hold a lot of homework and responsibilities. I found myself turning the corner to come home and grab my books for class....reflecting on memories of marriage. Memories of having a partner. Memories of a chest that rises and falls next to me and strong arms that did a good job of catching and carrying me.
I'm going to be okay. I'm going to make it. And I'm going to do it on my own; with the breath and strength of my community sustaining me on days like today.
Namaste.
There are seasons with the whole d-word life. They come and go...don't normally stay too terribly long (at least in my experience.) But there will be times where I feel really good and solid and independent. I'm fine with this stage of healing. I'm fine flying solo.
And there are other times where I just want someone to be there when I get home. Where I don't want the bed to be empty. Where I want some burly arms to collapse into. Where I just need to hear that someone is breathing beside me.
These times are always flanked with stress. I'm back in counseling and the next 2 weeks hold a lot of homework and responsibilities. I found myself turning the corner to come home and grab my books for class....reflecting on memories of marriage. Memories of having a partner. Memories of a chest that rises and falls next to me and strong arms that did a good job of catching and carrying me.
I'm going to be okay. I'm going to make it. And I'm going to do it on my own; with the breath and strength of my community sustaining me on days like today.
Namaste.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
the greatest thing said to me this week:
Ask yourself:
1) does this need to be said?
2) does this need to be said by me?
3) does this need to be said by me right now?
Chalk this up to adventures in holding your tongue. I'm still learning the difference in responding and reacting. And it's still hard.
1) does this need to be said?
2) does this need to be said by me?
3) does this need to be said by me right now?
Chalk this up to adventures in holding your tongue. I'm still learning the difference in responding and reacting. And it's still hard.
Monday, October 1, 2012
three things
1) The Mumford&Sons Daytrotter session is wonderful.
2) I'm missing the Pacific Northwest something terrible right now. I'm considering a solo trip to ring in the New Year. I need to see the beach, the mountains, and I need to ride the train from PDX to SEA.
2) I'm missing the Pacific Northwest something terrible right now. I'm considering a solo trip to ring in the New Year. I need to see the beach, the mountains, and I need to ride the train from PDX to SEA.
Friday, September 28, 2012
It's been 5 years
5 years ago today I was sitting by a pool in Houston celebrating with friends who were getting married the next day. Most of us had a friend in common and his name was Spencer. Spencer had been battling cancer on and off for several years. He was full of life despite the fact that his body had taken a beating from surgeries and treatments and cancer just being a real big jerk to him. I only knew Spencer after his first round with cancer. I only knew him as the bald, skinny, older guy who told good jokes and wore Adidas soccer shoes nearly every day with jeans and t-shirt and walked with the slightest limp. We had several meaningful conversations and times together. He started writing songs and playing music and a lot of my memories of him involve music. I wasn’t especially close to Spencer, but I always felt very connected to him in a strange way. I still feel connected to him and it’s especially amplified today on the anniversary of his passing. I want to share some of my favorite memories of him today in an effort to remember him and continue the celebration of his life.
- Numerous “candle nights” in the game room, especially the night he shared a lot about his struggle with cancer and how it had impacted his life and changed him for the better.
- Numerous SGA retreats and events
- I remember one afternoon in the SGA office, he asked if he could play me a song he was working on for a friend. His friend had asked him to write a song and play it for his girlfriend when he proposed. The song is called “My Dear.” We went into his office and he closed the door and played and sang to me. I sat with teary eyes and a smile as he shared words that he longed to be able to say someday to a girl of his own. He asked my opinion and I gave it and we had a good conversation about girls and relationships and marriage. Later that year I asked if he would play in my wedding and if I could use “My Dear” as part of our ceremony. He grinned and agreed. And when the cancer came back with an angry fist that Spring, he sent me “My Dear” and a gift card and said, “Sorry I can’t be there in person, but I’ll be there in spirit. Thank you for believing in me and my music. ”
-His “fake” obsession with Chuck Norris and the karate moves that were displayed on a regular basis with Brack.
-The Living Room tour
-Taking a break from camp and hearing SLG play at the Spider House in Austin, Tx. He spent that summer playing a ton of shows.
-Senior year, the special meeting called where Spencer told us the cancer was back and he would be leaving school. I remember him telling us he had hope and was at peace. He asked me to lead us in his favorite hymn, “It is well with my soul.” That hymn has carried a heavy significance ever since.
