don't fence me in...

Okay, so I'm riding in the car with my mom the other day and I noticed this house on the corner of 50th and Grove doesn't have a fence. Those of you that know me even a little bit know that I'm a scared-e-cat, paranoid, whatever. I've had a fear since I was little of someone breaking into my house....and of a house fire...and of being shot at. Wow, tangent, ANYWAY! So when I saw the house with no fence I was like "WHOA! I would not be able to sleep at night without a fence!" Then I kind of called myself out because I grew up my entire life with a chain-link fence which is basically...let's be real...invisible. I mean, it divides backyards I guess, but it doesn't really keep anyone out. While the chain-link it's really stylish...I like being able to see if my neighbors were outside, what they were doing, be able to pseudo-pet their dog,and be able to easily hop over it to get the softball we hit into their yard.

Now, I never grew up with the wooden fence so obviously I'm speaking into something with which I have had little or no personal perspective or experience. The little experience I have had with them...I think they make a yard look and feel smaller. And for some reason, they seem to be the ones always falling over in the great wind storms of the mid-west. They are more aesthetically pleasing-I will give you that. I don't know...I just feel so closed in with them.

Regardless of which you have or grew up with...unless you're putting Master locks on your gates, friendly wanderers can still pass through your backyard...fence or no fence. Personally, I think I'm going to take an older house with a chain link fence so I can see my neighbors and pretend to share one big backyard instead of have a new home, not know my neighbors, and feel like I have a tiny yard and can't breathe in mine.

What do you think?

OMG

I have like 14 posts in my head...so many things that I want to blog about. Here's just an overview.

i've been thinking about fences and why we have them and the difference between chain link and wood plank fences...And then I saw this amazing episode of Anthony Bourdain in Laos and he sits down with a man who's lost his leg and arm to mines that are still in Laos from the Vietnam war,close to 3.5 million are still unaccounted for...and then I've been thinking about the irony of Shannon's blog regarding the G8 conference and the 6 & 8 course meals served to those in attendance while talking about world hunger and poverty....the most recent episode of "30 Days" where Morgan Spurlock spent (duh) 30 days on an Navaho Indian reservation and the injustice that the government is doing to them...

ps-I felt really good yesterday. (Not so much today, but still)

pss-day 5 with no focal motor seizures (May my new meds really are bomb!)

oh it gets better

July 3rd
So I started my new meds on Monday night...didn't really notice any new side effects till today. My taste buds are jacked. I got a DP at lunch and I would've bet you $100 that someone had poured a salt shaker into it. So when I got home, I looked up my new med side effects...indeed it's true. Taste changes! !@#*(@#! Supposedly it's only supposed to last for the first few weeks or so. And no worries, since I'm on TWO medications at the same time I'm only TWICE as tired. So I'm basically flat-lined most each day. For someone who was super active to not very active I have now become...almost non existent active. This is the most annoying time in my life.

July 4th
Today I saved up energy by laying around and watching tv. I do so enjoy fireworks. But you have no idea what fireworks can be like on 2 seizure medications and a benedryl while being slightly dizzy standing atop a parking garage dodging lit cigarette butts and spitting. It was a truly joyous occasion. Love all of you who were present. However, my night was ruined when I had another dang focal motor seizure after a 3 day free streak. OH, and then I either broke or severely sprained my right pinky toe when I ran into Carl's bag on the floor by the bed last night after I turned the light off to get into bed. It's black and blue and swollen. haha!

July 5th
So spent today...exhausted. Really bummed because I've been looking forward to today because it's one of my friend's weddings. At the least I was planning on making the wedding, signing the book, and skipping the rest. No such luck. That's the most annoying part of this brain lesion...I never can really make plans. I make plans and hope to keep them, but a lot recently I've had to cancel because I just don't have the energy or ability to do it. If I don't cancel, then I have to crash on a couch or a bed for at least a little while to re-charge my batteries.

PS- You should go see WALL.E...it's pretty fantastic. And it's a fairly quiet movie so if you get overstimulated easily like me-it's perfect!

Hopefully you enjoyed some loud patriotic music with some cutoff American flag t-shirts and crying babies. God Bless America.

dvr

There is no point to a DVR if you're home to actually watch your shows in real time. People, I'm running low on energy. The television is all I have. I look forward to my shows, okay? Right now i have to wait 8 more minutes until "Shear Genius" starts...which the DVR is set to record but I have nothing else to do so I might as well watch right?


Cox Communications: You owe me $5.




Oh, and another show you should check out (if i haven't mentioned it yet) Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations. It's on the Travel Channel at various times on most every day of the week. Where can I apply for his job? Travel (check), Eat, (check), Critique, (check), all while my TV crew follows me...yea, I could do that.

what you're missing

Obviously, all but one of you haven't taken my advice about Flipping Out because I haven't been receiving any hilarious quotes from anyone. Come on people! Here's a taste of what you've been missing from Jeff Lewis.

LAST WEEK
"I think your birthday is conflicting with my schedule...can't we just postpone it a week?" -Jeff

"What I'm concerned about is her learning the law and her rights...and Zoila's becoming dangerous." -Jeff

"Are you no bite me Jeff?"-Zoila

"I look so ugly! Thank you so much! It's so ugly." -Zoila


THIS WEEK
"We're yelling at each other, we're screaming, we're firing....I think that's what a work environment should be." -Jeff

"I think that was an over-reaction on Jeff's part. As an employer I think he overreacts to try to strike fear into the hearts of his employees." -Chris Elwood

"Rather than make that personal phone call, he could've pulled over and written that *beep* down. " -Jeff

"And what about the voice changer, like just for fun, how much is that?"-Jeff



Set your DVR's now for next week's episode. Tuesday, 9pm, Bravo.

Awesome = Awesome

So I must have picked up telepathy or something because Dr. New Guy is AWESOME!

I saw him this morning. His office is BOMB. No nurse here, he himself called me from the waiting room. How COOL! We passed his SIGNED Chicago Cubs baseball poster and I knew it was fate. He spent 45 minutes doing an evaluation and talking with me about what's been going on. He even READ my packet and looked at my test results. What a knight!

So, he ordered an MRI with contrast to see if my brain blood vessels are causing the problem on my right side. He changed my meds so I'll be transitioning to Topomax from Keppra over the next month. Finally! Love you Dr. New Awesome Guy!

MRI Wednesday at 1:45pm.
New Meds.
Come back August 4th.

Booyah!

lovey

My bomb husband is in Portland, Oregon with the teens doing a mission trip. They've paid their dues and now get to chill downtown and enjoy the coast. I'm jealous and hate that this couch is where I am and will continue to be for now.

Miss you love.

updaty!

Dr. Awesome's office called this morning and can get me in on MONDAY!!!

I see them at 9am, BOOYAH.

Grow up

What do you want to do when you grow up?

I asked an 8 year old last night and she said "a dermatologist" and she's going to OU and she's going to be a Tri-Delt and the president of the sorority.

Dang. Why can't I have such clarity?


I'm reading "Let Your Life Speak" by Parker Palmer. (Thank you Kendra) and it's a great book and exactly what I need to be hearing right now. Pick it up...

drs. are corrupt

I got my "complete" medical record from Dr. Idiot today. Which included the packet I had given him on my last appointment (which he didn't read) 2 written reports, and a letter stating that he understood I no longer want to be a patient of his so he is therefore discharging me from his clinic. Yo Doc, I discharged myself last Thursday!!!

Too bad his reports written regarding my appointments included false information.

WHAT A CROC!

Oh, and this was his closing line from his letter to the ER doc that referred me to Dr. Idiot. "Thank you for sending me such an interesting patient."


This guy will be hearing from me.

no fun anymore

What's not fun:
-being driven everywhere
-sitting/laying/lounging on the couch
-having involuntary movements on my right side
-waiting for the doctor to call
-people only asking me "how are you doing/feeling?" and wanting to say "next question"
-the Red Box
-being tired
-flip flops, sweat pants, and t-shirts
-neighbor lady moving out and being really loud about it

What is fun:
-the Olympic Trials
-seeing my husband all the time
-critiquing television shows like I'm a really important person
-i found newspaper today so I can start painting again



What's your favorite color?

