rough and tumble

It has been a week. One of those weeks. Those weeks where you're just waiting for the next thing because it always comes in threes.

I am exhausted.

Not like Mariah Carey-I-collapsed-and-had-to-be-checked-into-a-hospital-i'm-having-a-nervous-breakdown-Britney Spears-exhausted. Just the regular, "I've-been-running-at-full-speed-with-not-enough-sleep-for-too-many-nights-wearing-my-cranky-pants." I've neglected yoga and haven't been taking care of myself. Not enough nights on a patio with friends. Not enough sunshine and fresh air. Too many worries about other people and their thoughts or behaviors or actions. Too much negativity and heaviness.

Bombs started dropping Sunday. That's not really fair. They're not bombs yet. Right now they're just conversations, thoughts, and processing. My parents have lived apart (different states) for the last 5ish years due to my dad's job. My mom was sharing at Sunday lunch about some things that she's been thinking about and just kind of threw them out for me and my brother to give feedback on. One of those things is possibly moving to be with my dad. We were catching up on things with my brother and his job and there's a possibility that he could also be moving after the new year. Let me say right now, I'm super proud of both my mom and brother and think the possibility of the moves happening is exciting. (Selfishly, because it gives me more cool cities to visit.)

I would be lying if I said I didn't immediately start thinking of how these situations have potential to impact me and my life. It's the "fixer" in me. I want to anticipate change whenever possible so I can figure out how to manage it. I don't mind change that I'm in control of. I don't have a problem with change that's my idea. But when others throw me curve balls and threaten to shake my foundation, I start panicking. "Why are you changing things?" It starts to make me twitch.

Since d-word life started, my mom and brother have been a bigger part of my life. My brother has helped me move furniture, he's taken me out to dinner, he lets me bum his cable for Thunder games, he goes on road trips with me, he calls me and tells me when I need to put my car in the garage because there's going to be hail and tornadoes. We've been pals for as long as I can remember. My mom has picked me up from the airport, helped shuttle me to/from work when my car's in the shop, she makes Sunday lunch every week that she's in town, she'll take me to get a pedicure to catch up, she calls or texts me to see how I'm getting through the week, and she comes to anything I'm involved in and buys something. These peeps are a big part of my support system. When my foundation came apart with everything that happened last year, they quietly filled in the gaps. I'm really grateful for them.

At the lunch table, after everyone aired what was going on in their life, I said, "You've really upset my fruit basket." I was saying that to be funny...but I was also serious. I've had this idea in my mind of how the next 16 months are going to go. I'm going to work, I'm going to finish school, I'm going to complete my internship, I'm going to maintain my friendships, I'm going to keep playing music, I'm going to continue to be independent. Here's how that's going:

Monday, I took a 1/2 day off of work to go down to Norman to have lunch with a friend and interview for a potential internship. Lunch was great and the interview couldn't have gone better. It's my #1 choice and they told me on the spot that they wanted me. I left the interview and ran around to set up my background check and drug test and turn in paperwork they needed. The only thing I was waiting on was to hear from my job what they were going to be able to do. I left knowing I had until Friday to accept/decline the internship. I went to a baseball game that night feeling pretty good, a little overwhelmed with details, but excited that things had gone so well.

Tuesday, I ran more errands on my lunch break. Things were falling into place. Then I got word that my job wasn't going to be able to accommodate my schedule needs for the internship. I said it was fine with a smile on my face and said I knew that was a possibility and thanked them for even considering it. They were sorry. I told them not to be. I made a joke and walked back to my cubicle. And I felt all the wind in my sails slowly leaking out. I went back and forth with myself about expectations and disappointment and how crying at your desk is so last year.  I told myself that this was not the end of the world. I told myself "You is smart. You is kind. You is important." I told myself that we would figure it out and reminded myself, "whatever comes, we shall endure." I pulled myself together, finished the work day, grabbed my stuff and headed to class.

And it just kept going down from there. I had to break-up with the internship on Wednesday and that felt miserable. It's never fun to turn down something you want. And it's even less fun when the person on the other end seems to be just as bummed as you are. We agreed to keep in touch and hope something can work out in the Spring. 

The rest of the pieces that have made this week rough are just annoying and stupid. I got 2 different text messages that were meant for my former spouse. Free advice: Don't marry someone whose name is one letter different than yours. Whether you end up divorced or not, you'll get text messages that weren't meant for you. Sometimes it's funny. Sometimes it stings a little bit. Either way, it's awkward. The next thing just sounds stupid, but Facebook makes me angry. I am not capable of surface friendship. I can't do it. I'm either all-in, or all-out. And being all-in doesn't require Facebook.