-Teaching my “little brother/sister” all the words to his song “Crispitos.” To this day, we still sing it at the top of our lungs when we’re in my car.
-The many voices and characters of Spencer. He had no shame when it came to impersonations and making fun of people.
-His belief. He believed in the power of music and story. He believed in Camp Olympia and the work they were doing with young people. He believed in God and what He was doing in his life….even through his dark journey with cancer and his days of doubt.
-His memorial service. That may sound morbid, but the church was packed with people there to celebrate him. So many wonderful stories and photos and videos were shared. We laughed and smiled and enjoyed ourselves. The most moving part for me was the close of the service. It was a time of reflection and we all had our heads bowed. Through the quiet, we heard the sound of bagpipes start outside. It grew louder and they came inside playing “Amazing Grace.” The player weaved through the sanctuary and the hallways haunting us with the melody and forcing us to recall the words. It was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever experienced.
I’m overwhelmed today recalling the small percent of the Spencer I knew and his part in the story of my life. I’m reminded of his grateful heart for life and the urgency to live it. I’m reminded of his thankfulness for grace and its abundance in his life. I’m reminded of his strong voice and the restlessness he felt to share his story through music. And I’m reminded to enjoy every sandwich, to lean into the wind, to hear the call of wilder things, and to know who holds tomorrow and that it’s never me.
Rest in peace, my friend.
(For those that read this and knew Spencer, feel free to leave your favorite memories in the comments. I'd love to hear yours.)
- Numerous “candle nights” in the game room, especially the night he shared a lot about his struggle with cancer and how it had impacted his life and changed him for the better.
- Numerous SGA retreats and events
- I remember one afternoon in the SGA office, he asked if he could play me a song he was working on for a friend. His friend had asked him to write a song and play it for his girlfriend when he proposed. The song is called “My Dear.” We went into his office and he closed the door and played and sang to me. I sat with teary eyes and a smile as he shared words that he longed to be able to say someday to a girl of his own. He asked my opinion and I gave it and we had a good conversation about girls and relationships and marriage. Later that year I asked if he would play in my wedding and if I could use “My Dear” as part of our ceremony. He grinned and agreed. And when the cancer came back with an angry fist that Spring, he sent me “My Dear” and a gift card and said, “Sorry I can’t be there in person, but I’ll be there in spirit. Thank you for believing in me and my music. ”
-His “fake” obsession with Chuck Norris and the karate moves that were displayed on a regular basis with Brack.
-The Living Room tour
-Taking a break from camp and hearing SLG play at the Spider House in Austin, Tx. He spent that summer playing a ton of shows.
-Senior year, the special meeting called where Spencer told us the cancer was back and he would be leaving school. I remember him telling us he had hope and was at peace. He asked me to lead us in his favorite hymn, “It is well with my soul.” That hymn has carried a heavy significance ever since.
-Teaching my “little brother/sister” all the words to his song “Crispitos.” To this day, we still sing it at the top of our lungs when we’re in my car.
-The many voices and characters of Spencer. He had no shame when it came to impersonations and making fun of people.
-His belief. He believed in the power of music and story. He believed in Camp Olympia and the work they were doing with young people. He believed in God and what He was doing in his life….even through his dark journey with cancer and his days of doubt.
-His memorial service. That may sound morbid, but the church was packed with people there to celebrate him. So many wonderful stories and photos and videos were shared. We laughed and smiled and enjoyed ourselves. The most moving part for me was the close of the service. It was a time of reflection and we all had our heads bowed. Through the quiet, we heard the sound of bagpipes start outside. It grew louder and they came inside playing “Amazing Grace.” The player weaved through the sanctuary and the hallways haunting us with the melody and forcing us to recall the words. It was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever experienced.
I’m overwhelmed today recalling the small percent of the Spencer I knew and his part in the story of my life. I’m reminded of his grateful heart for life and the urgency to live it. I’m reminded of his thankfulness for grace and its abundance in his life. I’m reminded of his strong voice and the restlessness he felt to share his story through music. And I’m reminded to enjoy every sandwich, to lean into the wind, to hear the call of wilder things, and to know who holds tomorrow and that it’s never me.
Rest in peace, my friend.
(For those that read this and knew Spencer, feel free to leave your favorite memories in the comments. I'd love to hear yours.)