Dr. Idiot, Dr. New Guy, and Dr. Awesome

I went to my GP (Dr. Awesome) today with my Mom. Turns out I have a sinus infection so I'll be starting antibiotics today. We talked about my seizure situation, my experience with Doc. Idiot and talked about the new Neuro (Dr. New Guy) I'm set up with. My GP knows Dr. New Guy and said he is great and highly recommended him. So we feel really good about that and also feel good that Dr. Awesome believes my concerns are warranted, but aren't severe enough to warrant an emergency appointment. I am on the cancel list with my new guy so there's a chance I could get in before my real appointment on July 10th.

For those of you who thought we would take Dr. Idiot's lame explanation lying down, you can forget it. We requested my complete medical record, cancelled all my testing and all future appointments and said "we will not be back." PEACE OUT Dr. Idiot and your stupid psychological testing! Oh and then I slandered his name for 2 hours on every website where I could rate/review Dr. Idiot. I felt really good after that.

In sleep news, we got our first night of restful uninterrupted sleep! It felt GREAT and I feel pretty good today, even after an outing to Dr. Awesome. PROGRESS!

We're remaining hopeful that we'll get this all figured out! Thanks for all your help and suggestions in the last few posts. They've been very helpful and have brought us peace and comfort.

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Okay, TV news real quick, these are the best shows you're probably not watching:
Anthony Bourdaine: No Reservations (Travel Channel) -this is on every day
Black Gold (TNT or TruTv) -Wednesdays nights
Flipping Out (Bravo) *but you should already know about this show! -Tuesdays at 9pm
30 Days (FX) -Tuesdays at 9pm
How It's Made (Discovery)-every day at 11am, 11:30am, 6pm, 6:30pm.

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Edit: Those who saw the original post and comments,

I think the issue was misunderstood and blown out of proportion. I think what could have been a good adult conversation turned into name calling and judging based on chosen vocabulary words. For those reasons, I've edited my post and deleted all comments. Hopefully next time a fair and respectful conversation can occur. And I sincerely apologize to those who were offended by my using "gay" as a descriptor of quality.

It must not be hard to get a medical license...

Well...we're done with my current Neurologist. I will be on the phone in the AM begging for my second opinion to be moved up to ASAP. Carl and I went with our guns loaded, complete with my full medical history, a seizure diary from the last 5 weeks, an evaluation from the Keppra website regarding my side effects and reaction to the meds, a calendar detailing how I've felt and all medication I've taken in the last 5 weeks, a form from my employer for him to sign...amounting to about 12-15 pages. 45 minutes after our scheduled appointment, we finally got called. My blood pressure was 110/70, my heart rate was 100 (i know...I was nervous.) Doctor comes in and sits down and says "So how have you been doing since I saw you last?" And I'm kind of shocked because I've called him twice, I requested my appointment be moved up because I've been having more frequent partial seizures, do you not remember any of this?! So we start explaining what it's been like and acts like he didn't know any of the information...which I had already told him! I talk about my right side being affected and the side effects and I keep referring to the diary I've kept of symptoms and what's happened when and he doesn't look at even one page. He asks me if I've had stress as a child or trauma, I say no, he asks if I've ever seen a counselor before, I say yes, I describe when, he starts interrogating me about why I sought a counselor. I stated because it was free in college and I was encouraged to participate in it, and I developed a friendship with my counselor and it progressed over 3 years. He kept asking what problem/issue I had to start going. And I said I didn't and he would not believe that I went to counseling for no problematic reason. I stated "well that's your opinion and I don't agree." and he answered "that's everyone's opinion." WHAAAAAAAT?!!?! So somehow, we get around to him recommending that I have psychological testing because my "episodes" could be "conversion" which is where a person internalizes problems/issues and it manifests itself in physical reactions or outbursts. I think it is pretty ridiculous for everything I have and am experiencing to be chalked up to psychological issues. So in the beginning of the appointment I was having seizures...and by the end, I have psychological issues. So, when checking out we requested my medical records and requested my further testing be held off for at least 2 weeks so that I can get a second opinion.

I have never felt so illegitimate, so offended, so overlooked, and overwhelmed that a medical professional...who's specialty is people's brains...could treat me, a patient, with such disrespect and show no concern for the fact that my right side feels dead and out of control.

So, I'll be calling my other Neuro in the AM to move up my appointment. Luckily I kept copies of everything I gave the doc so I can pass it on to someone who will READ IT, and hopefully we'll get some answers to this nonsense! We are super frustrated and disappointed that today didn't go better.

doctor doctor, give me some news

Faithful Followers of my Blog:

We go back to the Neuro tomorrow. We're packed and loaded with lots of papers, research, and questions to attack him with as soon as he opens the door. :) Sort of kidding...

Things have stabilized a little...but we do feel that my condition has definitely worsened, especially since the upped dosage in meds. As frustrated as we are, we are anxious for answers and solutions to whatever it is that's going on. From speaking with family and friends, the consensus is that everyone is concerned and believes that something bigger is going on that just me having a freak seizure. It's hard to trust a doctor you don't like, especially when you're being told that something doesn't sound quite right with your treatment. I never threw a fit when my pediatrician (who I definitely saw until I was 22) went through the motions and wrote me the beloved Amoxicillin prescription for my ear infections, sinus infections, etc. But people, we are talking about my brain here, not my ears. I would like to think that if I were a neurologist, I would take my job so seriously that I would limit my number of patients, surgeries, etc so that I had time to research, analyze, and be nearly 100% sure that what I was telling my patients was reliable information. Now, there's a reason I'm not a doctor, especially a neurologist, so I know I can't really speak into something I have no frame of reference for, but...I really want to believe that there are doctors out there that really care for people and the illnesses that ale them. But I may also know better.

On a lighter note, a friend suggested I start a TV critic blog since I'm watching so much TV these days and have an increased knowledge about shows, commercials, etc. I may not start a new one, but I may start sharing my expert opinions on this blog. I'm sure you'll be looking forward to that. One of my FAVORITE shows started last night, "Flipping Out." Jeff Lewis is a real-estate investor with a major case of OCD. The show is hilarious because he has extreme expectations and requests. This is a tribute to Jason Smith: "I want to change my drink order…Ideally 70% lemonade, 20% punch, 10% Sprite. If they don’t have fruit punch, do like 85% lemonade and 15% sprite. If they don’t have lemonade, do 85% punch and 15% sprite…or 7-Up." The show is on Tuesdays at 9pm on Bravo (67 for those of you with Cox Cable.) It started last night, but you can catch that episode on Tuesday at 8pm if you want to be caught up for the new one at 9pm. People, laughter can add up to 8 years to your life. This show will help you meet your quota. If not, I'll give you your money back.

oh it's all the same

Well, I've had 2 more of the partial seizures...yesterday and today. I'm still having a lot of tingling and flash numbness and feeling weird on the right side. My doctor's going to get an earful from me in the morning. I'm tired of feeling this way and there has to be something else they can do besides allow me to feel the way I feel. So I'll be trading my $50/medication for potentially some more expensive medication to make me feel crazy and nuts. It's hard to believe it's already been 5 weeks...it's gone by fast.

Oh and I have a sunburn from my lovely time in the sun yesterday...during which I wore 50spf and spent a gay $9 on Coppertone continuous spray sunscreen only to have it give a neon pink stripe on my right leg, neon pink shoulders and back. Love it.

In other news, Ice Road Truckers, season 2 on the History channel started again and I got to catch up tonight. Booyah!

sleepy sleep

We finally had a night of restful sleep...and feel fairly good today. Hooray! Small victories!

job meeting results

We met with my supervisor and the county director today. We've agreed on leave without pay from now through July 7th (my next appointment) and I can apply for a longer period of leave if necessary at that time. In the meantime, we will be seeking a second opinion from another Neurologist and hoping to get my medication under control. We talked about jobs available for me in the future and got the information we needed to help make our decision when it is time. Our issue now is making sure my benefits continue while I'm on leave so that I can continue to get my medication and doctor visits without us spending a small fortune. Thanks for your prayers and support during this uncertain time! We moved back to our apartment last night and endured our first night back since the seizure. We didn't get tons of sleep, but it went better than expected. Keep us in your prayers, there's a lot of decisions to come in the coming weeks and months. We are hopeful that each day will continue to get a little easier as time unfolds.

more updates

Well, last night I had 2 focal motor seizures which are simple partial seizures with localized motor activity. Basically, my right arm moves about freely for 10-15 seconds without my control. This is not new...I've experienced it for 10-12 years of my life but didn't know it was a type of seizure. We discovered it was in the ER when I explained what had happened over the course of my life and the doctor said "that's a type of seizure." Cool. So, my medication was supposed to take it down from 90% to 5%. Well apparently I'm part of the 5%. I spoke with my Neurologist again this morning and he's having me take an additional dose to see if that helps. He stated I could move up to as much as 1000mg/ 3x a day. Right now I'm at 500mg/3x a day.

