It's time. Time to move on. Time to lay this thing to rest. I have really missed writing and find this season of life to have way more things to process and discuss, with myself, with Micah, with all the people, and so that means: NEW BLOG. It'll probably be mostly about traveling and step-parenting, doting on Micah, and living on a prairie. So, nothing new, really, just a new blog home.
This blog has been an amazing place for me. A place of rest and refuge and a place of community and solidarity. I've met several people through this blog that I may not have met otherwise! And they are people who have become some of my best people. I couldn't have imagined that 7 years ago when I started writing nonsense about overalls and working at DHS and being married. I'm so glad it happened and I'm glad I have this record of the silly and the serious to look back over.
Thank you for reading my words. Thank you for encouraging me to keep writing. Thank you for sharing in life with me through a computer screen. It has meant a lot to me.
All the feelings,
C
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
A year in review
I came across a journal I bought at the end of 2012.
(HA, one of my 2013 intentions was to journal more. Or something like
that.) I was thumbing through it and realized I stopped "journaling"
back in July. (Let's be clear, I maybe used 20 pages of this thing.) I
think I very foolishly rely too much on my brain to remember all the
things and the feelings and the details of the day(s). I am not yet
disciplined in the ways of writing down the things that happen.
That led me back to my blog where I saw that I only wrote 9 blogs in 2013. (Sounds about right after uncovering my success in journaling.) Apparently I used to blog. (What?!) And semi-often. When did I have time for that? I very rudely promised lots of stories (mostly about a boy) and then never delivered. For the very few few few of you that actually read this to keep up with my life, I'm so very sorry that I have been absent. I will make no promises for the future, but I'd like to at least cover the happenings of 2013 if for no other reason than I may not remember otherwise.
---THE BEGINNING---
January:
-I turned 28 and had probably the best birthday and celebration of my birthday ever. I had so many birthday meals that I think my birthday lasted nearly a month. I got mail and surprise gifts and even flowers from a boy. I felt very loved and significant.
-I finished my last weekly class for my Masters and got ready to transition to weekend classes. At this point I had a 4.0 which I've never had in my life. I was over the moon about it.
-I quit my full-time job to accommodate my graduate internship. Probably the riskiest thing I've ever done.
- I had my first client EVER and no one threw up or walked out. Success!
February:
-I interviewed for several jobs and didn't get any of them. I started to panic that I was going to have to move home and live with my mom and eat ramen noodles.
-I listened to a poem read by my beau on headphones I happened to have in my purse during the intro of Mary Poppins at The Civic Center with my mom. Happy Valentines Day to me, indeed.
-A quick trip to DC to see some of my favorite people. I got to meet Emily's new baby, have a 3-hour dinner with Jessy, and watch black-and-white TV shows on YouTube with Stuart and Hannah. I also played long-distance Oscar bingo with the Farmer.
-Weekend classes started. UGH.
March:
-More interviews. No calls. Sadness. Panic.
-Lots of homemade dinners and long talks with my boy.
-Kite flying on the farm with H.
-A weekend of keeping Nora all by myself! (The. Best.)
-Trip to Arkie to see my sister and the kiddies.
April:
-The Easter that I wore black. Oops.
-Nora turned 1 (AH!).
-My boyfriend started spending lots of time with my friends.
-Many sunny dinners on the porch at the farm.
-Weekend trip to Kansas City to see Bobby McFerrin with my boy and his girl.
May:
-Another friend had a baby and I became an auntie for the 29340823094832 time. (Hi Sloane!)
-An afternoon picnic in the park with M & H eating sushi and drawing with sidewalk chalk.
-A trip to The House on the Hill to celebrate Grammy's birthday and eat homemade ice cream. (I love traditions.)
-Got a roommate after living alone for 2 years.
-REALIZING I ONLY HAVE 6 MORE MONTHS OF CLASS.
June:
-GOT A JOB!!! (Part-time. Still counts.)
-Watched "The Sandlot" on the outfield of the Redhawks stadium with the Logans.
-Watched Drewbie play baseball. (Also a tradition.)
-First weekend away with just me and my farm boy! We went to Denver and ate tons of great food and rode bicycles and got sunburns and laughed a lot.
-Saw Shakey Graves in concert. (GOOD.)
-celebrated the best 6 months in a long long long time.
-Summer Solstice party.
July:
-Headed to Carmel, California to spend 4 days with friends by the ocean with M & H. This was our first long trip together and we all had a blast.
-Saw "The King & I" at Lyric with my mom, M & H. Fun night to be fancy.
-Shakespeare in the Park!
-Started game night with the Patricks. (The. Best.)