Thursday, September 27, 2012
movie
If you have the chance to see this movie, you should take it. At least watch the trailer. You'll laugh. The movie is great and funny and actually very raw and real. All things I appreciate if I'm going to spend my free time in a movie theatre.
If you won't do that, then you should at least listen to Mike Birbiglia on The Moth or This American Life. He's a really funny guy. Some people call those kinds of people comedians. Go figure.
That's all. Happy weekend. After I finish this 12 page paper about psychoanalytic theory, I've got a post for you about social media and technology and conversation. You're going to love it. (Or hate it.)
Bye.
If you won't do that, then you should at least listen to Mike Birbiglia on The Moth or This American Life. He's a really funny guy. Some people call those kinds of people comedians. Go figure.
That's all. Happy weekend. After I finish this 12 page paper about psychoanalytic theory, I've got a post for you about social media and technology and conversation. You're going to love it. (Or hate it.)
Bye.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
things i love right now:
these boys' video of their newest single shot live at Red Rocks. (*ps: i want to go to there.)
these podcasts:
On Being
The Splendid Table
Radiolab
The Moth
Freakonomics
Wait Wait...
TAL
weather for these types of clothes:
this book:
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and yearly traditions with friends:
Bye.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Friday, September 14, 2012
Intentions: September Grades
It's time for a report card on my new year intentions! I know you're on the edge of your seat.
PEACE: Goodness. This has been a wonderful challenge. I guess I didn't realize how many things I hang on to until I challenged myself to let things go. I give myself a B-. I've made major improvements in this area, but there is still plenty of room for more.
QUIET: This has probably been my favorite thing to be intentional about. I've been eating breakfast or dinner on my patio, doing homework out there and allowing the soundtrack to be birds and crickets and traffic and the wind whispering through the trees. The second most popular quiet spot is my car. I've been spending more time with the windows down, more time clearing my brain instead of filling my ears. B+
PLAY: I have tried to really push myself to participate in life regardless of my situation. If I want to go to a movie and can't find someone to go, I go by myself. If I want to eat dinner out and can't find a pal to meet me, I go anyway. If I want to go fly a kite at the lake, I do it. If I want to have a dance party, I do it. If I want to go to a concert, I buy 2 tickets and figure it out later. A-
FOLLOW THRU: Not to brag, but this has maybe been the most consistent time in my life and I'm really proud that I've managed to not over-commit myself. I've cut my running late down to about 5 minutes and to my knowledge have kept all my promises. A!
RISK: I'm doing it. I've been putting myself out there. That includes making new friends and going on 2 dates with strangers. B+
CHALLENGE: I think there's been plenty of this happening throughout the entire year. I'm listening to podcasts and reading articles that challenge my opinions and beliefs. I'm going to harder yoga classes that force me to try new things. I'm learning new things at my job. I'm in school and making straight A's (HELLO 4.0!) and am constantly challenged with juggling all my responsibilities and friends and leaving time for myself. A-
MOVE: I feel confident that I'm continuing to move forward, continuing to work on myself and be better, and continuing to heal. A-
RESPOND: This will never not be hard. But I'm learning to acknowledge my initial reactions, sit on them, breathe, and respond when I feel clear about things. Currently holding steady with a B.
CONSISTENCY: I'm doing okay. I'm getting there. My driving self still needs to get it together and be nice. I'll give it a good long look and settle on a C.
HONESTY: Is it jerky of me to say I feel like I'm dominating this? In a nice way? A-.
INVEST: I've invested in a lot of new experiences and with new friends. I'm working on investing my time better. Hmmm. B-?
GIVE: Gosh. In the practice of honesty, I kind of wish I hadn't put this on here. Do any of you realize how challenging it can be to be generous? Especially when it comes to grace or forgiveness? Yikes. C-.
PRESENT: This has evolved throughout the year. I've had more and more days in the recent past that haven't included a status update. And I like that. I reached the tipping point with FB and while I haven't deactivated my account, I have deleted the app off my phone and it's been a game-changer. I've hardly looked at it in the last 2 weeks. It feels great. The biggest area I need to improve on is being present, even and especially when I feel bored. It is way too easy to pick up my phone and check Twitter or Instagram or blogs or whatever. I want to stop sending the message, "I wish I wasn't here right now." B-
REMEMBER: I've been struck this year with how easy it is to forget and how hard it is to remember. I've enjoyed jogging my memory, writing, reading old writing, and taking and looking through pictures. B+
DANCE: Easiest intention ever. A+. Happens every day in my cubicle, in my car, in my house, on my deck. Heck, it happens at Target and Whole Foods just as often.
