this is real life.

Ebeneezer: stone of remembrance

2012-02-10T22:03:00.000-06:00

This has been a weird week. Not necessarily hard, but it's felt weird. It's felt "off." I couldn't put my finger on it. I was feeling the usual stress to get everything done at work. I was feeling lonely but figured it was just because I had to spend my weekend laying on my back instead of running around and being with friends. I was feeling a weight on my chest. But it dawned on me at about 3:00pm today that this was a heavy week in my life last year. This was the defining week. This was when life got real. Choices were made. Words were spoken. Promises were broken. This was when the fog got really thick. I don't hate that I'm sentimental, but it can get annoying that I remember every little piece of every little thing that happened.

This weekend last year, my dad got on a plane, my sister got in the car, and my family all got together to do what you do when life gets crazy hard.

Eat.
Laugh.
Organize.
Protect.
Be together.

I've been kinda angry this week. Especially tonight. I didn't want to be home alone mulling over thoughts of last year. I didn't want to venture back into that fog. But a funny thing happens when you look back and see how far you've come. You remember how good it feels to not be back there anymore. It feels good to be almost 20 pounds lighter. It feels good to be taking care of myself. It feels good to be healthy. It feels good to be playing music again. It feels good to actually buy groceries and make myself a meal.

I needed to acknowledge that this weekend was here. I needed to raise an Ebeneezer and remember it's "hither by thy help I've come." Another milestone for the rear-view mirror. Another sentimental anniversary reclaimed and turned into something good.

Bye.

Whatever comes, we shall endure.

2012-02-08T22:27:00.000-06:00

I heard this song, "Feast or Fallow" by Sandra McCracken back in the Fall sometime. I honestly don't remember, but I remember mentioning to Brandon that we should sing it sometime together for church. It symbolized a lot for me and I felt like it would be a very powerful thing for me to do. In high school and college, I helped lead worship on Wednesdays and for a Sunday night service we used to have. With the help of two mentors, I taught myself guitar and started singing and playing back in 9th grade. Playing and singing were a big part of who I was pre-seizure. After my seizure, my coordination wasn't the same and I didn't have the energy to play anymore. My guitar gathered dust. I took a solid 2 years off of singing or playing. I've helped out on the "praise team," (one of my least favorite church terms ever) a few times over the last year or so, but haven't played my guitar in front of people since 2008. I was scheduled to sing with Brandon at the beginning of January (as I have several times before) but it got pushed back to the 15th. The 15th happened to be my birthday. Brandon emailed me a week before and asked if I'd be interested in doing Feast or Fallow for offertory on that Sunday. After some freaking out, I agreed to do it if he would play and sing with me.

I was proud of myself for accepting the challenge instead of running from it. I was proud that I felt like I was ready to be vulnerable in front of people again. I was proud to sing a song that felt like it came from my own soul and experience. I was nervous as I've ever been, but it felt good. It felt right. What better way to celebrate a birthday than to re-claim my guitar. Re-claim my voice. And proclaim that whatever comes, we shall endure. My fields have been dry. My winter was long. The earth shook beneath me on more than one occasion. But what I've come to know more powerfully than anything else is every word in the chorus is true.

When the fields are dry, and the winter is long
Blessed are the meek, the hungry, the poor
When my soul is downcast, and my voice has no song
For mercy, for comfort, I wait on the Lord
In the harvest feast or the fallow ground,
My certain hope is in Jesus found
My lot, my cup, my portion sure
Whatever comes, we shall endure
Whatever comes, we shall endure
On a cross of wood, His blood was outpoured
He Rose from the ground, like a bird to the sky
Bringing peace to our violence, and crushing death’s door
Our Maker incarnate, our God who provides
In the harvest feast or the fallow ground,
My certain hope is in Jesus found
My lot, my cup, my portion sure
Whatever comes, we shall endure
Whatever comes, we shall endure
When the earth beneath me crumbles and quakes
Not a sparrow falls, nor a hair from my head
Without His hand to guide me, my shield and my strength
In joy or in sorrow, in life or in death
In the harvest feast or the fallow ground,
My certain hope is in Jesus found
My lot, my cup, my portion sure
Whatever comes, we shall endure
Whatever comes, we shall endure

2012: the best of intentions

2012-01-02T19:39:00.000-06:00

I'm not calling these goals. Or resolutions. These are the boundaries by which I'm going to try to operate in 2012. These are my intentions for the new year.

PEACE: let it go. practice peace.

QUIET: shut up. be still. l i s t e n.

PLAY: life is happening. participate.

FOLLOW THRU: do what you say you're going to do. show up when you say you're going to show up.

RISK: you can't calculate everything. jump without looking. take a chance on something or someone.

CHALLENGE: yourself. your mind. your body. your soul.

MOVE: don't stall out. don't stand still. keep moving forward. keep changing.

RESPOND: breathe. close your eyes. think. don't react.

CONSISTENCY: be the same in all avenues of life. at work. at school. while driving. with kids. with adults. online. in person.