I've been processing all these pieces all week in between podcasts and music and spreadsheets and class and some fun too. I have felt myself starting to gasp for air...starting to feel like I'm sinking...starting to panic that there is no wind in my sails. I had the eureka moment today. The major parts of this week (moving, job, internship) all felt like abandonment.  In the panicked moments, it has felt like all the things I was counting on have up and left me. I have heard the echos of 2011. But above those echos, I am hearing another song. I'm still deciphering it, but it sounds like hope. And reassurance. And it sounds solid.



So if you'll excuse me, I've got a fruit basket to put back together. 

Lyric

So if your inner scaffolding feels frail
Just remember God loves mostly those who fail.

--Eef Barzelay, "History"

Excerpt

"...I am remembering my soft parts. The parts of me that deserve all good things. All good people. All good laughter and love and amazing bright skies and warm water and things that make me sigh big long sighs of all things good... I think that it comes from somewhere simple and fantastic like those sewn up soft pieces and the nearly renovated girly bit shop, reminding me that so much good is still in me and it might be time to start sharing it again." - Dani Burlison

(Taken from this article.)

Quote

"I tell you loneliness is the thing to master. Courage and fear, love, death are only parts of it and can easily be ruled afterwards. If I make myself master my own loneliness there will be peace or safety: and perhaps these are the same." - Martha Gellhorn

Quote

“Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, and it is yours.” –Ayn Rand

Gentleman

I had a great vacation...including the bonus 6 hours I am spending in the Baltimore Airport. I think I'm still being taught to embrace solitude. Honestly, that's getting frustrating. I want to just look up at the sky and be like, "I get it. I'm workin' on it." It's been so nice to get a weekend of sleep, security, and sharing life with people I don't get to see very often.

I've got to brag on my friend's husbands/boyfriends for a minute. My friends are obviously awesome on their own and therefore married well. But their partner isn't just awesome to them, they're awesome to me. Since I became a d-word there's been multiple times that these guys have stepped in or stepped up to help me out. This weekend, my friend Emily's husband Tyler met me at my Metro stop and rolled my suitcase to their condo for me. Then he took me out for a drink and food while we waited for Emily to get off work. And he wouldn't let me pay. Because he's a gentleman like that. Then today, Hannah's boyfriend Stuart bought my lunch. Because I was their guest. Because he's a gentleman like that. And Ashley's husband Brandon is staying up past his bedtime to pick me up from my flight...which has been delayed 4.5 hours. Because he's a gentleman like that.

I appreciate these guys and the many more like them out there who are keeping the word gentleman alive.

Stream of consciousness: traveling

- I am taking my smallest suitcase with ROOM TO SPARE. This has never happened.

- The only "extra" things I put in my smallish purse (carry-on) is two books and a journal, a banana, some nuts and granola. If you consider that I normally bring my computer, some magazines, some books, and other "in case you get bored" items, this is a major improvement.

- People who don't pay attention in the check-in line or in security frustrate me to no end. I straight line-jumped a lady after showing her 3 screens were available and she just fumbled around. #aintnobodygottimefodat

- Nervous grandmas traveling with their kids or grandkids make me crazy.

- I love finding the few people reading a real newspaper. They almost always have a moustache. (women included)

- It's probably not fair to observe parenting styles in an airport...but I do it anyway.

- I'm getting used to this traveling alone thing. But it doesn't mean I'm any less excited about having a traveling companion someday.

- I decided to wear a dress to fly today. Nothing fancy, but I feel fancy. Like the old days when people dressed up to travel. Don't worry, no heels.

- I appreciate any ticket agent at the gate who does stand-up comedy while we board. I would so go Kristin Wigg at that job.

Quote

"Sometimes the worst thing that happens to you, the thing you think you can't survive...it's the thing that makes you better than you used to be." ---Jennifer Weiner, "Fly Away Home"

PS: this is me minus the needlepoint

(source)

If I could, I would buy this house with everything in it, minus 1/2 the needlepoint stuff.

Tons of white, the couch, the dining table and chairs, their bed!, the light fixtures, the kitchen and even the blasted DIY wallpaper.

In. Love.

That'll do it

If you are looking to make me instantly sad, then play me a song with a steel guitar coming in at the right moment on a slow song.

See "Pony" by Sara Watkins for an example.

Specifically when it comes in for the instrumental chorus, I get carried away on a cloud and feel sad.

Just in case you were wondering, that'll do it.

*This post brought to you by melancholy music, not actual sad circumstances.

Halfway

-I'm 18 weeks into school, about to start my last class of this semester.

-By the end of the year, I will become an aunt by proxy to approximately 5 more babies in my friend circle. And there will be 2 more by the beginning of February.

-I am about to go on my yearly voyage to DC to visit some of my dear friends who have lived far away for far too long.

- I have seen some amazing music and get to experience at least 2 more amazing shows by fall. (Brandi Carlile and The Head And The Heart.)

- I am loving life right now. I feel solid and grounded and happy. The new people who have been woven into my life this year have been right on time. And the older strands have been refreshed and come to life again.