It looks like I'm averaging a solid B right now. I'm happy with that. I hope you're still working on your intentions. There is still time, my friends.
PEACE: Goodness. This has been a wonderful challenge. I guess I didn't realize how many things I hang on to until I challenged myself to let things go. I give myself a B-. I've made major improvements in this area, but there is still plenty of room for more.
QUIET: This has probably been my favorite thing to be intentional about. I've been eating breakfast or dinner on my patio, doing homework out there and allowing the soundtrack to be birds and crickets and traffic and the wind whispering through the trees. The second most popular quiet spot is my car. I've been spending more time with the windows down, more time clearing my brain instead of filling my ears. B+
PLAY: I have tried to really push myself to participate in life regardless of my situation. If I want to go to a movie and can't find someone to go, I go by myself. If I want to eat dinner out and can't find a pal to meet me, I go anyway. If I want to go fly a kite at the lake, I do it. If I want to have a dance party, I do it. If I want to go to a concert, I buy 2 tickets and figure it out later. A-
FOLLOW THRU: Not to brag, but this has maybe been the most consistent time in my life and I'm really proud that I've managed to not over-commit myself. I've cut my running late down to about 5 minutes and to my knowledge have kept all my promises. A!
RISK: I'm doing it. I've been putting myself out there. That includes making new friends and going on 2 dates with strangers. B+
CHALLENGE: I think there's been plenty of this happening throughout the entire year. I'm listening to podcasts and reading articles that challenge my opinions and beliefs. I'm going to harder yoga classes that force me to try new things. I'm learning new things at my job. I'm in school and making straight A's (HELLO 4.0!) and am constantly challenged with juggling all my responsibilities and friends and leaving time for myself. A-
MOVE: I feel confident that I'm continuing to move forward, continuing to work on myself and be better, and continuing to heal. A-
RESPOND: This will never not be hard. But I'm learning to acknowledge my initial reactions, sit on them, breathe, and respond when I feel clear about things. Currently holding steady with a B.
CONSISTENCY: I'm doing okay. I'm getting there. My driving self still needs to get it together and be nice. I'll give it a good long look and settle on a C.
HONESTY: Is it jerky of me to say I feel like I'm dominating this? In a nice way? A-.
INVEST: I've invested in a lot of new experiences and with new friends. I'm working on investing my time better. Hmmm. B-?
GIVE: Gosh. In the practice of honesty, I kind of wish I hadn't put this on here. Do any of you realize how challenging it can be to be generous? Especially when it comes to grace or forgiveness? Yikes. C-.
PRESENT: This has evolved throughout the year. I've had more and more days in the recent past that haven't included a status update. And I like that. I reached the tipping point with FB and while I haven't deactivated my account, I have deleted the app off my phone and it's been a game-changer. I've hardly looked at it in the last 2 weeks. It feels great. The biggest area I need to improve on is being present, even and especially when I feel bored. It is way too easy to pick up my phone and check Twitter or Instagram or blogs or whatever. I want to stop sending the message, "I wish I wasn't here right now." B-
REMEMBER: I've been struck this year with how easy it is to forget and how hard it is to remember. I've enjoyed jogging my memory, writing, reading old writing, and taking and looking through pictures. B+
DANCE: Easiest intention ever. A+. Happens every day in my cubicle, in my car, in my house, on my deck. Heck, it happens at Target and Whole Foods just as often.
It looks like I'm averaging a solid B right now. I'm happy with that. I hope you're still working on your intentions. There is still time, my friends.
Lyric
"Oh, rain. Come wash me and keep me and take me away."
- Trampled By Turtles, "Widower's Heart."
- Trampled By Turtles, "Widower's Heart."
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Thanks for the Article, Anne.
I'm going to link to an article you need to read. And I want to say up front that I found this article because someone I follow on twitter that I think is hilarious posted the link earlier today and mentioned Anne Lamott. I clicked on the link because I like Anne Lamott. And I was disappointed that it took me to Oprah's website. I don't love Oprah. I think she's done a lot of good for people, for women, for children in Africa, but I also wonder why she won't marry her long-time live-in boyfriend, and why she wears fake eyelashes, and why she's building her own kingdom of things that don't matter. But whatever. Not the point. She likes Anne Lamott so we've got that in common.