HONESTY: ask for help when you need it. call a friend when you're lonely. answer questions with the truth. #realtalk

INVEST: with no regard for personal gain. with friendships. with time. with your life.

GIVE: be generous. with time. with resources. with grace.

PRESENT: be where you are, 110%. leave your phone in your bag. look people in the eye. hug them. say i love you. be fully present.

REMEMBER: take pictures. write. tell stories. reminisce. jog your memory.

DANCE: every day. especially the hard days.

I would love to hear your intentions for 2012! And I would appreciate you holding me accountable to mine. Happy Second Day of the New Year.

(If you're looking for some good suggestions, read this article.)

a tinge of sadness. a bear hug to the new year. and some hope.

2011-12-31T17:03:00.000-06:00

I did these things: got a job, learned to row crew, went to two NBA Thunder playoff games, came back to yoga, lived alone, learned to be a d-word, made some new friends, sold some stuff, bought some stuff, got in a wreck, got my first speeding ticket in 10 years, said too many unwanted goodbyes, cried gallons of tears, laughed to the point of exhaustion.

I went to these places: Hawaii, Texas, Kansas, Arkansas, Washington DC, Memphis TN, North Carolina.

I got to see: friends become parents. strangers become friends. family come together. marriages get stronger. people change.

I was: weak. tired. sad. confused.

I am: strong. resilient. healing. growing. happy.

I have: hope. and lots of it.

Today has been an emotional day. More emotional than I expected if I'm completely honest. There was a lot I wanted to say about this year, but after much reflection, I've realized none of it matters anymore. It's over. This year is 7 hours from being behind me. That's all that matters. I think we all know I've been looking forward to a new year. A fresh start. A beginning that's not tainted with the sting of the d-word.

And it's finally here.

2012,
I greet you with a smile, a couple of tears, an excited laugh, a nervous twitch, and big 'ole bear hug. It's so nice to meet you.
-Cara

New Year Report Card

2011-12-21T09:32:00.001-06:00

I made a list of efforts last December for the new year. Since there's only 10 days left, I think it's time for a final grade.

1. Be nicer. (React slower, keep your mouth shut, be stingy with your opinions.). Final Grade: B+ I think I've learned how to respond vs react, act with dignity, be more free with grace and keep my feelings to myself. Still room for improvement and I don't act the way I wish I did 7 days a week...but I'm different than I was. And that's what's important.

2. Honk less. (Be a nicer driver in general.) Final Grade: A- I've had a few moments that weren't my finest, but don't really honk anymore!

3. Volunteer at a local non-profit. Currently considering Infant Crisis Services, Citizens Caring for Children, and CASA. Final Grade: D- I get to volunteer some, but not nearly what I had in mind. Let's remember I also wasn't working full- time when I made this list!

4. Show my face and get to know students at Destiny Urban Academy on a regular basis. (I'm on the board of this school and have only visited the students once in almost a year. Not acceptable!) Final Grade: D- I suck.

5. Send more mail. I think I've sent a total of 5 cards this year. (Not counting xmas cards.) It's always fun to get mail!
Final Grade: A! I tried to send birthday cards, anniversary cards and just because cards. It feels good to send and receive mail.

6. Play some music on a semi-regular basis. (Meaning, an instrument. That guitar is collecting dust!) Final Grade: B- Open Mic has become a favorite time in my empty bedroom.

7. Be vigilant about date nights with your husband. Pick a night and guard it like Fort Knox. Final Grade: Disqualified due to ineligibility.

8. Get serious about your health! Stop watching Biggest Loser and start making changes! Final Grade: B+ I started strong, fell off for a couple of months, then came back really strong. Feeling great and loving yoga! (And I did stop watching Biggest Loser.)

9. Get involved on some level at church. Join a small group, go to a class or bible study. Dare I say Sunday School??? Final Grade: A! I joined a SS class. I even attended the class Xmas party.

10. Take your friendships to the next level. (Remember special times (bdays, anniversaries) LISTEN, be thoughtful, and be REAL.) Final Grade: you'll have to ask my friends...but I think/hope I've been a better friend. B+

11. Take more pictures of your life. Final Grade: A- I actually have recent pictures with friends and family now!
Some are even framed.

I'm working on a list of things for 2012! Stay tuned!

Music: part II

2011-12-01T22:21:00.000-06:00

I told you I would put together a list of heavy-hitter songs for you that have been especially powerful to me. This is not everything, but it's enough to get you started. Some of them have everything and nothing to do with this year. You're welcome.

1. "Keep Breathing" by Ingrid Michaelson (This version from "Live at the Artists Den is my fave.)
2. "Poison & Wine" by The Civil Wars
3. "Northern Lights" by Bowerbirds
4. "New York to California" by Mat Kearney
5. "The Weight" by Joe Cocker
6. "Rise" by Eddie Vedder (This song inspired me to learn the mandolin.)
7. "Dublin Boys" by Antje Duvekot
8. "Angel From Montgomery" by John Prine (sung by Bonnie Raitt)
9. "Blue Eyes Cryin' in the Rain" by Ramblin' Jack Elliot (and it has to be that version.)
10. "Paranoia in B Major" by The Avett Brothers

This is just a sampling. I'd love to hear what you think of these songs and how they hit you.