August:
-Moustache Bash with friends downtown.
-Quick trip to Dallas to visit Ikea and American Girl.
-H's first day of 2nd grade!
-M's mom entered her rooster in the county fair. So great.
-My former spouse finished his last responsibility of our divorce decree. The final end of the end.
September:
-Kim's wedding and wearing red lipstick.
-Shakespeare in the Park again followed by a walk to the Skybridge and rolling down hills with M & H.
-Fairy ball in the Paseo. Cutest fairy = H. Duh.
-Lake weekend with M & H and a bunch of our friends. Lots of laughs and games and time outside.
October:
-Shovels & Rope at Cain's Ballroom. OH MY.
-The Lumineers at the Downtown Airpark. Meh.
-M went to ACL and I spent some time with H. Fun weekend together.
-CCI DONE!!! (Only the biggest project of my graduate school career which ended up being 29 single spaced pages. HARRUMPH. DONE.) Dear Self: YOU PASSED WITH NO RE-WRITES!
-Celebratory fancy hotel stay due to passing said biggest graduate school project in the history of time.
-7th annual pumpkin carving with McCullocks & Snows out at the farm.
-Neewollah in KS with my family and M & H. So many fun memories and traditions that all came together this weekend. Loved it.
November:
-MANDY VISIT!!!
-Hip Hop yoga class. I may have cried through part of it due to exhaustion, missing yoga, and Mandy's return.
-H learned to flip on the trampoline.
-Exhaustion set in. Considered dropping out of school.
-T:Give with my brother and M's family.
-Friendsgivingmas at the farm!
December:
-HOLY MOLY MACARONI I FINISHED GRADUATE SCHOOL. SUMMA CUM LAUDE.
-Family brunch at the farm!
-Celebratory trip to Seattle with M to see Noah Gunderson and family! So worth it.
-Still exhausted from school.
-5th annual Xmas cookie decorating with Shenold!
-Christmas #1 with M's family.
-Christmas #2 with just M & H.
-Christmas #3 with my family.
-swearing off Christmas forever.
-Celebrate ONE YEAR of laughter, happiness, support, encouragement, appreciation, projects, love notes, bike rides, sunsets, walks, patio dining, cuddles, snuggles, cooking, cocktails & wine, and LOVE with my favorite person of all the people---my boocoupe*. (*beyonce nickname)
-Spent NYE with McCullocks and Patricks eating, playing games, and hanging out.
---THE END---
2013 was a great year. It brought challenges and delights, beginnings and endings. More wonderful than finishing school and getting the chance to actually practice this counseling thing was the chance to give my heart away. There's no way I could've found a better man than my Farm Boy. He is the absolute best and I'm incredibly grateful that he chose me and chooses me. It has been a great adventure to trust someone again; to love someone again. I could write a lot about him, but what you need to know is that he hears me and he sees me. And I feel the luckiest to even know him, let alone be his girl. I am happy. That's what 2013 was: happy.
That led me back to my blog where I saw that I only wrote 9 blogs in 2013. (Sounds about right after uncovering my success in journaling.) Apparently I used to blog. (What?!) And semi-often. When did I have time for that? I very rudely promised lots of stories (mostly about a boy) and then never delivered. For the very few few few of you that actually read this to keep up with my life, I'm so very sorry that I have been absent. I will make no promises for the future, but I'd like to at least cover the happenings of 2013 if for no other reason than I may not remember otherwise.
---THE BEGINNING---
January:
-I turned 28 and had probably the best birthday and celebration of my birthday ever. I had so many birthday meals that I think my birthday lasted nearly a month. I got mail and surprise gifts and even flowers from a boy. I felt very loved and significant.
-I finished my last weekly class for my Masters and got ready to transition to weekend classes. At this point I had a 4.0 which I've never had in my life. I was over the moon about it.
-I quit my full-time job to accommodate my graduate internship. Probably the riskiest thing I've ever done.
- I had my first client EVER and no one threw up or walked out. Success!
February:
-I interviewed for several jobs and didn't get any of them. I started to panic that I was going to have to move home and live with my mom and eat ramen noodles.
-I listened to a poem read by my beau on headphones I happened to have in my purse during the intro of Mary Poppins at The Civic Center with my mom. Happy Valentines Day to me, indeed.
-A quick trip to DC to see some of my favorite people. I got to meet Emily's new baby, have a 3-hour dinner with Jessy, and watch black-and-white TV shows on YouTube with Stuart and Hannah. I also played long-distance Oscar bingo with the Farmer.
-Weekend classes started. UGH.
March:
-More interviews. No calls. Sadness. Panic.