I feel like my life is in technicolor and I can vividly see all the beauty that the last year has given my life. I honestly wouldn't change a thing.

how'd you do that?

Since becoming a d-word, several people have asked questions or made comments regarding how I've been able to handle the whole d-word situation. It's not an easy question to answer. Most of the time, I ask myself the same thing! How did I do it? How did I get here? So I spent the last week or so processing some of the big things that happened to get to me where I am today. Please see below if you're interested. *Disclaimer: This is not meant to be a humble-brag. I am not saying I'm an expert or well-versed in d-word aftermath management. This is just what popped out to me over the last year. So take the pinch of salt and throw it over your shoulder as you digest.


Top 3 things you need:
1)  A good therapist. Therapy has been a hugely influential part of my life over the last 8 years. I don't know how people navigate the chaos and confusion of life without a counselor. I can't begin to tell you all the things I've gained from therapy over the last year alone, but I know I wouldn't feel as free and whole and healed as I do today if I hadn't started the journey of recovery in therapy over a year ago.
2)  A supportive community of people. This took several different forms over the last year. I participated in a Divorce Care support group for close to 6 months. While it was cheesy and a little too "this is God's plan" for my taste, for a while it was the only place I felt safe to breathe deeply. I have many friends who towed the line of friendship and I am beyond grateful for them sticking around and working through all this with me.
3) New friends. Simple. You need a couple of new friends who don’t know you, don’t know your former spouse or family. You need at least one area of your life where you can have anonymity again. This became my respite. This was especially crucial for the days I didn't want to have to answer the question "how are you doing?" with the sad puppy dog eyes from those around me. I have met some incredible people over the last year and I'm so glad they are part of my life. They picked up right where I needed them to and that was usually with some laughs, some time around the table, and a patio in the evening. (*These people did not replace my "old" friends. They were simply added to the fold.)

Helpful reminders for the day-to-day:
 
-Choose to heal. You are worth it. (This is actually really hard. You have to constantly be checking yourself to be sure you're running the marathon and not the relay. And as a non-runner, I can tell you, every mile was its own individual struggle.)

-Acknowledge your feelings. Let days be hard. Let days be angry. Let days be sad or lonely. But let them be easy, and happy, and enjoyable too. However you wake up feeling that day-- go with it. You’re a human being and you were given the ability to feel a spectrum of emotions. Explore them. Embrace them. Acknowledge them and give the next day a chance to be something different.

-There’s a difference between grieving and mourning. Grieving acknowledges what’s happened, processes it, deals with it, allows the scab to form and the scar to develop. Mourning camps on the land of victims. Don’t get stuck. Don’t pitch a tent. Grieve. And fully grieve.

-Cocoon yourself in music. Let words rattle in your bones and ring out in your soul. You might be surprised how many songs out there sound like they were written just for you. But don’t just wrap yourself in sadness and loneliness and grief. Listen to music that makes you happy. That makes you angry. That makes you roll the windows down and scream. And most importantly, listen to something that allows you to let go. Let yourself move. DANCE.

-Raise an Ebeneezer. Do something that you can look back on and see how far you’ve come. For me, I had a burn party on my wedding anniversary about 6 weeks after my divorce was final. I gathered some close friends and we stood in a circle and threw poppers and vented about the whole situation. It was important to involve others in this process. Divorce ripples out and affects the make-up of the whole pond of people around you. They need to grieve too. We burned a few pictures, a couple of letters,  some words on paper, and a tshirt. It was a blast. A year later (this year) I had a rock throwing ceremony. At my wedding, we had people sign rocks instead of a guestbook. Some friends sailed me out to the middle of Lake Hefner and we threw them in the water. I hurled some. I let some slowly drop off my hand. I skipped some on the surface of the water. Those two Ebeneezers signify my process of forgiveness and letting go. Last year, I started the process. This year, I finished it. “Forgiveness is setting down the load, never to pick it up again.” –said someone famous. This is hard, but it’s so much easier to just let it go and get some miles in your rear-view mirror. *It should be noted that I am extremely sentimental. I realize not everyone is. 

 -Ask for patience and grace. But know that typically when you ask for things like that, you’re given opportunities to practice being patient and graceful. And it’s hard. But that’s why we practice. To get better at it.

“The best revenge is a life well lived.” –Chloe Neill  I love this. It’s easy to get caught up in the anger and bitterness and frustration of your situation. It’s easy to want to get back at the other person for what they’ve done to you. At the end of the day, it’s done. It’s in the past. Don’t waste your time and energy. Instead, pour that time and energy into you and your life and your future. Get rid of cable, get outside, invest in yourself and those around you.



God is faithful. He really does find a way to work all things together for good. I know this because he's taken the dust and ashes of my life and made them into something beautiful.