In other news, I meet with my supervisor and others on Monday at 3pm to figure out my work situation. Please pray that this will go smoothly and they will be super understanding of our situation and willing to be flexible while we get these seizures under control. Carl will be going with me.

Keep us in your thoughts. Each day has brought a new challenge and we are getting weary. We love you and appreciate your care and grace to us.

test results: (drumroll)

Well in a less than 3 minute conversation with my Neurologist, he told me that the EEG and MRI showed my brain to be normal and showed no abnormal activity. SO! I'll be maintaining my medication until July 7th when I go back for a re-evaluation with the Neurologist.

This was a pretty frustrating phone call for many reasons but mainly because we didn't get much information and have to move forward hoping that we don't have to go through this again. I'll be meeting with my Supervisor probably next week sometime to talk about the future of my job. Hopefully we'll reach a happy medium on what my job will need to look like in order for me to continue and the timeline for when that will be.

I'm still settling into the medication which could take up to a month for me to adjust. Thanks so much for your prayers and we continue to covet them as the future is just as uncertain and we are continuing to make adjustments to this "new normal."

Bummer in the Summer. Literally.

OETA is public television's best shot at the Discovery Channel. Except it sure repeats a lot. And it has Reading Rainbow instead of Deadliest Catch.

I look forward to the summer so that my skin can soak up the sun...except that I have so little energy that by the time I put my swimsuit on, I need a nap. So I tried that lotion that fools people. Well it's made me nauseous all morning.

Well...my bomb husband is picking me up for a field trip to our apartment so I can watch cable tv for the afternoon. Yesssssss!

No test results yet...still waiting for my phone to ring.

bye.

tests complete

Oh man! Why is it always hard to stay up when you don't want to? Carl and I made it through our sleep deprived night to prepare for the tests this morning. It was about 2:30am when we went to bed and about 5:30am when we got up. We took our sweet time showering, getting ready, and headed to Bev's for some pancakes around 6:30am. We ate breakfast and laughed for entirely no reason. Then we walked to Starbucks so Carl could have some coffee to wake up. On the way back to the car I said in some ridiculous voice "I'm wearing a Pike's Place tshirt and you're wearing a Pike's Place coffee!" Obviously I messed up wearing and holding. This was followed by messing up other words and laughing hysterically for absolutely no reason throughout the morning. When I laid down for my mid-morning rest between tests, I looked at Carl and started the quiet shake laugh for a good few minutes until I finally caught my breath.

Soooooo, the tests. The EEG was rediculous. I looked like Albert Einstein I'm sure when they got all the electrodes hooked up to my head. They had me hyperventilate for 3 minutes (controlled breathing hyperventilation) which made me cold and tingly and dizzy. Then I had to lay perfectly still for 10 minutes with my eyes closed. Then, they put a strobe light in front of my face and did 4 different settings on it. That part almost killed me I'm pretty sure. If you ever need to torture someone, make them stay up all night, then put a strobe light in their face...all after they've had a seizure of course.

Ookkkaaaayyy. Then the silly nap, and on to the MRI. They got us right in and we finally had a good experience with a medical professional! The radiologist was tight. She even let us look at the scans afterwards. Anyway, if you've never had an MRI, just imagine the part in Willy-Wonka where they are in the TV and everything is white and bright and glow-y. Then with all the boat sounds and vibrations and techno music-like noise I felt like I was being transported to another planet. I found all the imperfections inside the tube which helped me focus on holding perfectly still. It was great.(Haha!)

So anyway, I should get the results back on Monday. My brain looks awesome and very intelligent so it looks like things are shaping up positively.

Thanks to everyone who's been concerned, praying, and supporting us through this crazy time. Hopefully a sense of normal will return sooner than later and my medication will either be adjusted or my body will adjust and I can get off this couch!

going crazy

This medication is nuts-o. For a week I was laying on the couch, walking and sitting up very little. I've earned some outings being seizure free for 10 days now. I got to get a pedicure on Wednesday. I got to go to Target for 30 minutes to get some bermuda shorts (I almost fell over 4 times) and then a much needed massage which was heavenly. Today I sat in Carl's office while he was in a meeting and we went to lunch. That was plenty after climbing the stairs to the apartment so now I'm laying on the couch again.

Guess what?!!!

Our GAY dvr from Cox (hate them!) erased our recordings and didn't record all the ones I set up for this week...so now I'm watching a documentary about Blood Diamonds on the History channel.


Tonight, I have to be sleep deprived for my tests tomorrow. So I'll be up till 2am and then up at 5am to dilly dally until we check in at 8am to have my EEG and MRI tests. Then I'll get a much needed nap and shower and get to eat dinner with KT and Shenold and watch a movie while Carl shoots a wedding.


Pray for us as we do these tests and pray that the results come quickly and they find whatever they're looking for. We are hopeful and trust that the future is bright and full of lots of seizure free days! (Too bad that won't move up my driving date of November 20th.)

Sunday positive:

Target has bermuda shorts on sale.


Sunday negative: I can't drive till November.

seizures and such

Check here:www.carlzochphotography.blogspot.com for updates on how we're doing and what's been going on in the last 36 hours.

career testing

So, i just spent about 2 hours taking a bunch of different FREE career tests online.(What else am I going to do...I'm layed up from another root canal.) Unfortunately I don't think it told me anything I didn't know.....here's my results:

-You will excel in service occupations involving personal contact. 13% of the total population.

-You'll thrive in a career that lets you bring order out of chaos for yours is a talent for organization.

-You need the human connection in your work to feel genuine satisfaction in your career. So, you're a natural for any of the "helping" professions.


Great. Thank you. I also was told I needed a job with a risk-factor in order for me to get out of bed in the morning. I don't know what that's supposed to look like...Oh wait, don't I already risk my safety every day in my current job? Yea...that doesn't motivate me to get up every morning.

a word...

Dweeb.




I hope it makes you laugh like it did me when I heard it on the radio.

Mamasita

I know I recently wrote about how my mom's getting old and does things that make me say "Oh bless it..." but seriously, she's a great lady.

She's getting an award tomorrow at church that she doesn't know about. It's for distinguished service. She totally deserves it, even though I know she'll think she doesn't. I helped arrange for my G-parents, aunt, sister and nephew be here. It's worked out well since tomorrow is mother's day and my mom has no idea. She's just glad we're all here and together. We had dinner and chatted tonight.

I used to not like my family. There's still times that they make me mad and when they don't understand or know who I really am. But that's okay. Tonight I really enjoyed just being with everyone and having conversation. And hearing my grandparents laugh...

same ole post

It's really no surprise that I have to blog about my job again is it?

I've at least had the convo with my supervisor...she knows I'm looking for another job, she's supportive and even said "anyone would be lucky to have you as an employee...I'll definitely be sad to see you go, you're one of my best workers." I'm at least grateful that she's not pissed that I want to leave.

Hopefully I'll get some calls and have some interviews soon...otherwise I'll be quitting without a job to fall back on and resort to a Starbucks barista.

I haven't figured out what that thing is that clicks with me. I don't know what I'd like to do, I just know it isn't what I'm doing now. I know that I'd much rather live in Italy where they work 9 months and break for 3. I also know that I'd much rather live off Canon Beach and run a coffee shop for 6 months out of the year and travel the rest of it. I know that whatever it is I end up doing for a vocation needs to be something that makes me excited to get up in the morning and not totally bummed.