In yoga tonight, Mandy said, "Strength is not typically gained from things that are easy." I really like that. (And I know she's right.)

30 more days

2011-12-01T08:34:00.001-06:00

30 days after today, I get to say goodbye to 2011. I have all kinds of emotions about it, but mostly I'm looking forward to it. I'm excited to start a new year that won't be overcast with the direct shadow of divorce.

I'm also looking forward to my first travels of the year. My first stop is Pennsylvania. Hopefully the next stop is Seattle and the train to Wenatchee, WA. I'm sure there will be a trip to DC at some point in the Spring. And already on the books is Sloppy Sober Tour 2012 to Aspen, CO.

Just 30 more days. Newness awaits me. I am eager to give it a bear hug and say, "It's so nice to finally meet you."

Thankfully

2011-11-23T18:44:00.001-06:00

I've tried really hard this year to be grateful for something or someone as often as possible. It helps keep my head in the right place. It keeps me grounded and present and positive. Here is a list of a few things. I hope your thankfulness is more often than just on a holiday about Pilgrims and murdered turkeys. I'm trying to make it a habit.

Grateful for:
- a job.
- my mom.
- new friends.
- old friends.
- church.
- neighbors.
- Bauer. (PS I miss him.)
- counseling.
- healing.
- patience.
- newness.
- yoga.
- strength.
- overcoming fear(s).
- family.
- heritage and legacy of/from my grandparents.
- twitter/facebook. That sounds dumb, but I can't tell you how many people I've met and how many messages I've received that I wouldn't have otherwise.
- Memphis.
- a God who makes all things work together for good. Even divorce.
- Kristen, aka Kel, aka the only person who has felt what I feel and speaks the language of divorce so clearly with and to me.
- my former spouse and all I learned about marriage, ministry, God, others, belief, doubt, respect, listening, guitar, music, photography, and being open-minded because of who he was and who we were together.
- a reliable vehicle.
- good health insurance.
- less seizures than last year.
- new babies who think I'm pretty cool and 2 year olds who can talk and are hilarious.
- Coach Taylor winning an Emmy.
- free food.
- paid time off.
- the ability to travel to see my friends who live away from here. ( Hi Tyler, Emily, Jen, Zach, Dax and Aleah. See you soon John & Kim, Steven and Cheryl!)
- the iPhone.
- selling the sentimental to make room for new memories.
- milestones.
- sleep/rest.
- restoration.
- health.
- seasons. Both literal and figurative.
- music.
- traditions.
- quiet.
- podcasts.
- road trips.
- sunsets.
- late nights with friends.
- change.

I could go for days on this subject. I hope you could too.

Merry Giving of Thanks to you and yours!

Inciting incident

2011-11-13T22:23:00.001-06:00

Well, I did it. I created an inciting incident for myself. I threw out something that has potential to change my story.

I sent in my application packet for grad school. I have one thing left to turn in and then an interview. But I'm doing it. I'm not looking back.

I've applied to SNU for the graduate LMFT program. I will pursue the additional coursework to obtain my LPC (license.)

Fresh starts, new adventures and lots of learning coming January 2012. Cheers to inciting incidents.

Expletives

2011-11-09T18:13:00.001-06:00

I'm really pissed off right now. I need some ideas of what to do with my anger. Got any?

In the meantime I'm going to yoga and hoping to namaste this in the face.

Bye.

Limbo and Music

2011-10-31T23:14:00.001-05:00

Fact: My freshman year of college, I won limbo...on roller-skates. Yes I did.

2011 has pretty much been all about living in limbo. Another fact: I absolutely suck at living in limbo. I don't like too many unknowns floating out there. D-word life is all about the limbo. Stupid d-word life.

I've sold a bunch of stuff the past week and I'm co-hosting a garage sale this weekend for even more selling of stuff. It feels good. But at the same time, my house is getting empty. My walls are getting bare. The sound is getting echoey. I'm acting like I have a place to go and someone to go there with and I don't. Is this one of those horse before the cart things? Or leaping before looking? Whatever. I just keep going forward with the waves that seem to be drawing me toward the shore. All the while I'm wondering if I'm really in a rip tide or an undertow and I'm actually being carried back out to sea.

Have you heard the song "Restless" by Switchfoot? It's off their new "Vice Verses" album. It's as though Jon Foreman has been living in my soul. You should listen to it. It is exactly how I feel right now.

I've noticed the last 3 or 4 months that certain music has become more powerful to me. There are some amazing songwriters who have been through some serious pain. The reason I know that is because I have been through some serious pain. Their songs rattle to my core. They ring out in my bones. I've never had that kind of experience with music before. It has been beautiful and moving and sometimes creepy as I hear thoughts from my darkest time(s) articulated so beautifully by people I don't know. I'll try to remember to make a list of the songs I'm referring to. In the meantime, look up Restless.

I've got to stop staying up so late. Seriously. Bye.

This time last year...