-Lots of homemade dinners and long talks with my boy.
-Kite flying on the farm with H.
-A weekend of keeping Nora all by myself! (The. Best.)
-Trip to Arkie to see my sister and the kiddies.
April:
-The Easter that I wore black. Oops.
-Nora turned 1 (AH!).
-My boyfriend started spending lots of time with my friends.
-Many sunny dinners on the porch at the farm.
-Weekend trip to Kansas City to see Bobby McFerrin with my boy and his girl.
May:
-Another friend had a baby and I became an auntie for the 29340823094832 time. (Hi Sloane!)
-An afternoon picnic in the park with M & H eating sushi and drawing with sidewalk chalk.
-A trip to The House on the Hill to celebrate Grammy's birthday and eat homemade ice cream. (I love traditions.)
-Got a roommate after living alone for 2 years.
-REALIZING I ONLY HAVE 6 MORE MONTHS OF CLASS.
June:
-GOT A JOB!!! (Part-time. Still counts.)
-Watched "The Sandlot" on the outfield of the Redhawks stadium with the Logans.
-Watched Drewbie play baseball. (Also a tradition.)
-First weekend away with just me and my farm boy! We went to Denver and ate tons of great food and rode bicycles and got sunburns and laughed a lot.
-Saw Shakey Graves in concert. (GOOD.)
-celebrated the best 6 months in a long long long time.
-Summer Solstice party.
July:
-Headed to Carmel, California to spend 4 days with friends by the ocean with M & H. This was our first long trip together and we all had a blast.
-Saw "The King & I" at Lyric with my mom, M & H. Fun night to be fancy.
-Shakespeare in the Park!
-Started game night with the Patricks. (The. Best.)
August:
-Moustache Bash with friends downtown.
-Quick trip to Dallas to visit Ikea and American Girl.
-H's first day of 2nd grade!
-M's mom entered her rooster in the county fair. So great.
-My former spouse finished his last responsibility of our divorce decree. The final end of the end.
September:
-Kim's wedding and wearing red lipstick.
-Shakespeare in the Park again followed by a walk to the Skybridge and rolling down hills with M & H.
-Fairy ball in the Paseo. Cutest fairy = H. Duh.
-Lake weekend with M & H and a bunch of our friends. Lots of laughs and games and time outside.
October:
-Shovels & Rope at Cain's Ballroom. OH MY.
-The Lumineers at the Downtown Airpark. Meh.
-M went to ACL and I spent some time with H. Fun weekend together.
-CCI DONE!!! (Only the biggest project of my graduate school career which ended up being 29 single spaced pages. HARRUMPH. DONE.) Dear Self: YOU PASSED WITH NO RE-WRITES!
-Celebratory fancy hotel stay due to passing said biggest graduate school project in the history of time.
-7th annual pumpkin carving with McCullocks & Snows out at the farm.
-Neewollah in KS with my family and M & H. So many fun memories and traditions that all came together this weekend. Loved it.
November:
-MANDY VISIT!!!
-Hip Hop yoga class. I may have cried through part of it due to exhaustion, missing yoga, and Mandy's return.
-H learned to flip on the trampoline.
-Exhaustion set in. Considered dropping out of school.
-T:Give with my brother and M's family.
-Friendsgivingmas at the farm!
December:
-HOLY MOLY MACARONI I FINISHED GRADUATE SCHOOL. SUMMA CUM LAUDE.
-Family brunch at the farm!
-Celebratory trip to Seattle with M to see Noah Gunderson and family! So worth it.
-Still exhausted from school.
-5th annual Xmas cookie decorating with Shenold!
-Christmas #1 with M's family.
-Christmas #2 with just M & H.
-Christmas #3 with my family.
-swearing off Christmas forever.
-Celebrate ONE YEAR of laughter, happiness, support, encouragement, appreciation, projects, love notes, bike rides, sunsets, walks, patio dining, cuddles, snuggles, cooking, cocktails & wine, and LOVE with my favorite person of all the people---my boocoupe*. (*beyonce nickname)
-Spent NYE with McCullocks and Patricks eating, playing games, and hanging out.
---THE END---
2013 was a great year. It brought challenges and delights, beginnings and endings. More wonderful than finishing school and getting the chance to actually practice this counseling thing was the chance to give my heart away. There's no way I could've found a better man than my Farm Boy. He is the absolute best and I'm incredibly grateful that he chose me and chooses me. It has been a great adventure to trust someone again; to love someone again. I could write a lot about him, but what you need to know is that he hears me and he sees me. And I feel the luckiest to even know him, let alone be his girl. I am happy. That's what 2013 was: happy.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
That time I realized what happiness was...