I know you've heard this all before...just have to get it out...again.

back to my mommy

Carl's been in Virginia since Thursday to co-shoot 2 weddings with Steve Watkins (who happened to shoot our wedding almost 1 year ago!!!) I'm one of those people who can't live alone. I shared a room with my sister for 16 years of my life, I had a roommate through college, and I got married after graduation so I've never had to live by myself and I've been very okay with it. So, while Carl's gone, I usually move back home for however long until Carl comes back. Since we've been married, this has usually been only a few days at a time. This time, it's 6 nights. As you read below, I've had some dental work done and been in some pain and drowsy for the last few days so it hasn't been a major deal. Well, except that I haven't slept very well because my mom snores like a freight train. Anyway, what was inevitable happened yesterday. I got lectured and mommy-ed by mi madre. I think it was just a relapse on her part since I've been living back at home for longer than usual. I'm over it.

I came to the realization yesterday that mom's getting older. Her truck had a flat so we jumped the toyota and she drove it to church. Well, she hit the wiper piece thinking it was the "gear shifter." She turned off the car, went inside, and the car starts rolling and runs itself up on a sidewalk. Luckily, she goes to church super early and there weren't any cars around (or people) and it hit the sidewalk before damaging anything else. SO, I get to church and all these people are asking me what was wrong with Carl's car (he drives it usually) and I'm like whaaaaaaaat are you talking about. I hear the story, they tell me they moved it off the sidewalk but it was still in neutral (actually "Drive"). So as we leave, I walk my mom to the car, indeed, it was in "drive" and the key had been taken out improperly and been running down the battery. That's not all, since being here, she's talked to Bauer like he's a human, and I find her humming and singing to herself and later denying it when I ask her. Oh, and her speaking voice is incredibly loud!

Bless it...

dentistry

Like 99% of everyone alive, I hate the dentist. I had my regular check up a week ago. At that appointment, I found out my previous dentist of 23 years was a fraud. He told me I wouldn't have to have my wisdom teeth removed (I do), he put on stainless steel crowns which he told me were permanent (they're not). Okay, so at my check up, I was told I had a periodontal infection and would need a laser treatment and some antibiotics. I was told my stainless steel crowns would need to be removed as they are meant to be temporary and the 3 years I'd had them on already was outrageous. I had a small filling. Oh, and my wisdom teeth would need to be removed.

So, yesterday, I was supposed to have my laser treatment, filling done and my crowns replaced with porcelain ones. My appointment started at 10am. It was supposed to be 2-3 hours. Upon removing my crowns, the dentist found that both of my teeth were decayed and very soft. One was able to be fixed and a crown placed over it. The other had to have a root canal. They ask me, on happy gas, if I'll consent to the root canal. I say "might as well since i'm already here." So they put me on oxygen, get me coherent enough to sign paperwork and have me sign my new bill, and then put me back on the happy gas to continue. SO, root canal....oh, and I had been in the chair so long my Novocaine and topical treatment were wearing off so I had to have more shots. Okay, so by this time, they can't put the crown over the tooth that had the root canal because it needs to heal, so i had to have another temporary crown put on (which is larger and doesn't allow my mouth to close or bite to line up...awesome.) So it's 2pm!!! Only 1 crown on and a root canal with a shotty temporary crown. $600 later, I'm walking out of the office like a severely inebriated individual and somehow drove myself to get highlights from Christina. And i forget to have them call in my pain medication and antibiotics. So i call with a 1/2 numb mouth, sore jaw, and rediculous speaking voice. My mom miraculously picks them up after I suffered for 4 hours in the hair chair.

On the bright side, Christina did a BOMB job! On the not-so-bright side, I have another 3 hour appointment Monday to have my filling done and temporary crown removed and replaced with my porcelain one. Hopefully I'll be done with the dentist for a while...gee whiz.

goodness lives

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOkay. SO, I'm doing some grocery shopping at the Die For Less...call my mom, Bauer needs dog food. Got it. It's only on the bottom shelf, and 30 pounds. No problem. I got it on that bottom shelf part of the cart. I manage to find all the stuff I need, get to the checkout, lift the bag from the bottom to the top. The cashier so nicely and easily lifts the bag, *beep*, and then puts it back in my cart...but setting it up so all the weight is at the bottom and he puts it at the end of the cart so it's top heavy at the skinny end making it incredibly hard to start and stop. Oh great.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOkay. SO, I get all the million and one bags into the backseat and move the cart around to the other side to put it in the car. This very intimidating bald man, sees me about to hoist it into my backseat and says to me: "I'm not saying you can't, I'm just saying if there's a real man around, you shouldn't be." (Correctly assuming I know what he's talking about.) I thought for a second about saying "No really, I didn't need help getting it from the bottom shelf to my cart, or the cart to the checkout, so I'm pretty sure I can get it from the cart to my backseat." But instead I said "Thank you" and put my cart up and leave.


OOOOOOOOOOOOOkay. SO, I'm at the stoplight, windows down, and hear "Mine eats a lot less." There's my knight holding up a snow white Pomeranian. I say "I bet that's nice!" He tells me "Yea, she eats an 8lb bag of that Natural stuff from Pets Mart in 2 weeks." I say "Well it looks like it's working out for her huh." He says "Yea...ever since my ex-wife left we've been buddies." Oh dang...that sucks. But I smile and wave because the light turned green.



Thank you kind sir for proving that random acts of kindness do exist. And thank you also for being the intimidating Mr. Clean with a tiny fluffy white yappy dog.

artsy

I started my oil painting class tonight with Vo-Tech. The teacher is 68 with country western hair and the most forgetful person ever. It took us almost 2 hours to even start painting. And then I did it the way she explained and she called me out in front of the whole class. I actually was doing what she said but she felt it necessary to come over and show me anyway. Whatever.

At least all my classmates are over 50 so I have a pretty good shot at being the best. (I'm not competitive)

being american

I need a car that doesn't get broken into.

I need someone to pay off my ridiculous private collegiate education.

I need a job I don't hate.

I need a purchased home with hardwood floors and a red door.

I need an income that can support our dreams that won't require me to work 12 hour days.




Much love,

Me being okay with my selfish American tendencies.

boily shmoily

Traditions never die. We enjoyed our yearly trip to the Herbert Ranch to enjoy some good 'ole southern seafood of crawfish, shrimp, potatoes and corn this weekend. It was great to see our friends from far and wide. We'll see you next year!

why i'll forever be a renter

Wouldn't a Monday night movie be lovely?

Part 1: Cara hits an unknown substance with her hydroplane flip-flops and falls to her knee only to drench her entire right leg jean from the knee down in said unknown substance. *skins knee. *my lovely husband gets Cara load of napkins to dry her jeans.

Part 2: 2 female moviegoers decide that in the entire theater, the seat they most covet is the one where my knee is healing, jeans are drying, and feet are resting. Don't think for one second that I didn't say "Seriously?!" in a not-so-movie-friendly voice.(*it's probably helpful that you know these 2 newcomers made the total count in the theater to a whopping 12. We proceeded to move 4 seats down to regain my footrest.

Part 3: Towards the end of the movie, in the heartfelt part when I'm on the verge of tears, some peeps behind us think this is a great time to make noise. I excused the noise as crying...but then realized it was muffled laughing and began to hate them.


Conclusion: We will continue to enjoy the Red Box and our living room.