2011-10-28T11:27:00.001-05:00

... I was on a three week trip on the East Coast visiting friends and shooting weddings. Well, my former spouse was shooting the weddings. Reminiscing on some sweet memories of those visits. :)

Pictured below: Virginia, Pennsylvania, DC, New Jersey, New York.

Memphis in pictures: Day 4 aka saddest day ever

2011-10-21T23:15:00.001-05:00

Sunday. Last day. Headed home with full hearts and huge grins. We drove the extra 10 minutes to hit Mississippi and then came back to say goodbye to Memphis. I can't speak for Kristen, but I was genuinely sad to leave that city. We were pretty quiet as we made the trek across the awesome bridge over the Mississippi river into Arkansas. We sang some but spent most of our ride home talking about the trip, reflecting on this year, talking about our families and our dreams for the future. Great day.

Memphis is pictures: Day 3

2011-10-20T22:38:00.001-05:00

Civil Rights Museum. Memphis BBQ @ Rendezvous. Graceland. Sidewalk cafe with live music. Elvis statue. Ernestine & Hazels. Beale Street again. Fancy night out. Trolley ride. Celebration.

*Same as the last two posts. All from our phones. All by us. All edited in Instagram.

Memphis in pictures: Day 2

2011-10-20T08:55:00.001-05:00

Beale Street. Lunch at Rum Boogie Cafe. Stranger #2. Sun Studios. Afternoon quiet time at a sidewalk cafe. Glamor Shots in a field. Three tries at eating dinner....but the food was worth the drama. Hotel cable and down comforters. Enjoy.

*all images taken by me or Kristen on my iPhone 3GS or Kristen's iPhone 4 and edited with Instagram.

Memphis in pictures: Day 1

2011-10-19T14:08:00.002-05:00

Open road. Little Rock. Strangers. Sites and sounds. Enjoy.

*All taken with my 3gs iPhone and edited with Instagram. (Except the 3rd from the bottom which was taken and edited by Kristen.

Walking in Memphis...cliche, I know!

2011-10-05T22:57:00.000-05:00

First of all, I've sort of avoided blogging recently because Memphis was exactly what I dreamed it would be and there haven't seemed like adequate words to share with you what the trip was for me. Looking back, I wish we'd set up a Real World: Confessional Cam where Kristen and I could talk about each day. The Kellys really appreciate you following our tweets and thinking we're hilarious. We had a blasty.

What was the point of going?
The main reason for going was because we wanted to take a trip. We both had the itch to get out of town. We also felt like we'd reached a point in our recovery from divorce that we deserved to reclaim a few things. Lucky for Kristen and I, we're pretty much soulmates. We're on the same page with pretty much everything in life. That made it REAL easy to plan and travel together. Also, Kristen's would-be-anniversary was over the weekend we were away and I wanted to celebrate my birthday the way it should've been celebrated. So it was a re-birthday/unniversary celebratory road trip of freedom and independence!

What did you see/do while there?
We made a list of things we wanted to do and places we wanted to eat. We didn't want to plan too much of the trip out, but wanted to have options so we weren't left to recreate the scene from Jungle Book where the buzzards say "Well, what do you want to do?" "I don't know, what do you want to do?" "NOW DON'T START THAT AGAIN!" We hit the Clinton Presidential Library in Little Rock, Sun Studios, The Civil Rights Museum, Graceland (for a whopping 15 minutes), Summer Ave (disappointment), Beale Street, and Germantown. We ate some fantastic food at places like Rum Boogie Cafe, Rendezvous BBQ, Hueys, McEwans, and an Italian place that I can't remember but I do remember it being our 3rd attempt at a sit-down dinner. We took time both Friday and Saturday afternoon to sit an an outdoor cafe, once with live music and just have a snack and chill for a bit. We also left about 1-2 hours a day to just relax in our hotel room. (And you know after a year without cable, hotel cable is like Christmas! WHAT UP DISCOVERY CHANNEL!)

You need to know this:
We took pictures with strangers. We made videos. We made a video of our fingers doing a kick-line to a song from Chicago. We talked like the Kellys pretty much 85% of the time.(*please ask for a live, in-person demonstration.) We sang Lady Gaga's "You and I" twice in a row with the windows down after a fancy dinner. We visited several spots that were in the movie "Elizabethtown" because I am obsessed with it. We slept in every day. We said we were going to split meals and then never did. We pretended to be Beyonce and sang "Love on Top" at least 2-3 times a day. We took a lot of pictures with our phones and very few with cameras. We think Martin Luther King, JR was handsome. We love Memphis and hope to return for a Thunder vs Grizzlies game in the future. Oh, we also only found "real" Memphis when we went to Graceland. The rest of the time, we felt completely safe and not at all in danger of being jumped/pickpocketed/kidnapped. Everyone we talked to was very sweet, hospitable, helpful, and told us we were beautiful and looked very happy. You know the Kellys are always stylin'.