The article is brilliant. It's called, "How To Find Out Who You Really Are." In case you don't trust me or are too lazy to read the whole thing, here are some excerpts:
"You have to make mistakes to find out who you aren't. You take the action, and the insight follows: You don't think your way into becoming yourself."
"Every single day I try to figure out something I no longer agree to do. You get to change your mind—your parents may have accidentally forgotten to mention this to you."
The article is brilliant. It's called, "How To Find Out Who You Really Are." In case you don't trust me or are too lazy to read the whole thing, here are some excerpts:
"You have to make mistakes to find out who you aren't. You take the action, and the insight follows: You don't think your way into becoming yourself."
"Every single day I try to figure out something I no longer agree to do. You get to change your mind—your parents may have accidentally forgotten to mention this to you."
Saturday, September 8, 2012
an open letter to fall
Hey Fall, (to be read with "Hey Girl" inflection)
I just wanted to say thanks for showing up this morning with your 59 degree self and staying a while. As you know it's been another record breaking summer and morale has been low what with all the West Nile and E-coli and Chik-Fil-A scandals. Oh and hurricanes and rising oceans and earthquakes.
I'm not mad at summer, I just think they've taken more than their turn when it comes to the seasons, you know? We all know if somebody hogs more than their time then someone else has to pay for it and let's be honest; it's usually you or Spring. You guys get so shafted. On behalf of the other seasons and Momma Nature, I'm real sorry about that. Just know that I'm always pulling for. If you ever need a place to stay and linger, my house has extra bedrooms and you're welcome to crash anytime.
But seriously. I feel you this morning. That's why I'm out here on the deck, eating cookies and toasting to you, Fall. Thanks for giving us hope that you do exist, that you are coming, and that even though you bring with you lots of annoying football fans, you also bring pumpkin everything and Patty Griffin concerts, and long-awaited new albums, and Thanksgiving.
Love you. Mean it. xoxo,
-C
I just wanted to say thanks for showing up this morning with your 59 degree self and staying a while. As you know it's been another record breaking summer and morale has been low what with all the West Nile and E-coli and Chik-Fil-A scandals. Oh and hurricanes and rising oceans and earthquakes.
I'm not mad at summer, I just think they've taken more than their turn when it comes to the seasons, you know? We all know if somebody hogs more than their time then someone else has to pay for it and let's be honest; it's usually you or Spring. You guys get so shafted. On behalf of the other seasons and Momma Nature, I'm real sorry about that. Just know that I'm always pulling for. If you ever need a place to stay and linger, my house has extra bedrooms and you're welcome to crash anytime.
But seriously. I feel you this morning. That's why I'm out here on the deck, eating cookies and toasting to you, Fall. Thanks for giving us hope that you do exist, that you are coming, and that even though you bring with you lots of annoying football fans, you also bring pumpkin everything and Patty Griffin concerts, and long-awaited new albums, and Thanksgiving.
Love you. Mean it. xoxo,
-C
Monday, September 3, 2012
brunch
source
I had a few friends over today for brunch on my deck in honor of it being Labor Day. I love brunch. It is one of the greatest inventions ever. (Yes, I totally googled who invented brunch.) You get to sleep in and still eat breakfast food! (This is of course trumped by breakfast-for-dinner.) Unfortunately sleeping in is now classified as 7:30am. Regardless, this morning was very relaxing. There is something methodical to me about making food for people. Probably because there are usually rules and steps to follow and I love that. It's also enjoyable because I don't do it much anymore. It's hard to make a meal for a party of 1, you feel me?
The truth is, it could've been any meal and I would've enjoyed it. I love food. I love eating. I love sharing an open table with friends. (Bonus: eating outside!) The entire experience is something that's really special to me no matter how many times I do it. I firmly believe that life happens in the moments between our bites and laughs and stories and songs. Yum.
Here's to eating more brunch, cooking for others, and holidays.
Bon Appetit, my friends.
PS: I want to go to every one of these parties. They totally get ambiance. And I bet the food they're eating is incredible. Sigh.
PSS: If I ever was to open a restaurant, I would name it Ambiance. Copywrite: me, circa 2012.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
rough and tumble
It has been a week. One of those weeks. Those weeks where you're just waiting for the next thing because it always comes in threes.
I am exhausted.
