rough and tumble

It has been a week. One of those weeks. Those weeks where you're just waiting for the next thing because it always comes in threes.

I am exhausted.

Not like Mariah Carey-I-collapsed-and-had-to-be-checked-into-a-hospital-i'm-having-a-nervous-breakdown-Britney Spears-exhausted. Just the regular, "I've-been-running-at-full-speed-with-not-enough-sleep-for-too-many-nights-wearing-my-cranky-pants." I've neglected yoga and haven't been taking care of myself. Not enough nights on a patio with friends. Not enough sunshine and fresh air. Too many worries about other people and their thoughts or behaviors or actions. Too much negativity and heaviness.

Bombs started dropping Sunday. That's not really fair. They're not bombs yet. Right now they're just conversations, thoughts, and processing. My parents have lived apart (different states) for the last 5ish years due to my dad's job. My mom was sharing at Sunday lunch about some things that she's been thinking about and just kind of threw them out for me and my brother to give feedback on. One of those things is possibly moving to be with my dad. We were catching up on things with my brother and his job and there's a possibility that he could also be moving after the new year. Let me say right now, I'm super proud of both my mom and brother and think the possibility of the moves happening is exciting. (Selfishly, because it gives me more cool cities to visit.)

I would be lying if I said I didn't immediately start thinking of how these situations have potential to impact me and my life. It's the "fixer" in me. I want to anticipate change whenever possible so I can figure out how to manage it. I don't mind change that I'm in control of. I don't have a problem with change that's my idea. But when others throw me curve balls and threaten to shake my foundation, I start panicking. "Why are you changing things?" It starts to make me twitch.

Since d-word life started, my mom and brother have been a bigger part of my life. My brother has helped me move furniture, he's taken me out to dinner, he lets me bum his cable for Thunder games, he goes on road trips with me, he calls me and tells me when I need to put my car in the garage because there's going to be hail and tornadoes. We've been pals for as long as I can remember. My mom has picked me up from the airport, helped shuttle me to/from work when my car's in the shop, she makes Sunday lunch every week that she's in town, she'll take me to get a pedicure to catch up, she calls or texts me to see how I'm getting through the week, and she comes to anything I'm involved in and buys something. These peeps are a big part of my support system. When my foundation came apart with everything that happened last year, they quietly filled in the gaps. I'm really grateful for them.

At the lunch table, after everyone aired what was going on in their life, I said, "You've really upset my fruit basket." I was saying that to be funny...but I was also serious. I've had this idea in my mind of how the next 16 months are going to go. I'm going to work, I'm going to finish school, I'm going to complete my internship, I'm going to maintain my friendships, I'm going to keep playing music, I'm going to continue to be independent. Here's how that's going:

Monday, I took a 1/2 day off of work to go down to Norman to have lunch with a friend and interview for a potential internship. Lunch was great and the interview couldn't have gone better. It's my #1 choice and they told me on the spot that they wanted me. I left the interview and ran around to set up my background check and drug test and turn in paperwork they needed. The only thing I was waiting on was to hear from my job what they were going to be able to do. I left knowing I had until Friday to accept/decline the internship. I went to a baseball game that night feeling pretty good, a little overwhelmed with details, but excited that things had gone so well.

Tuesday, I ran more errands on my lunch break. Things were falling into place. Then I got word that my job wasn't going to be able to accommodate my schedule needs for the internship. I said it was fine with a smile on my face and said I knew that was a possibility and thanked them for even considering it. They were sorry. I told them not to be. I made a joke and walked back to my cubicle. And I felt all the wind in my sails slowly leaking out. I went back and forth with myself about expectations and disappointment and how crying at your desk is so last year.  I told myself that this was not the end of the world. I told myself "You is smart. You is kind. You is important." I told myself that we would figure it out and reminded myself, "whatever comes, we shall endure." I pulled myself together, finished the work day, grabbed my stuff and headed to class.

And it just kept going down from there. I had to break-up with the internship on Wednesday and that felt miserable. It's never fun to turn down something you want. And it's even less fun when the person on the other end seems to be just as bummed as you are. We agreed to keep in touch and hope something can work out in the Spring. 

The rest of the pieces that have made this week rough are just annoying and stupid. I got 2 different text messages that were meant for my former spouse. Free advice: Don't marry someone whose name is one letter different than yours. Whether you end up divorced or not, you'll get text messages that weren't meant for you. Sometimes it's funny. Sometimes it stings a little bit. Either way, it's awkward. The next thing just sounds stupid, but Facebook makes me angry. I am not capable of surface friendship. I can't do it. I'm either all-in, or all-out. And being all-in doesn't require Facebook.

I've been processing all these pieces all week in between podcasts and music and spreadsheets and class and some fun too. I have felt myself starting to gasp for air...starting to feel like I'm sinking...starting to panic that there is no wind in my sails. I had the eureka moment today. The major parts of this week (moving, job, internship) all felt like abandonment.  In the panicked moments, it has felt like all the things I was counting on have up and left me. I have heard the echos of 2011. But above those echos, I am hearing another song. I'm still deciphering it, but it sounds like hope. And reassurance. And it sounds solid.



So if you'll excuse me, I've got a fruit basket to put back together. 

Lyric

So if your inner scaffolding feels frail
Just remember God loves mostly those who fail.

--Eef Barzelay, "History"

Excerpt

"...I am remembering my soft parts. The parts of me that deserve all good things. All good people. All good laughter and love and amazing bright skies and warm water and things that make me sigh big long sighs of all things good... I think that it comes from somewhere simple and fantastic like those sewn up soft pieces and the nearly renovated girly bit shop, reminding me that so much good is still in me and it might be time to start sharing it again." - Dani Burlison

(Taken from this article.)

Quote

"I tell you loneliness is the thing to master. Courage and fear, love, death are only parts of it and can easily be ruled afterwards. If I make myself master my own loneliness there will be peace or safety: and perhaps these are the same." - Martha Gellhorn

Quote

“Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, and it is yours.” –Ayn Rand