Thoughts/Reflections:
Of course it was nice to be away for 4 days. Of course it was beyond fun to listen to music at a loud volume with the sunroof open and singing at the top of our lungs. Of course it made my heart feel good to laugh to the point of tears over stupid things. The absolute best part of the whole time away was celebrating the milestone of where I stand right this minute as opposed to where I stood 6 months ago. I don't think I stopped smiling from the second we got in the car until we crossed back over the Mississippi into Arkansas to come home. It was one of the best trips I've been on in my life. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that it was mine. It was for me. It wasn't a tag onto an existing trip. It wasn't a business trip. It wasn't to visit anyone. It was to celebrate my life. It was to recognize where I've been and where I am now. It was to embrace happiness. I think I smothered happiness with a big 'ole bear hug and said "It's really great to meet you."

WHERE ARE THE PICTURES?
They're on my computer. They're coming. I promise.

"GOODNIGHT MEMPHIS!" - Sloppy Sober Tour, Fall 2011.

Eastbound and Down

2011-09-21T20:06:00.002-05:00

Facts:

-The list of places to eat is longer than the list of things to do.

-The weather in Memphis is going to be perfect.

-The mayor of Memphis asked to follow me on Twitter.

-The amount of pictures taken on this trip may exceed ridiculous. I'm more than okay with that.

-Every time I type ridiculous I have to have spell check fix it.

-Chris Tomlin just came up on my Justin Bieber Pandora. What?!

-I am putting off packing because it's my favorite part of trip preparations.

-I bought 3 pairs of pants and 2 shirts for less than I paid for 1 hoodie. And that was $20. WHAT UP.

-Since only 1 of you entered the gas station t-shirt contest, I'll be making some killer playlists. ***EDIT*** I had a hand delivered last minute entry. So now 2 of you will battle it out!

-The laundry fairy is real.

Bye.

reflections on being a d-word: addition/subtraction

2011-09-14T22:16:00.001-05:00

Kristen and I talk a lot about how much we've both changed through the process of divorce. It's hard not to look back on who you were before, who you are now, and look at the difference. One thing both of us have tried reeeeaaaaaaallllyyyy hard to do is to empty our lives of the things that don't add to our lives.

That has taken the shape of a lot of different things. I canceled my entire TV service. I took up exercising ~~like a trainer~~ regularly. I'm back at yoga. I'm going to counseling. I'm attending a weekly support group called Divorce Care. I've made face-time with friends a priority. (And I'm talking face-to-face, not via iPhone.) I've tried to evaluate my life and find the common denominators that subtract life. Things are hard enough right now! I don't need something else trying to drag me down into the pit of despair! Sometimes that has meant setting boundaries and saying no to some responsibilities. Taking care of yourself isn't selfish. It's healthy. It's necessary. And the rewards are so much better than pleasing people and being able to talk about the latest episode of Glee. There's a lot of noise in life that just doesn't matter. I'm trying to keep that volume down.

You know what? It feels really good. When you take away the things that are subtracting from your life, it leaves all this room that you can fill with things that give you life. I replaced watching tv with practicing yoga. I replaced eating alone with a support group. I replaced depression with counseling. I replaced a damaged self-esteem with motivation. I've made some new friends. I've discovered some new hobbies. I've re-dreamt some dreams.

Kristen has shared several posts with me from this blog called Zen Habits. Before you start telling me that's new-age and meditation doesn't work and blah blah blah...I'd encourage you to read the post on scarcity. I identify with it right now and I hope these lifestyle changes stick around. I think a scarce life can bring a lot of joy.

I will close with 5 things I like about myself. This is a practice I'm trying to do daily that I borrowed from this blog. (The sociologist in me is LOVING her experiment! I've noticed the longer I go without looking in the mirror, the better I feel about myself.)

1) My fingers and toes.
2) My comedic timing. (*cue drums and cymbal)
3) My hair.
4) My eyes.
5) My random freckles.

I hope you can do some addition and subtraction in your life. I know it's made a huge difference in mine.

reflections on being a d-word: sleeping

2011-09-10T18:19:00.001-05:00

I want to talk about divorce today. That doesn't happen every day so I figure I should take advantage of it.

I'm not sleeping well right now which means thoughts are running and spinning and echoing more than normal. Not sleeping well isn't new to my life in 2011, but it's especially annoying right now. Sleep has always been a favorite activity of mine. Growing up, I shared a room with my sister. Now, you need to know that the only person in my family that enjoys getting up in the morning is my Mom. The rest of us have our own personal rituals for waking up, but we are all the same in that we'd prefer to not talk to anyone until we've been allowed to be awake for at least 30 minutes. (An hour preferably.) I won't speak for my siblings, but I am still very much this way. I lay in bed for about 30 minutes after my 3rd (final) alarm goes off. I get up, get ready, drive to work, and usually don't need to talk to anyone for about the first hour or hour and a half of my work day. I was lucky that the 2 roommates I had in college also followed a similar ritual of waking up. Okay, waking up has very little to do with sleeping. Focus Cara!