It's also humorous to know that previously this evening...
-We froze on the patio at On the Border. (turns out it wasn't that warm after all)
-Carl got "the hand" from a saleslady at Helzburg Diamonds when she was looking us up in the computer so that my ring could be cleaned and checked.
-Cara got the speech about not having her Helzburg card from the saleslady. Cara tells the lady it was in her wallet when her wallet was stolen. Lady can't find our account and asks for help. Other lady helping us was about as exciting as my 16th birthday surprise party. (Not exciting.)
-Cara takes her wedding bands to Gordan's to have them cleaned and checked. Lady asks for the paperwork. I don't have it on me. Cara has to listen to second speech about how important it is to have your paperwork with you when your ring is being checked.

mindless

I won't go as far as to say " I enjoy mindless housework like empty-ing the dishwasher, ironing, sweeping, putting away clothes, or cleaning." That would give my beloved Carl a reason to not do the above mentioned items. However, I will say that today was the first time that I used an iron since probably middle school. No joke. The invention of that wrinkle-releaser spray was for me and people like me. Anyway, I had picked up laundry the other day that I'd left at my mom's because it was already 11pm and it wasn't dry yet. So, I picked it up. Of course it's been in the dryer for something like 18 hours by this point and most of it's wrinkled. I say to myself "screw it" and put it in the grocery bags and leave. Well, I wanted to wear one of the items today but knew it was wicked wrinkly. Knowing I haven't used an iron in something like 8-10 years, I didn't really want to break my record. However, it was a new dress and I really wanted to wear it so I busted out the iron...and I even threw down my ironing skills old school on the dining room table with a towel between the table and my dress. I did a bomb job. There was something so therapeutic for me about making all those dog-gone wrinkles disappear. So of course, I clean out my closet making bags of clothes to give to Goodwill and finding other items that needed a good ironing. By the end of it, I felt so much better. Just the simple act of making wrinkles disappear. Well and I had just purged myself of 3 paper bags of pajama pants, t-shirts, and other items I can no longer wear, so I'm sure that helped too. And I put away all my clean clothes and made our bed. So now, I'm sitting on the couch so relaxed and thankful for tasks that have become therapeutic for me...even if that means I'm doing them alone.

i don't know.

I'm driving to training on Thursday morning...it's all the way in Norman, so it's a nice thinking drive. I pass a man driving a brand new SUV with one of those christian fish on the back. He's smoking with the windows up. I immediately start thinking to myself..."Can you be 'Christian' and smoke?" And then I took it further because I'm sure you can be "Christian" and do pretty much anything. But, can you do something that you know has the potential to kill you? But then, can't you really say that about driving? I could die driving a car...but I still drive a car. I don't know...

My training this month was on child sexual abuse. Needless to say I was mentally and emotionally exhausted last night from processing all the information and trying to decide if there's any room for redemption in the lives of people who do such horrible things to children. And then I was so paranoid that everyone in the grocery store was a child molester or rapist that I left and asked my mom to come over and keep me company till Carl got home 2 hours later. I'm sure that sounds lame, but that's just part of who I am I guess. I'm also still scared of the dark and can't stay anywhere by myself over night. So there, I'm super lame.

So I don't know. Sometimes questions with no answers drive me crazy. This weekend I'm pretty much okay with just leaving them alone for now.

Any answers?

Walley World

So it's no secret I don't like Wal-Mart. Almost 2 years ago, I came across a website called "Wake-Up-WalMart.com" I began learning how WalMart paid men more than women, they denied their employees health benefits, and imported more products from China than any other superstore or chain in America. I started boycotting and refused to buy anything at Wal-Mart. Yes, it's more annoying, but I somehow feel like I'm changing just a little part of the world by not supporting the monster that is the "Big Box." It's okay if you don't agree with me. It's okay (i guess) if you choose to support Wal-Mart. I just hope it's a little harder after reading the facts about the company.

I'm not technologically savvy so just copy and paste the links for some anti-walmart videos done by Wake-Up-Walmart.com

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mvxaA3h0iPs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lCxcH5q7qDA



http://www.wakeupwalmart.com
-the news section is overflowing with stories of ex-employees and their experiences during and after working for WalMart not the least of which is the brain-damaged woman in Missouri who now owes WalMart almost $500,000. What a world...

a baby is born...

yep. i got paid to watch a live birth today. my new case, a 14 year old girl who's in our custody, gave birth to a baby boy around lunch time. he's really cute, but he has the most vortex of a cone-head I've ever seen. maybe all babies do when they first come out but still. it was wicked cone-y.

the girl did great. she threw up off and on through the delivery which surprisingly was the only part of the birth that made me want to vomit. anyway, she did great. no complications, no tearing, no stitches, no nothing. this is a pretty sweet deal considering she is 4'11'', weighs about 100 pounds, and has very small hips.

now that i've seen a baby born, i'm even more okay sticking to the 6-8 year plan of Carl and I's to become parents.

well, so tomorrow i get to place her baby in custody and hopefully in the same foster home as hers. and i'll get to hold baby boy unknown!

"My Michigan"...though some deny it.

So, I was in Michigan March 6-9th. While it wasn't a nice change in weather (10-32 degrees!) it was a nice break from my job. I did pretty good at not checking my work phone either. (Yay me.) Pretty much all we did was eat, wear sweat pants, watch tv, and a little shopping. My shopping was at Forever 21 and Target. Now I know you're like "Target! We have those here moron!" Okay, but you have to understand that last year in Michigan was my glorious $7 jeans from Target and since I can't wear them right now, I was sure that Michigan was holding at least another pair of cheap jeans. (I was right! and 2 pairs at that!) The other shopping was watching Bennett drop some cash at Pottery Barn Outlet and The North Face Outlet. (I got a BOMB backpack for 60%off)

My favorite part of the trip was being with 2 friends that are capable of being what I call pause/unpause friends. They're the friends that when you're not together for a while, and then you get to spend some time together you just pick up where you left off. I absolutely love that I have these friends that don't freak out about stupid stuff.

For some reason, I was obsessed with facts about Michigan on this trip. "My Michigan" is the state song, but most Michiganders dispute it's authenticity as the state song. Michigan is basically a lot of towns with around 100,000-150,000 people about 20-30 minutes apart, with the exception of the capitol, Lansing. Michigan also has the most golf courses of any other place in the world
. This is interesting to me because Michigan is covered in snow for 1/2 the year. But trust me folks we drove by a ton. Residents of Michigan are referred to as "Michiganders." Detroit is the car capitol of the world. (duh) The world's largest manufacturer of magic supplies is in Michigan. Michigan has the world's only floating post office. At any place in Michigan, you are no more than 85 miles from a Great Lake.


I hope you feel smarter. I know I am.


Oh, and if you drive from Michigan to Oklahoma, you get to drive through 5 states in 15 hours. (Michigan, Indiana, Illinois, Missouri, and Oklahoma) And you get to drive through towns like Brazil, Cuba, Paris, Teutopolis, and Effingham. Couscous is made in Effingham...in case you didn't know.


That's all. Michigan is cool. (pun intended)

my michigan vacation

I leave Thursday. I'm so pumped to be off of work and out of the state for 4 days. I may even leave my work cell phone behind! Hazaaa!


I get to spend Thursday with Bennett on a plane flying to Detroit. Emily will pick us up and we'll drive an hour to Flint! We'll be there till Sunday morning early early early. Then, we'll load up Emily's Pontiac Grand Am and make our reunion tour road trip back to OKC. We're going to eat Mongolian Bar-B-Q and see the sights of all Michigan has to offer...again!

it's been a while since...

...i talked about how much I don't like my job.

This time I'll just be complaining about the disconnect between what we call "the field" (actually doing the job of a child welfare worker) and training.


I have 2 days of training a month. By the end of June, I will have completed all the necessary trainings to reach Level II status which means a raise (a whole $2,000/year) and more trainings to reach Level III status. I've been doing the monthly training since November. What I've noticed is that the trainers tend to be employees of DHS for at least 15+ years. Most of the time it's more like 25+. They did the same job we did...about 20 years ago. So, I hope you can guess from that that things have changed over the years.

Okay, here's my issue. I sat on the back row (such a rebel) with 12 of my CORE buddies. Most of us have been doing our job 6-7 months now. Almost everything told to us by these trainers seems to be outdated, untrue, or different than has been told to us previously, or by those in our office (supervisors, etc.)and usually different than is practiced in offices today. SO...are these 2 day trainings really to my advantage? If I'm learning old methods and outdated material that no longer pertains to my job...aren't I wasting my time, gas, money?


The best part of today was sitting at Boomerang eating chicken fingers and cheese fries and complaining with my fellow co-workers about how much we hate this job. It didn't fix any of issues I have with my job, but I at least felt better knowing that I wasn't the only one.

movement

March 1st we'll have a new home, lovingly entitled "the Dave Ramsey Penthouse Apartment."

Anyone needing to gain some community service hours or jewels for their heavenly crown, let us know. We love help.