I found this in my drafts from 2013 and decided it's time to start writing again. 2013: A year in review is to come. But first, this.
------
Oh my. I have only written 8 times in 6 months. That may or may not have something to do with grad school.
Or a boy. #SorryI'mNotSorry.
I am way out of practice. Writing has become mostly academic in 2013. I have missed it beaucoups as it has been one of my main forms of processing, coping, healing, venting, etc. It's also something that brings me joy and life and happiness. It does something for my soul. It's cathartic.
So gosh, where do I even start?!
This year has been so many things. It's been full of so many good things. So many hard things.
Tears.
Belly laughs.
Friends.
Bike rides.
Star gazing.
Porch time.
Poems.
Bocce ball.
Conversations.
Fear.
Risk.
Change.
Uncertainty.
Happiness.
Love.
It is a strange thing to read words I wrote nearly two years ago. To hear myself talk about hope and my heart being whole again. To speak the dream of sharing life with someone again. Reading them now, it almost makes me laugh. I don't remember if I really believed the things I said or not. I think I was trying to bring myself comfort; trying to reassure myself that I would be wanted again. I do remember thinking it felt unfair to get a second chance when so many people haven't had their first. I'm pretty sure there was a lot of doubt that anyone would be on that shore thinking I was an alright gal. At least anytime soon. I think I was more concerned with just surviving that hurricane of divorce than with my heart sitting in someone's hands again. I think I thought me, myself, and I were going to just live our life and that would be that. Divorce kind of does that to you. It feels like everything you ever dreamed is ruined. And so you stop dreaming. And you just kind of live your life with a smile but an emptiness.
But life is a sneaky sneak. And just when you've made your plans, it nails you with a curve ball.
Nothing in 2013 has gone as planned. I had to quit my job. I had to live off savings. I had to be in class every-other-weekend. I had to listen to some criticism and show up the next day. I had to change my attitude. I had to sit face-to-face with adaptability and flexibility and learn how to live un-anchored.
But that curve ball kept coming: complete with a Boy and his daughter. They just kinda showed up in my life and then we made salsa on Christmas and haven't stopped spending time together since. Sneaky sneak, I tell you. Plans = out the window. And the result has been so beautiful.
I am swimming in grace.
I am steeping in kindness.
I am marinating in love.
I am sharing the practice of life with another.
And it's my favorite.
------
Oh my. I have only written 8 times in 6 months. That may or may not have something to do with grad school.
Or a boy. #SorryI'mNotSorry.
I am way out of practice. Writing has become mostly academic in 2013. I have missed it beaucoups as it has been one of my main forms of processing, coping, healing, venting, etc. It's also something that brings me joy and life and happiness. It does something for my soul. It's cathartic.
So gosh, where do I even start?!
This year has been so many things. It's been full of so many good things. So many hard things.
Tears.
Belly laughs.
Friends.
Bike rides.
Star gazing.
Porch time.
Poems.
Bocce ball.
Conversations.
Fear.
Risk.
Change.
Uncertainty.
Happiness.
Love.
It is a strange thing to read words I wrote nearly two years ago. To hear myself talk about hope and my heart being whole again. To speak the dream of sharing life with someone again. Reading them now, it almost makes me laugh. I don't remember if I really believed the things I said or not. I think I was trying to bring myself comfort; trying to reassure myself that I would be wanted again. I do remember thinking it felt unfair to get a second chance when so many people haven't had their first. I'm pretty sure there was a lot of doubt that anyone would be on that shore thinking I was an alright gal. At least anytime soon. I think I was more concerned with just surviving that hurricane of divorce than with my heart sitting in someone's hands again. I think I thought me, myself, and I were going to just live our life and that would be that. Divorce kind of does that to you. It feels like everything you ever dreamed is ruined. And so you stop dreaming. And you just kind of live your life with a smile but an emptiness.
But life is a sneaky sneak. And just when you've made your plans, it nails you with a curve ball.
Nothing in 2013 has gone as planned. I had to quit my job. I had to live off savings. I had to be in class every-other-weekend. I had to listen to some criticism and show up the next day. I had to change my attitude. I had to sit face-to-face with adaptability and flexibility and learn how to live un-anchored.
But that curve ball kept coming: complete with a Boy and his daughter. They just kinda showed up in my life and then we made salsa on Christmas and haven't stopped spending time together since. Sneaky sneak, I tell you. Plans = out the window. And the result has been so beautiful.
I am swimming in grace.
I am steeping in kindness.
I am marinating in love.
I am sharing the practice of life with another.
And it's my favorite.
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