One of my favorite memories about being married to my husband was our morning routine. When we first got married, I got up before he did and would get ready and leave for work (usually before he was even awake, much less up and around.) After my seizure, he was the one getting up and leaving for work while I was still in bed. Regardless, the days we would get to be at home in the mornings together, we had this silent language...this rhythm that we danced to while waking up. We would get up, he would make his coffee, I would get my juice. We'd make our respective breakfasts or I would make us pancakes or waffles. We'd usually have music playing or CNN on. We'd eat and drink. Maybe exchange tired faces and a laugh or two...but not really exchange words until we both gave the signal. I have no idea what the signal was...it's just one of those things you figure out when you live with someone. You speak a silent language.

The first house we lived in together had one bathroom and we were up and around maybe 3 days a week at the same time which meant we had to share the bathroom. In my head, I can see us in that bathroom doing this sort of choreographed dance you have to do when sharing a bathroom. It was a pedestal sink too so there was no counter space. Lots of juggling. That silent language came in handy.

Since overcoming my fear of staying/living alone earlier this year, most nights are great. I fall asleep quickly, sleep all night, wake up contemplating calling in sick so I can continue sleeping....etc. I've noticed though that the times over the last 8 months that I've stayed with someone on a trip or someone has stayed at my house, I sleep on a completely different level. I sleep hard. I sleep deeply. I sleep soundly. I wake up feeling completely rested. I know the majority of that is because I feel safe, secure, and connected. I'm not alone. I tweeted the other day:

Immediately after tweeting it, I knew exactly why I stall going to sleep. It's because I have to face the fact, nearly every night, that he isn't there. He's not coming home. It's on me. I have to handle whatever happens in the night. If OG&E shows up with chainsaws and cuts my power and I think a horror movie is about to unfold...I'm going to have to suck it up and start slaying some dragons. Ah HAH! Here is the real issue. It's not that I don't think I can do it. I know I can do it if I have to. Key words: if I have to.

I didn't get married to avoid having to slay dragons on my own at 3am. But it's a nice bonus. Especially when you marry someone who's as tall as a dragon.

This week has been really interesting. I've been more introspective than usual and almost constantly processing. I realized my voice-mail still says my old name. I signed a credit card slip wrong. I nearly had a panic attack thinking I'd left my wedding ring somewhere. I was out running errands and thought "well I'll just ask him to do that." It was like I had temporary amnesia and my brain decided to take a week off of being divorced. "Oh, okay, well we'll just go back to being married," my brain was telling me. I had a Jim Carey moment from Liar Liar where I looked at myself in the mirror and said "PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!"

I miss that silent language. I miss the choreography of living with someone. I miss that underlying rhythm of sharing life.

The question I've had the most over the last few months has been, "If you knew then what the outcome would be, would you still have gotten married?" This question doesn't bother me and it's an easy answer.

Yes. Every day, every minute, every second. Yes.

The person who divorced me, is not the person I married. That's what makes it so easy to answer.

I look forward to sleeping like I used to. Someday.

Memphis or Bust

2011-09-05T10:36:00.000-05:00

I know we said that you were going to pick where we went on our road trip....but we decided we'd rather go to Memphis. (And the fact that nearly everyone said we should go to ABQ made us want to go to Memphis even more. We are such rebels.)

So it's Memphis or Bust.

You can follow our hilarity via tweets @wearethekellys. That way we don't annoy you with our constant reports of having fun and inside jokes on our individual twitter accounts.

If you know of a place we MUST stop and see between OKC and Memphis, let us know. We're trying to go all Elizabethtown on this road trip.

Also, you're welcome to submit playlists or mixed tapes for us to listen to on our adventure! The best DJ mix will be rewarded with a gas station t-shirt. You know you want one.

17 days and counting.

you pick

2011-08-30T22:13:00.000-05:00

Okay. I need your help. Please vote below.

My friend Kristen and I are taking a road trip in 3 weeks! We had been planning on going to Albuquerque, NM because neither of us had ever been, it wasn't too far away, but far enough that it wasn't close and it would probably be cooler (in more ways than one) than OKC. But, this morning, through a series of hilarious emails (per usual) we tossed around the idea of going to Memphis, TN!

As some of you may or may not know, Kristen and I decided if we were to ever become stand-up comedians, we would call ourselves Sloppy Sober and our fall tour would kick off in some random smallish city. We practice saying "GOODNIGHT MEMPHIS!" and dropping our mics and walking off stage. This has grown to a level of outrageous where we have decided we will have dance routines, matching sequin outfits, songs, impressions...you name it, it's probably in our "show." And we don't care if you don't think this is as funny as we do.

So, instead of flipping a coin and continuing the "No really, I don't care, we can do whatever" emails, we decided we would take it to the people and let them decide which way we're headed...EAST or WEST. So please, humor us and tell us where you think we should go! (PS, The annual balloon festival in ABQ is in October, so don't let that factor into your decision.)

Albuquerque, NM

OR

Memphis, TN

update

2011-08-15T21:42:00.000-05:00

Things I'm doing right now:

-playing music regularly.

-taking a rowing class. (Like, "Crew" rowing.)

-getting rid of some baggage. (literal and figurative)

-exercising regularly.

-spending as much time as possible with people.

-participating in a weekly Divorce Care class/support group

-going to counseling.

