Wednesday, January 29, 2014

That time I realized what happiness was...

I found this in my drafts from 2013 and decided it's time to start writing again. 2013: A year in review is to come. But first, this.


Oh my. I have only written 8 times in 6 months. That may or may not have something to do with grad school.

Or a boy. #SorryI'mNotSorry.

I am way out of practice. Writing has become mostly academic in 2013. I have missed it beaucoups as it has been one of my main forms of processing, coping, healing, venting, etc. It's also something that brings me joy and life and happiness. It does something for my soul. It's cathartic.

So gosh, where do I even start?!

This year has been so many things. It's been full of so many good things. So many hard things.

Belly laughs.
Bike rides.
Star gazing.
Porch time.
Bocce ball.

It is a strange thing to read words I wrote nearly two years ago. To hear myself talk about hope and my heart being whole again. To speak the dream of sharing life with someone again. Reading them now, it almost makes me laugh. I don't remember if I really believed the things I said or not. I think I was trying to bring myself comfort; trying to reassure myself that I would be wanted again. I do remember thinking it felt unfair to get a second chance when so many people haven't had their first. I'm pretty sure there was a lot of doubt that anyone would be on that shore thinking I was an alright gal. At least anytime soon. I think I was more concerned with just surviving that hurricane of divorce than with my heart sitting in someone's hands again. I think I thought me, myself, and I were going to just live our life and that would be that. Divorce kind of does that to you. It feels like everything you ever dreamed is ruined. And so you stop dreaming. And you just kind of live your life with a smile but an emptiness.

But life is a sneaky sneak. And just when you've made your plans, it nails you with a curve ball.

Nothing in 2013 has gone as planned. I had to quit my job. I had to live off savings. I had to be in class every-other-weekend. I had to listen to some criticism and show up the next day. I had to change my attitude. I had to sit face-to-face with adaptability and flexibility and learn how to live un-anchored.

But that curve ball kept coming: complete with a Boy and his daughter. They just kinda showed up in my life and then we made salsa on Christmas and haven't stopped spending time together since. Sneaky sneak, I tell you. Plans = out the window. And the result has been so beautiful.

I am swimming in grace.
I am steeping in kindness.
I am marinating in love.
I am sharing the practice of life with another.

 And it's my favorite.

1 comment:

Cameron Von St James said...

Hi Cara! My name is Cameron and I had a quick question about your blog and was wondering if you could email me when you have a moment. Thank you so much, hope you are having a great Friday. :)