Not like Mariah Carey-I-collapsed-and-had-to-be-checked-into-a-hospital-i'm-having-a-nervous-breakdown-Britney Spears-exhausted. Just the regular, "I've-been-running-at-full-speed-with-not-enough-sleep-for-too-many-nights-wearing-my-cranky-pants." I've neglected yoga and haven't been taking care of myself. Not enough nights on a patio with friends. Not enough sunshine and fresh air. Too many worries about other people and their thoughts or behaviors or actions. Too much negativity and heaviness.
Bombs started dropping Sunday. That's not really fair. They're not bombs yet. Right now they're just conversations, thoughts, and processing. My parents have lived apart (different states) for the last 5ish years due to my dad's job. My mom was sharing at Sunday lunch about some things that she's been thinking about and just kind of threw them out for me and my brother to give feedback on. One of those things is possibly moving to be with my dad. We were catching up on things with my brother and his job and there's a possibility that he could also be moving after the new year. Let me say right now, I'm super proud of both my mom and brother and think the possibility of the moves happening is exciting. (Selfishly, because it gives me more cool cities to visit.)
I would be lying if I said I didn't immediately start thinking of how these situations have potential to impact me and my life. It's the "fixer" in me. I want to anticipate change whenever possible so I can figure out how to manage it. I don't mind change that I'm in control of. I don't have a problem with change that's my idea. But when others throw me curve balls and threaten to shake my foundation, I start panicking. "Why are you changing things?" It starts to make me twitch.
Since d-word life started, my mom and brother have been a bigger part of my life. My brother has helped me move furniture, he's taken me out to dinner, he lets me bum his cable for Thunder games, he goes on road trips with me, he calls me and tells me when I need to put my car in the garage because there's going to be hail and tornadoes. We've been pals for as long as I can remember. My mom has picked me up from the airport, helped shuttle me to/from work when my car's in the shop, she makes Sunday lunch every week that she's in town, she'll take me to get a pedicure to catch up, she calls or texts me to see how I'm getting through the week, and she comes to anything I'm involved in and buys something. These peeps are a big part of my support system. When my foundation came apart with everything that happened last year, they quietly filled in the gaps. I'm really grateful for them.
At the lunch table, after everyone aired what was going on in their life, I said, "You've really upset my fruit basket." I was saying that to be funny...but I was also serious. I've had this idea in my mind of how the next 16 months are going to go. I'm going to work, I'm going to finish school, I'm going to complete my internship, I'm going to maintain my friendships, I'm going to keep playing music, I'm going to continue to be independent. Here's how that's going:
Monday, I took a 1/2 day off of work to go down to Norman to have lunch with a friend and interview for a potential internship. Lunch was great and the interview couldn't have gone better. It's my #1 choice and they told me on the spot that they wanted me. I left the interview and ran around to set up my background check and drug test and turn in paperwork they needed. The only thing I was waiting on was to hear from my job what they were going to be able to do. I left knowing I had until Friday to accept/decline the internship. I went to a baseball game that night feeling pretty good, a little overwhelmed with details, but excited that things had gone so well.
Tuesday, I ran more errands on my lunch break. Things were falling into place. Then I got word that my job wasn't going to be able to accommodate my schedule needs for the internship. I said it was fine with a smile on my face and said I knew that was a possibility and thanked them for even considering it. They were sorry. I told them not to be. I made a joke and walked back to my cubicle. And I felt all the wind in my sails slowly leaking out. I went back and forth with myself about expectations and disappointment and how crying at your desk is so last year. I told myself that this was not the end of the world. I told myself "You is smart. You is kind. You is important." I told myself that we would figure it out and reminded myself, "whatever comes, we shall endure." I pulled myself together, finished the work day, grabbed my stuff and headed to class.
And it just kept going down from there. I had to break-up with the internship on Wednesday and that felt miserable. It's never fun to turn down something you want. And it's even less fun when the person on the other end seems to be just as bummed as you are. We agreed to keep in touch and hope something can work out in the Spring.
The rest of the pieces that have made this week rough are just annoying and stupid. I got 2 different text messages that were meant for my former spouse. Free advice: Don't marry someone whose name is one letter different than yours. Whether you end up divorced or not, you'll get text messages that weren't meant for you. Sometimes it's funny. Sometimes it stings a little bit. Either way, it's awkward. The next thing just sounds stupid, but Facebook makes me angry. I am not capable of surface friendship. I can't do it. I'm either all-in, or all-out. And being all-in doesn't require Facebook.