Stop worrying. The carpet has been professionally cleaned (today in fact) and the pest control spraying is 10 days before we move in. What more could we ask for.

whats up doc

So I went to the doctor this morning...and it turns out that I apparently actually am allergic to our apartment which is why I've been sick so long. After going over all my symptoms and home/work environments, my doctor said that there's most likely something in the apartment that has/is aggravating is has created a new allergy.

Sweet.

tv movies and cold medicine

Welcome to any day in the last 2 months where I haven't had to work. It usually involves TV movies (which I include movies on TBS etc.) laying on the couch(es) and staying on top of taking my medicine. Well...I think my body's rejecting all forms of medicine because it's not making me any better, just makes me a different kind of sick. Like around Thanksgiving, Carl was sick with a regular cold. I got it upon our return home. That proceeded to turn into a bronchial infection or something with lots of coughing. So, then I got over the coughing (or so I thought) and now I have some sort of sinus infection or something and I can't breathe consistently out of my nose and therefore my mouth/throat are dry. I've been sleeping mediocre. Today I've been pretty much just laying and sleeping and watching TV. This is getting really old.

In other news, that 17 year old that ran away is doing really well. We traveled to Tulsa twice this week to check out a facility and he was admitted yesterday. To his dismay, he's really enjoying it and thinks me may complete the treatment plan after all. Hooray and Hallelujah! We've had some pretty serious conversations on the 2 road trips this week. I'm pretty knowledgeable about drugs and "street lingo" if you have any questions.


Another thing. All these home buying, flipping, fixing up your home shows are making me angry at the Dave Ramsey Apartment and the fact that we weren't "blessed" with instant wealth. (Sarcasm people...please laugh) But seriously, this girl that I work with just bought a 2008 H3. They moved into their 2,000 sf "starter home" last month that they were able to build. She got an iphone the day they came out. and then broke it and got another one. She wears "designer jeans" (whatever that means) and carries designer bags (s/a Fendi and Gucci) She already had a 2004 Acura with GPS and leather. But she said it was "getting old." Oh...she makes me laugh so hard. Especially when I ask if she wants to ride in the 1990 Toyota with automatic seatbelts and she says "It's okay, I'll drive." Hahahaha....

MLK Hay Day

2 parades. (Guthrie and OKC)
Lunch and Dinner.
Friends and Family.
Lots of Walking.
Being Cold.

=
_______________
The best holiday I've had and understood in the same day.




PS. White people....you need to care about major figures in history and support them and the days that honor them even when they're not white. So go to a parade or SOMETHING and don't sit in your car with the windows rolled up. Stand alongside and/or walk with someone different than you and talk with them. Share the experience. Share Life. Love each other.

now accepting

warm birthday wishes.


hooray for being 23.







tomorrow.

Go CW Go

Nothing like a 16 hour day to get a crack-head teen runaway a placement.

That's right people...it all started with the phone call at 4:26am.(Wouldn't have been so bad had I been asleep before 1am.) My day finally ended at 8pm with the teen in a lock down facility to get the help he needs. We had some good conversations today after he sobered up. (Don't worry, he tested .40 for alcohol at 2:30am and it took him till noon to be coherent.) I think it finally hit home when he couldn't remember anything since Saturday. Hopefully he cleans up so he stays out of jail.

At least he's safe now and I can finally sleep.

All in a days work...

free

Currently we need:

A Free Car

A Free gift of $50,000 to pay off our college educations.

A Free house with hardwood floors and a big enough backyard for Bauer.

All applicant's with one or all of the above qualification can apply between the hours of 12am and 12pm M-Sun.

We appreciate you.

it can happen

I think it's possible that there are jobs out there that you can't find the positive in. I don't tell people the negatives of my jobs because it's fun, it's just the answer to their question happens to be negative.

Agree? Disagree?

Target, really?

I went to Target today feeling that I deserved some new after-christmas sale clothes. (NONE to be had)and they have SWIMSUITS


are you kidding me? Is it not DECEMBER?!

festivus for the restofus

Christmastime 2007 was spent in the stinky armpit of Arkansas at my sister's house. This year, for the first time, just our immediate family got together. Every year since I've been alive we always go to my grandparents in Kansas. This year was nice...really relaxing...lots of toy-playing, movies, and Wii. (I'll show photo proof later from my christmas present camera.) We came up after the Xmas eve service and left Wednesday evening-ish

We met up with Josh and Katie and had dinner and saw "Juno." Please see it. It's fantastic!


Carl's parents totally understand good gift giving. While we did not participate in presents of any kind, we couldn't help my mom and his mom from stopping. Carls family gave me 2 shirts (they fit and are cool), a robe (which I've been wanting), gloves (much needed), warm socks, and a bag (purse...whatever). My mom got us our favorite chex mix (homemade), funfetti cake mix, blueberry muffin mix, and some muffin cups. (we're easy to please) My sister got me this cup that when you put ice in it the ice lasts for 4 hours. It will come in handy at work for sure. My aunt sent us a santa salt and pepper shaker and an ornament...we've received a lot of ornaments this year which is humerous to us since we don't have a tree (Dave Ramsey Apartment is just too small) Carl's Grandma Bev and Aunt Sandy came through town on Friday and gave us lots of goodies like an oil dipping set ( like a glass oil thing with 4 little dipper saucer things) a Minnesota magnet for our fridge, some inspiring calendars, etc. Oh, and some santa jingle bell ornaments.


See you next year!!!

I do this at least twice a month

I'm completely over working full-time. I know this is no new rant, but seriously. If parents aren't going to do what it takes to be a parent. If they're going to do drugs while they're pregnant and create children that require special care. If they're going to distribute cocaine or sit in jail or kill their kids then I don't want to do this anymore.

You can have your insurance, your holidays, your cubicle, your office supplies, and your christmas parties. I'm want out.


So, if any of you are up for paying off my $50,000 school bill so I'm debt free, that'd be great.

don't hate. participate.

http://www.adventconspiracy.org/

'tis better to give than to receive.

law school?

I'm thinking about it. I am extremely interested in the legal system and very much enjoy the court side of my job. I attended a 2 day legal training yesterday and today and that's where this is coming from. I seriously considered it in college as well. I even went as far as to request materials from OCU and OU schools of law. If I did end up pursuing it, I'd want to focus on juvenile or family law. Hm...what are your thoughts?

be jealous.

It was a great T-Give. I don't know why everyone doesn't live in the Northwest. It's actually Fall here. Here are some pics taken by my husband, Carl of our trip so far. (I took the one of him.) Tomorrow is the beach and then home on Sunday. I'll be speaking to all of you at some point about moving out here. It's a definite must. I'm thankful my in-laws are BOMB and live in such a wonderful place. 

heaven bound

okay, just the northwest. but you know it's the same.


i hope you're jealous.

i'll sure miss my g-ma's bomb punkin' pie...but i'm supposed to have one waiting when we get back! yessssssssssssss

happy early turkey lurkey jerkey day. gobble gobble.

worse than buying jeans

that is car shopping. there are so many scams and slime-y, greasy salesmen waiting for you to say "i'll take it." it could possibly be the most frustrating thing i've/we've ever done. i know you have to agree with me.

So far 4 of 4 cars we've test driven have had the check engine light on. 1 had to be jump-started (a great sign...plus we already have the Toyota for that) 2 had the ABS light on in addition to the CE. stuck windows, broken locks, dying sunroof motors, interiors complete with dog hair, blown headlight and bad brakes. i thought I was buying a car not to fix a car. Am i right?

We downsize to the apartment in 2.5 weeks. not 1 box is packed. whew knew that your stuff multiplies when you don't live in a dorm room anymore.

2 days off this week. Thank you veterans and brad henry. (friday is statehood day.)

T-minus one week till we will be chillaxing on the Oregon coast, eating punkin' pie, seeing the ocean/gorge/falls, and being in a way cooler town than I've been in for the last 22 years.

For those wondering about my job: I had my first real full day today. We celebrated with Macaroni Grill...i deserved to eat a whole loaf of bread before my meal. After all, I put in a 9 hour day while eating lunch at my desk and saving the world with one hand.

You're welcome.


*sorry to the grammar fanatics that are irritated at my lack of proper punctuation and capitalization.

something new

that's what i need. something new.

i'm looking for another job. if you know of one where i wouldn't stare at a computer all day and be expected to drop everything and come running 24/7...i'll definitely check it out. (even if it's just part time.)

that's all.