Quote

"The other side of uncertainty is opportunity." --Jonathan Fields

supposed to be

I'm supposed to be somewhere else right now. An ocean away. In a place I've been wanting to go for nearly 10 years. Ireland. I'm supposed to be renewing my vows.

But I'm not. I'm here. And the only vows I'm renewing are ones to myself. I've made it through a day that marks beginnings and endings, light and darkness, "death" and life.

I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling, but I'm feeling really grateful. Grateful this day even happened at all 5 years ago. Grateful for all the days that have occurred between May 26th, 2007 and May 26, 2012. Grateful for all the lives weaved in and out of my story in these 1,826 days. Grateful for the life I shared with another and the life that no longer exists. Grateful that someone very wise told me, "Choose to heal. You're worth it."

"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good." (romans 8:26-28)

Tried

I tried and lost at something tonight. I took a risk. It was nerve-racking, but I did it and while it didn't play out---I'm happy to have given it a shot.

Facing fears and learning... That's what I'm up to these days.

Quote

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." - C.S. Lewis

This is a photo of Gregory Alan Isakov singing my favorite song, "If I Go, I'm Goin" at the Blue Door. Amazing show. Catch him on the road if you have the chance.

What I Know

Faithfulness exists.
Grace is limitless.
Goodness will always win out.
Light overcomes darkness.

Quote

"I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become." --Carl Jung

"You choose who you are." --LuAnn Johnson

Mushy

There are some days that I wonder if I'll ever recover the pieces of my heart that are still broken and missing.

I wonder if your heart reshapes itself and learns to love in a different way because it can't ever love the same again. Because the original pieces will never all be back in one place.

I'm feeling those missing pieces today. My heartbeat is out of sync. It feels like it is still inside another person. A person who doesn't exist. Who isn't here. Who still has a few of my pieces.

This moving on, healing, forgiveness thing is not for the faint of heart. It's for marathon runners. It's for Olympic athletes. And today I feel like the water-boy; the 7th alternate for the pole-vaulting team.

This is hard. I'm letting it be hard today. Tomorrow I may be running a half-marathon. Or practicing for my Olympic debut. You never know with this crazy d-word journey.

17 Years in 5 months

      Ira Glass is the host of the popular radio show This American Life on NPR. I sit at a desk for 9 hours a day at my job. I do repetitive tasks with spreadsheets and if you haven’t fallen asleep just reading that, you can imagine that I get very bored. I’ve gotten sucked into the world of podcasts and got hooked on This American Life. So hooked in fact that I paid for their iPhone app that holds every radio show from 1995 to the present. At the end of 2012, that will be around 884 shows. Within the next month, I will finish the last 2 years (1997-1995.) That will be just over 830 shows.
      Because I listen to about 7 hours of TAL a day, I’ve gotten to know a lot about the regular contributors to the show. Specifically, I’ve gotten to know a lot about the host, Ira Glass. Part of that is because he shares a lot about himself on the show, but I also google him several times a week. I can’t help it. I’m obsessed with him. He’s one of the best interviewers I’ve ever heard. He makes everything interesting. He conveys a genuine sense of care to anyone he talks to and he always wants to know more. I think that’s what intrigues me the most. I feel like he’s already very intelligent and yet every show he’s eager to share with his listeners the newest nuggets of information he’s gathered. He has a strange voice, he wears huge glasses, and has the dorkiest laugh. He also uses the same script for every show. Every show starts the same. “From WBEZ Chicago, it’s This American Life, I’m Ira Glass. Each week we choose a topic or theme and bring you a variety of stories about that theme. Our show this week, (title). Over the course of the next hour we will explore this topic using ________ acts. Act One, (title.) Act Two, (title.) and Act Three (title.) Our first story is by, (contributor.)  Act One, (title.) Here is, (contributor.) ”  Trust me. I’ve listened to the show over 700 times. I love the consistency. I love everything about the way the show is put together week after week. It’s pure gold.
      I started with 2012 and worked backwards. It has been hilarious to listen to the de-evolution of technology. I remember listening to a show from 1998 and in Ira’s closing statements he says, “If you’d like to purchase a cassette tape of this broadcast you can write us at WBEZ....” I cracked up in my cubical. Cassette tapes?! People were WRITING the show to purchase a CASSETTE tape?
      Another funny moment from this last week, Ira interviewed a woman about email. They were going back and forth about AOL and that little, “You’ve Got Mail” person. I was dying laughing. This lady was so overjoyed.
      I’d encourage you to give TAL a shot. I think you just might fall in love with Ira Glass too.

Favorite Episodes (in no particular order):
#454: Mr. Daisy and the Apple Factory  (follow up with #460: Retraction)
#449: Middle School
#111: Adventures in the Simple Life
#109: Notes on Camp
#90: Telephone
#370: Ruining it for the Rest of Us
#393: Infidelity (Act II, especially)