I've been processing all these pieces all week in between podcasts and music and spreadsheets and class and some fun too. I have felt myself starting to gasp for air...starting to feel like I'm sinking...starting to panic that there is no wind in my sails. I had the eureka moment today. The major parts of this week (moving, job, internship) all felt like abandonment. In the panicked moments, it has felt like all the things I was counting on have up and left me. I have heard the echos of 2011. But above those echos, I am hearing another song. I'm still deciphering it, but it sounds like hope. And reassurance. And it sounds solid.
So if you'll excuse me, I've got a fruit basket to put back together.
I am exhausted.
Not like Mariah Carey-I-collapsed-and-had-to-be-checked-into-a-hospital-i'm-having-a-nervous-breakdown-Britney Spears-exhausted. Just the regular, "I've-been-running-at-full-speed-with-not-enough-sleep-for-too-many-nights-wearing-my-cranky-pants." I've neglected yoga and haven't been taking care of myself. Not enough nights on a patio with friends. Not enough sunshine and fresh air. Too many worries about other people and their thoughts or behaviors or actions. Too much negativity and heaviness.
Bombs started dropping Sunday. That's not really fair. They're not bombs yet. Right now they're just conversations, thoughts, and processing. My parents have lived apart (different states) for the last 5ish years due to my dad's job. My mom was sharing at Sunday lunch about some things that she's been thinking about and just kind of threw them out for me and my brother to give feedback on. One of those things is possibly moving to be with my dad. We were catching up on things with my brother and his job and there's a possibility that he could also be moving after the new year. Let me say right now, I'm super proud of both my mom and brother and think the possibility of the moves happening is exciting. (Selfishly, because it gives me more cool cities to visit.)
I would be lying if I said I didn't immediately start thinking of how these situations have potential to impact me and my life. It's the "fixer" in me. I want to anticipate change whenever possible so I can figure out how to manage it. I don't mind change that I'm in control of. I don't have a problem with change that's my idea. But when others throw me curve balls and threaten to shake my foundation, I start panicking. "Why are you changing things?" It starts to make me twitch.
Since d-word life started, my mom and brother have been a bigger part of my life. My brother has helped me move furniture, he's taken me out to dinner, he lets me bum his cable for Thunder games, he goes on road trips with me, he calls me and tells me when I need to put my car in the garage because there's going to be hail and tornadoes. We've been pals for as long as I can remember. My mom has picked me up from the airport, helped shuttle me to/from work when my car's in the shop, she makes Sunday lunch every week that she's in town, she'll take me to get a pedicure to catch up, she calls or texts me to see how I'm getting through the week, and she comes to anything I'm involved in and buys something. These peeps are a big part of my support system. When my foundation came apart with everything that happened last year, they quietly filled in the gaps. I'm really grateful for them.
At the lunch table, after everyone aired what was going on in their life, I said, "You've really upset my fruit basket." I was saying that to be funny...but I was also serious. I've had this idea in my mind of how the next 16 months are going to go. I'm going to work, I'm going to finish school, I'm going to complete my internship, I'm going to maintain my friendships, I'm going to keep playing music, I'm going to continue to be independent. Here's how that's going:
Monday, I took a 1/2 day off of work to go down to Norman to have lunch with a friend and interview for a potential internship. Lunch was great and the interview couldn't have gone better. It's my #1 choice and they told me on the spot that they wanted me. I left the interview and ran around to set up my background check and drug test and turn in paperwork they needed. The only thing I was waiting on was to hear from my job what they were going to be able to do. I left knowing I had until Friday to accept/decline the internship. I went to a baseball game that night feeling pretty good, a little overwhelmed with details, but excited that things had gone so well.
Tuesday, I ran more errands on my lunch break. Things were falling into place. Then I got word that my job wasn't going to be able to accommodate my schedule needs for the internship. I said it was fine with a smile on my face and said I knew that was a possibility and thanked them for even considering it. They were sorry. I told them not to be. I made a joke and walked back to my cubicle. And I felt all the wind in my sails slowly leaking out. I went back and forth with myself about expectations and disappointment and how crying at your desk is so last year. I told myself that this was not the end of the world. I told myself "You is smart. You is kind. You is important." I told myself that we would figure it out and reminded myself, "whatever comes, we shall endure." I pulled myself together, finished the work day, grabbed my stuff and headed to class.