'cause 7 ate 9

while cleaning out our garage today, we found mousy 8, 9, and 10.

9 and 10 we apparently killed with our minds because they were found under a crate and behind a box...dead and smelly.

never-the-less, we have a clean garage and haven't caught any in the last 6 hours which obviously means that our cleaning worked.

i wish you peace and mouse-less-ness. :)

dead

Fival, Fifal, whatever that mouses name was...#1, 2, and 3 have seen their last days. I hope their friends get the message.

Don't mess with the Zoch House.

Number 4 just died. Booya.

and 5, 6, 7....still counting.

second first day

Today was my second first day on the job. I again sat at my desk most of the day and in a courtroom the rest. I have no cases but I did get my card key, work cell phone, and set up my desk voicemail. At least today was payday...


Oh, and we have mice in our house/garage. What a great day.

punkin' time.

you should carve a punkin'. it gets all your feelings out and is actually a lot of fun. my punkin' is a tribute to Spencer. his words deeply impact me. i hope you enjoy them as well. -peace to you.

the opposite of encouragement and a great movie

Frequent followers will remember that I am still in training for my job as a child welfare specialist with DHS. In a post a few weeks ago, I talked about how the training is somewhat depressing. At the least, it is the opposite of encouraging. I sit from 9-4:30, M-F, listening to stories of how crappy parents are, how crappy judges are, how horrible we are at our jobs, how many mistakes we will make, and how hopeless situations can be. I appreciate the reality check, however, is it necessary to hammer me with it for 5 weeks? (I guess the answer is probably. That way I figure out if I am cut out for this or not.)

Each day I sit through the lectures, I have an inner struggle of believing in myself. This job is full of opportunities. Opportunities to go crazy. To lose it. To ruin families. And to change lives. Make an impact. Be a role model. Be a teacher. Prove that there is hope for humanity. One minute I have no doubt I am meant to do this job. I know I can do and do it really well. The next minute, I am completely doubting myself and wondering if I should quit now and be a miserable secretary or discontented babysitter. Most days I think this is just a sign that I'm dealing with the fact that I have to be an adult and do a grown up job that makes no money and potentially reaps no rewards.

I have 7 days of training left. After that I am thrown into the world of a caseload and immediately start making decisions that affect the lives of children and families. I will have to be completely objective and leave my values and beliefs in the car as I walk up to a house where I will be greeted with distrust and confrontation. What a great challenge my job will be.

Okay, now that you too are depressed about my job, let's talk about a movie you need to see.

"The Kingdom." Some friends and I saw it last night. I wanted to see it because it looked like 24 meets Crash meets shoot-em-up. It looked intense, but not so much that I couldn't handle it. (I'm a wuss.) Jamie Foxx, Chris Cooper, Jennifer Garner, and Jason Bateman are the FBI heroes that go to Saudi Arabia to help investigate terrorist attacks on American oil company workers and their families. It shows the deep roots and intensity of a Muslim culture. It shows how respecting a culture different than your own is beneficial when on their turf. It shows that not everyone in a labeled "bad guys" culture is bad. The team ends up working with and befriending a Saudi colonel. Anyway, the movie was heavy for me because it showed what life in like when your country is at war, whether it's within your country or with one across the ocean that has it's people in your country. I refuse to say at this point in my opinion, "I realized how lucky I am" or how "grateful I am to live in America." Instead, I sat there trying not to throw up and my heart breaking for a world that lives in a reality where war is even a possibility or a way of life. I cried knowing that the dream for the world is not to be at odds with each other and with an intensity that involves incredible violence. I cried because I know I participate in unconscious ways that perpetuate wars, whether it's between friends, countries, or the self.

I will admit I left the theater feeling unsafe and thinking about how paralyzing the mere threat of violence is. The national threat level is currently at "Elevated." While we continue to live our lives as "normal," I can't help but let my mind wander to the future when the reality will no longer be a threat, but will be in the streets outside my door. That may be days, months, years, decades. My hope for peace has to outweigh my fear of war or violence or whatever. I hope that I will now be more aware of ways I can participate and perpetuate peace instead of war.

That is also a huge responsibility.

i will update, but for now...

I will update and it will be bomb, trust me. but for now, here's some advice from my friend and my favorite song. I hope that you will float south to try and find your name.

"Don’t ask what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

iceburg

if this is all you ever knew, i could forgive you, if this is all you ever knew.
if this is all you ever saw, like an iceburg, that never got to thaw

i don't think i'd care too much
i don't think i'd mind one bit
if you never floated south to try to find your name

if this was all that you could be,
sitting here playing your video games on the tv
and if this is all that you could do,
with your perfect job, and your perfect raise
and your benefits too

i don't think i'd care too much
i don't think i'd mind one bit
if you never floated south to try to find your name

but i know that you have tasted a dream
and i know that it doesn't smell like a copier machine
and i know that you have heard the call of wilder things
i will never see

so i think you should go right now
you don't have to say goodbye
cause i could tell them that you went south to try to find your name.

i think you should go right now
you don't have to say goodbye
cause i could tell them that you went south to try to find your name.

i think you should go right now
you don't have to say goodbye
cause i could tell them that you went south to try and find your name.

-Spencer Green

Training Days

Sorry to those of you who thought of the horrible movie "training day" before the fact that I am in my first week of training with my new job. (And sorry to Famous Dave: I will have to teach you about compost piles at a later date.)

So, I've survived 3 fairly intense days of training in Norman with the OKDHS training team. Everyone so far that's spoken to us has over 20 years experience with some side of DHS. It's incredible. I selfishly hope I do not become such a person. Anyway, here's the breakdown so far:

Day 1: Values, Objectivity, Storytime, Overview of Child Protective Services
We are told that whatever personal values we hold, we must leave them at the door. What is normal and acceptable for us is not the same for someone else, especially those who become our clients. A dirty house is the norm for them. A clean one is the norm for us. A mom smoking pot while her child is at school to relieve "stress" is not questionable (until she starts abusing/neglecting her kids). Those are just examples of what the lady told us and examples of the great laws in Oklahoma. You can smoke pot (until the police find out) and raise a child (as long as you're not abusing/neglecting your child.) You can have a dirty house until it affects the safety and well-being of your children. (Please note that dirty house can mean dirty clothes, leftover food, bugs, and it gets worse from there.) You can even test positive for drugs at your baby's birth and unless law enforcement or child welfare can prove you are abusing or neglecting that child or your other children, you go free. The In's and outs of a complex system sometimes aren't so great to learn. I apologize that I can't re-tell the stories I heard. Trust me they were believable an unbelievable at the same time. I kind of already touched on CPS policy...basically it's tricky and all about interpretation.

Day 2: CPS Policy, Sexual Abuse broad overview, Domestic Violence Oprah video
We learned when you can and can't remove a child from the home. We heard more stories about how the DA or judge let a father go free who admitted to brutally abusing his 8 week old baby girl. We learned a bagillion definitions and why it's important to know them and when they apply to situations. We got a watered down overview of sexual abuse which will be in depth next week. Finally, we watched an Oprah episode where she interviewed 3 women who were victims of domestic violence and heard their stories. It was super frustrating to hear them choose their partner over their children again and again.

Day 3: Slides and more slides.
We got to hear some stories today, but it was mostly pictures and videos. Today was sad and depressing. We were shown actual pictures of child victims of abuse and neglect. Everything from bruises, to scars, to burns, to head trauma, to death. 3 hours. It sucked and I cried and contemplated quitting my job. Then, we watched a Frontline story about a 4 year old who died in the Foster Care of a DHS worker of 25 years. The woman was an intake supervisor and was a foster mom to 2 little girls plus her own 2 boys. I won't tell you the story because there's no reason for you to know but it was very sad and depressing and I cried some more, questioned the nature of humanity, asked God why and how people were capable of doing such things, contemplated quitting my job again, and then spent the car-ride home trying to process the day.

I'm exhausted and a bit overwhelmed by the job I have undertaken. I am daily being confirmed that I'm in the right job. But we all know that job you love and feel called to has it's bad days.