-dreaming some dreams for the (near) future.

-planning trips to visit people I miss.

-contemplating some decisions. (housemate, selling my car)

-borrowing JP's mandolin and learning to play it!

-thinking about going back to school.

-finishing Season 1 of Arrested Development.

Thank you ALL for your comments and emails and messages of support. I'm doing okay; taking it one day at a time. I can't believe it's already the middle of August. I'm so ready for September and October to be here. They are my favorite months of the year. And then, before you know it, December will be here and we all get a chance to have a new start. I know I'm looking forward to a new year!

PS: Happy back-to-school! "I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I had your name and address."

d word

2011-07-02T13:02:00.000-05:00

John Mayer said this: "I can tell you this much, I will marry just once." ("Home Life" from his Heavier Things album.) Oh John....I thought the same thing. Forever is forever. A covenant is a covenant. Til death means....well, death.

Here's the thing. Sometimes people change their minds. Sometimes, it doesn't matter how much you want to be married or how much you want things to work or how much time and energy you put into someone, they still have the ability to choose. They can decide to walk away. And that, in a nutshell is what happened to me circa January 18th. More solidly February 11th, semi-permanently March 18th, and legally April 7th.

I've compiled a list of words that start with "d" that I have felt or are associated with my situation over the last 6 months.

Derailed
Devastated
Disappointed 
Decision 
Deeply hurt
Dishonest
Dikes
Development
Disaster
Dumped
Duped
Dumb
Discombobulated
Dis-chord
Douchebag
Diamond
Dick
Deserted
Devotion
Dagger
Dollars
Dents
Drowning
Desk job
Doing
Deceived
Desire
Denial
Defining
Damnit (*Sorry Mom.)
Dawn 
Don't  
Dig Deep
Dancing
Disconnected
Dictatorship
Distance
Disfunction
Divorce

Yep. Divorce. That's the d word. It is such an ugly word. It carries a lot of baggage. I don't like saying it. I don't like saying "ex" before the word husband. I don't like the year 2011. I'm sure I won't feel that way forever....but I do right now and in the practice of honesty, I'm not going to sugar-coat this.

In the beginning of all of the chaos that has been 2011, I felt like that guy that Tom Hanks was playing in Cast Away. I felt like a plane crashed right into my life, over an ocean, and I was the only survivor. And of course that ocean was in the midst of both a tsunami and a hurricane. I felt like the first time I tried the Wave Pool at White Water and went too deep. I was just getting kicked in the rear by waves from all sides. I was gasping for air.

My chest physically hurt until somewhere in the middle of March. It felt like my heart had literally broken into 12847193723847102834 pieces and yet were all still loosely held together by really worn out threads. And somehow, my heart was still able to beat. But it was like 4 different sections all had different beats. I felt like I could hear all the clanging and banging and chaotic tumbling the pieces were doing in there. All the while, feeling the literal pain of it trying to simultaneously function and keep me alive. It was brutal. I’ve never felt anything like it before. My _____ was shattered. I’ve inserted different things into that blank over the months.

Brain. Heart. Soul. Body. Self-Worth. Confidence. Marriage. Identity.

I’m happy to report, now, standing on the other side of the year, July 1, 2011, I have hope. I still have my days...but they are fewer and farther between. The waves have calmed down. They’re still there, but I found a piece of the wreckage and I have clung to it. Recently, I found a life vest. That has allowed me to have times of rest while I’m treading water. Down the road, there will be a boat. And I’ll climb inside. And I’ll find my way to an island. And I’ll open my mysterious Cast Away packages that contain hope. And I’ll put them to use. And eventually....somewhere in the future....I will build a raft and I will conquer the ocean. And I’ll get scooped up my a big ‘ole fishing vessel that will bring me to shore. Back home. Back where my heart is whole and healed. And hopefully, that shore will have a person standing on the shore waiting to share life with me. Forever. Till death. And they will wake up every morning and choose me. And if that happens, I’ll have a big party and you’re all invited.

Now, I hope that takes care of the questions and if it doesn’t....just keep it to yourself. I’m ready to move forward.

i promise i'm coming back

2011-06-29T22:19:00.000-05:00

I really am. I get to skip out on my 9 to 5 for a few days away in DC for the 4th and I couldn't be more excited. I have a layover on the way there and am planning on doing a major blog/life update during that time. So watch your RSS feeder this weekend!

Until then, you'll have to keep making up stories about my life. :)

it's may

2011-05-06T23:38:00.000-05:00

PTL. I made it. It's freaking May. Thank goodness. I will write a blog soon that fills those of you in who are still in the dark as to what I'm referring to. Sorry to make you wait a little longer.

In other news, today I had a great hair day, felt really pretty, felt skinny and had lots of self-confidence. This hasn't happened in a long while. I enjoyed every minute of those feelings today and hope today won't be the last time I feel that way.

That's all for now.

PS: I'm learning to speak a new language. I'm speaking this language with some new friends. They happen to be speaking the same language too. It is scary. It's sad. It's funny. It's comforting. It's deep breaths of fresh air. I will reveal this new language soon.