And it just kept going down from there. I had to break-up with the internship on Wednesday and that felt miserable. It's never fun to turn down something you want. And it's even less fun when the person on the other end seems to be just as bummed as you are. We agreed to keep in touch and hope something can work out in the Spring.
The rest of the pieces that have made this week rough are just annoying and stupid. I got 2 different text messages that were meant for my former spouse. Free advice: Don't marry someone whose name is one letter different than yours. Whether you end up divorced or not, you'll get text messages that weren't meant for you. Sometimes it's funny. Sometimes it stings a little bit. Either way, it's awkward. The next thing just sounds stupid, but Facebook makes me angry. I am not capable of surface friendship. I can't do it. I'm either all-in, or all-out. And being all-in doesn't require Facebook.
I've been processing all these pieces all week in between podcasts and music and spreadsheets and class and some fun too. I have felt myself starting to gasp for air...starting to feel like I'm sinking...starting to panic that there is no wind in my sails. I had the eureka moment today. The major parts of this week (moving, job, internship) all felt like abandonment. In the panicked moments, it has felt like all the things I was counting on have up and left me. I have heard the echos of 2011. But above those echos, I am hearing another song. I'm still deciphering it, but it sounds like hope. And reassurance. And it sounds solid.
So if you'll excuse me, I've got a fruit basket to put back together.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Lyric
So if your inner scaffolding feels frail
Just remember God loves mostly those who fail.
--Eef Barzelay, "History"
Just remember God loves mostly those who fail.
--Eef Barzelay, "History"
Monday, August 20, 2012
Excerpt
"...I am remembering my soft parts. The parts of me that
deserve all good things. All good people. All good laughter and love and
amazing bright skies and warm water and things that make me sigh big
long sighs of all things good... I think that it comes from somewhere simple and fantastic
like those sewn up soft pieces and the nearly renovated girly bit shop,
reminding me that so much good is still in me and it might be time to
start sharing it again." - Dani Burlison
(Taken from this article.)
(Taken from this article.)
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Quote
"I tell you loneliness is the thing to master. Courage and fear, love, death are only parts of it and can easily be ruled afterwards. If I make myself master my own loneliness there will be peace or safety: and perhaps these are the same." - Martha Gellhorn
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Quote
“Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, and it is yours.” –Ayn Rand
Monday, July 30, 2012
Gentleman
I had a great vacation...including the bonus 6 hours I am spending in the Baltimore Airport. I think I'm still being taught to embrace solitude. Honestly, that's getting frustrating. I want to just look up at the sky and be like, "I get it. I'm workin' on it." It's been so nice to get a weekend of sleep, security, and sharing life with people I don't get to see very often.
I've got to brag on my friend's husbands/boyfriends for a minute. My friends are obviously awesome on their own and therefore married well. But their partner isn't just awesome to them, they're awesome to me. Since I became a d-word there's been multiple times that these guys have stepped in or stepped up to help me out. This weekend, my friend Emily's husband Tyler met me at my Metro stop and rolled my suitcase to their condo for me. Then he took me out for a drink and food while we waited for Emily to get off work. And he wouldn't let me pay. Because he's a gentleman like that. Then today, Hannah's boyfriend Stuart bought my lunch. Because I was their guest. Because he's a gentleman like that. And Ashley's husband Brandon is staying up past his bedtime to pick me up from my flight...which has been delayed 4.5 hours. Because he's a gentleman like that.
I appreciate these guys and the many more like them out there who are keeping the word gentleman alive.
I've got to brag on my friend's husbands/boyfriends for a minute. My friends are obviously awesome on their own and therefore married well. But their partner isn't just awesome to them, they're awesome to me. Since I became a d-word there's been multiple times that these guys have stepped in or stepped up to help me out. This weekend, my friend Emily's husband Tyler met me at my Metro stop and rolled my suitcase to their condo for me. Then he took me out for a drink and food while we waited for Emily to get off work. And he wouldn't let me pay. Because he's a gentleman like that. Then today, Hannah's boyfriend Stuart bought my lunch. Because I was their guest. Because he's a gentleman like that. And Ashley's husband Brandon is staying up past his bedtime to pick me up from my flight...which has been delayed 4.5 hours. Because he's a gentleman like that.
I appreciate these guys and the many more like them out there who are keeping the word gentleman alive.
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