I can say that this job has made me eternally grateful for the parents I have and had growing up. My life wasn't perfect and I thought I had it rough. Seeing the evils that go on down the street and next door to me, I have to hope that change is possible and that humanity is good and that life doesn't have to be this way for over 600,000 kids in DHS custody nation-wide.

I hope that now you will hope as well.

newness

No School.
New Job.
ANTM marathons.
Monday night "Hills" watch party's with Bennett. (She's one of my old roommates)
Grey's is starting soon.
The weather is finally cooling off.
School loans are due soon.
Fall Retreat is coming soon. (My favorite trip)


I haven't really had anything to write about lately.

I could tell you about my job, but there are few happy stories when it comes to child abuse and neglect. (And at least I have a job.)

I could tell you more about how I enjoy grocery shopping and using our new vacuum, but I think we all know how exciting that is to read about. (At least I can go grocery shopping without food stamps.)

I could tell you about the noises Carl's car is making (it is similar to a cappuccino machine) but at least we each have a car that works and we have no payments to make on them. (And we have good friends that help us fix our cars for cheap)


My life pretty much is about people. Eating with them, watching shows with them, etc. I know there's more to life than this...like saving the planet from global warming, starting a compost pile, having my own garden, recycling everything, being aware of what I'm supporting with my finances and time, not supporting walmart, yadda yadda yadda. I do agree with all of that. But some days, I need more than issues I care about to get me through the day. I need people.


PS, "Fast Food Nation" could be one of the best movies I've seen. It has inspired me to be more aware of what I eat, where I eat, and who I support. It embraces all kinds of issues and shows how they affect each other. You should check it out.

That's all.

Reporting for Duty

Well, I've just about finished my first week of my job. To refresh you, I'm a state employee with OKDHS in Child Welfare. Basically, I'm a social worker. I work with abused and neglected children to get them reunited with their families if possible and if I can't do that, I help place them in foster families and sometimes adoption.

I think if I could somehow know what a superhero felt like, this would be similar. You can't help but feel like you're making a difference when you're ensuring the immediate safety of children and sometimes their parents.

Days involve visits to court, visits to parents/children/foster families, documentation like you wouldn't believe, and setting up preventative services.

Unfortunately, I cannot disclose details of cases I've been a part of, but let me tell you that I have some great and heartbreaking stories just after 2 days in the field. (I've done computer training the other 2)

I'm thinking about requesting a switch to the intake side of child welfare. I'll keep you up to date about what's up but for now, i'm going to enjoy "jean day" at work tomorrow, read some books for training, and enjoy having a day off Monday! WOOP!

I got a jobby mcjob!

I am now officially an employee of the Department of Human Services for Oklahoma County in the state of Oklahoma!!! I will be working in the Child Welfare department in the permanency group. I start on Monday at 8am! I am very eager to start training and begin the journey of the secular work force. To pump myself up I've been watching episodes of Judging Amy on TNT.

Anyway, congratulations to me! And I'll try to write on Monday after my first day! WOO HOO!

updaty date

Well, all is well in the world tonight. Sorta. I must rewind to Sunday.

Sunday: Carl and I had a solo lunch at my fav. Macaroni Grill. Love their bread. Anyway, by the time we got home his grumpy mood had rubbed off on me and we ended up sleeping the afternoon away and hoping our attitudes would change. They did thanks to a 3 hour nap. Love you cloudy days. THEN, there was Kaleo where my hero Judy spoke and killed it. She seriously makes me want to be Christian. She is so Mother Teresa it's encouraging. However, I was struggling pre-service because I realized that having married friends and friends that live far away is a bummer. No one has time to hang out or run to Sonic or watch Greys on abc.com or be so incredibly hyper and laugh till you pee your pants or talk crap on your housemates America's Next Top Model style. So, I decided I needed friend time soon or i was going to be sad. Then, my loves Greg and Susan stopped by and after some chit chat, name calling, and hugs the once grumpy mood was gone. My other love Kaleb (bridesman, love him) came over and chilled at our bomb house and we saved the world.

Monday: Cool married friends Josh and Katie came over and we had a home-cooked meal of spaghetti, salad, bread, and dr pepper. awesome! Then we just hung out and tried to solve Katie's pinched nerve medical mystery. (We didn't quite solve it.) After this, I went to Bennett's house (my LOVE and one of my bridesmaids) and we watched "The Hills" and I don't care how many comments I get. I love the Hills and get over it. I needed a loud Benny hello and a hug and some friend time. After the show, we chatted and I left only to call Gatlin (my LOVE too and other bridesmaid) in Michi to tell her that she should move back to the 405 so I can see her face. We ended up talking for an hour (which is years in "i'm not a phone-talker" time) and it was also what I needed. It was so great to fill up on friend love.

Tuesday: I got my social security card in the mail today. This is good because if i DO get a job soon (siiiiiiiigh) then I'll have the proper paperwork instead of launching into the "my purse got stolen and it was in my wallet" story, which I appreciate. I watched some ANTM to remind myself that my life kicks and has very little drama. Then, Carl and I went to Greg and Susan's for SALMON! (Please sing the word Salmon) and to catch up. It turned into a 3 hour dinner which was a breath of fresh air. I love the way I laugh with Greg and Susan. It is that belly laugh that you really mean. Then, it was Thomas's Homecoming at the Airport! We picked up T-town and have been living it up back in the bomb house where Thomas is wrestling with Bauer on the hardwood floor.


Well.....That is all for now. Still no word from DHS about a job. I'm going to call and ask tomorrow though so that I can get on with my life. Tomorrow is full of helping Thomas move, having lunch w/Kendra @ Camille's, and picking up the beloved Taylor and Drew from school. Then more church.

Much Love.

ps, i think the "hungry like a wolf" old spice commercial is hilarious.

My stuff got jacked.

Helpful hint: Don't leave your purse in an unlocked car in the church parking lot.

Story: After a job interview (that went great!) at DHS with the Child Welfare office, taking my transcript back to DHS to get approval for direct hire, eating an amazing lunch at Papa Angelos pizza, and getting a drug/alcohol test (for said job) I took my signed paper to the church for Maria to fax to DHS for me. Only Maria and Ginger were there, so I parked the car (Oh, not even my car mind you) and left my phone, purse, job info in the front seat and thought to myself "I'll only be gone a minute." Less than 10 minutes later I return to an empty front seat...only my phone and papers are left.

So, while Maria is faxing my paper, a large bald Hispanic man comes to the intercom asking for school supplies for his kids. Ginger replies to him and he leaves. I could see the man on the TV monitor in Maria's office. I could also see the car. She hands me back the paper, we chat a minute and I go back outside. Through the windshield I can see that the seat is empty and paper on the ground outside the door make my heart beat fast and I run back inside saying "That guy stole my purse!"

The next 20 minutes were filled with phone calls to Carl, Arvest, and 911. I froze my accounts, filed a police report, and added a fraud alert with the 3 credit bureaus. Next, I cried, cursed my stupidity for leaving the car unlocked (which i never do) and for carrying my social security cards with me. (which you're not supposed to do.)

Contents Stolen:
-Large Red Bag

-Wallet (Arvest debit card, BOA debit card, new SS card with my married name, 2 check books (2 different accounts) some change, those saver cards and coupon cards, a $100 pier 1 gift card, 2 un-deposited checks totaling $270, Jon and Kelly's pool pass, my jump drive (complete with all my homework from college), and then misc. cards for subway and marble slab. I don't use them anyway.

-My EpiPen and Benedryl for allergy attacks along with some other medicines, chap stick, gum, pens, an umbrella, my planner, my keys (home, car, carl's car, my mom's house, including my ID holder with my old SS card, driver's license, school ID,) All of it is stupid replaceable crap (except my SS card. That sucks hard.)

-My glasses! Gr...

The guy left my cell phone and sunglasses as well as all my job info. Thank you sir.

My bomb of a husband met me at the tag agency and I got a new license for $10 then we went to Target and he was kind enough to get me a new bag and wallet (and the staple items of chap stick and gum. Duh.)

Moral of this story. Don't leave anything in your unlocked car. It'll get jacked and then you'll spend the next week waiting for replacement debit cards or sitting in the Social Security office. Maybe the guy will use one of the cards or checks and the police can catch him.

His kids can keep the school supplies though.