Happy May everyone.

profound statement

2011-04-10T21:53:00.000-05:00

I got an email this weekend from my friend and neighbor Ashley. I think she's pretty eloquent. I think I am not. She said this:

"Please let me know what language you speak in these times. I'll learn it."

I thought that was so profound. After thinking it over, we all speak different languages at different times in life. I speak one language in happy times. I speak another in hard times. I speak another with family and another with friends. I speak one with kids and one with adults. It's hard to be multi-lingual. And it's hard to translate others languages in different seasons of life. What a good question to ask.

For the record, I speak the language of humor and ice cream and movies in times like these.

What language do you speak and when?

35 emails

2011-03-22T20:26:00.000-05:00

That's how many emails I had in my work email this morning. This is my first day with access to my email. Lots of those were hellos and welcoming words from friends around campus (here and afar!)

My brain is swollen from all the information it's had to soak up the last 2 days. It's like starting a still merry-go-round. It's going to take a few hard pushes to get it spinning. That's what my brain feels like. I'm confident I'll be able to handle it once I get the wheels spinning!

Oh, and I can't wait to work out in the fitness center. Who says that?! Someone who gets bonuses for working out, that's who!

they deserve a listen

2011-03-15T11:44:00.000-05:00

You should find a way to listen to these people....

: The Civil Wars

: First Aid Kit

Specific Songs...

: Same In Any Language---(I Nine)

: Leather and Lace---(Stevie Nicks & Don Henley)

: Orphan Girl---(Emmylou Harris)

: We Belong---(Pat Benetar) (That's right. I said it. This song makes me so happy and dancy.)

new year efforts: checking in!

2011-03-12T12:58:00.003-06:00

I'm checking in to let you know how I'm doing with my New Year Efforts so far! I graded myself, so cut me a little slack but I tried to be really honest!

1. Be nicer. (React slower, keep your mouth shut, be stingy with your opinions.)
----I'm working really hard on this one. So far, I feel like I'm doing pretty well! A-

2. Honk less. (Be a nicer driver in general.)
----Surprisingly, I've done really well with this! (But I will admit, this last week I've done a lot of talking to other drivers from behind my car windows.) B+

3. Volunteer at a local non-profit. Currently considering Infant Crisis Services, Citizens Caring for Children, and CASA.
----*crickets chirping* F

4. Show my face and get to know students at Destiny Urban Academy on a regular basis. (I'm on the board of this school and have only visited the students once in almost a year. Not acceptable!)
----*more crickets* F

5. Send more mail. I think I've sent a total of 5 cards this year. (Not counting xmas cards.) It's always fun to get mail!
----I've sent 5 cards so far! A!

6. Play some music on a semi-regular basis. (Meaning, an instrument. That guitar is collecting dust!)
----I've played my guitar a few times, but not regularly. B-

7. Be vigilant about date nights with your husband. Pick a night and guard it like Fort Knox.
----I'll skip this subject for now.

8. Get serious about your health! Stop watching Biggest Loser and start making changes!
----I was doing really well with my Jillian Michaels dvd and Zumba. But Jillian has been on vacation for a few weeks. :-/ C-

9. Get involved on some level at church. Join a small group, go to a class or bible study. Dare I say Sunday School???
----I'm currently doing Financial Peace for the second time. B+

10. Take your friendships to the next level. (Remember special times (bdays, anniversaries) LISTEN, be thoughtful, and be REAL.)
----B+

11. Take more pictures of your life.
----D. I'm not completely failing but I'm not passing either.

That's all for now.

break

2011-02-15T15:48:00.000-06:00

I'll be taking a break from blogging. Feel free to email me (carazoch@gmail.com) in the meantime. I will miss you blogosphere and my bloggy friends.

overcoming it

2011-02-07T19:23:00.000-06:00

I conquered a fear this week. A big fear. I'm reaaalllllyyyyy proud of myself! For a long time....like my whole life...I've been afraid of the dark and I've never stayed overnight alone. I get paranoid really easily and so I've always made arrangements for when Carl goes out of town. This week I decided it was time...I had to conquer the fear of sleeping in the house alone.

SO, with Bauer at the foot of the bed, (who I knew would be ~~ferocious~~ sorta startled if anyone tried to break-in) I made it through Monday night only waking up about 9 times. I learned to take off Bauer's collar so I wouldn't wake up to every jingle he makes when he switches sleeping positions. All the nights since have been totally fine. It's weird...after the first night, it's been no big deal. I think being semi-snowed-in helped me psychologically. It was like I had no choice.

So, on to the next! Anybody else out there conquered a fear recently?

Not sorry for you

2011-01-31T23:42:00.001-06:00

I just can't feel sympathy for people who wait til the snow is actually falling to run to wal-mart....and then tell everyone how annoyed they are over social media. It's called planning ahead. Try it some time.

#justsaying
#snowmygosh2011

And yes, I brought hash tags to the blogosphere.

Just a song

2011-01-30T00:35:00.001-06:00

I got suckered into watching a Miley Cyrus movie. So sue me. It had Greg Kinnear in it! I love him! Anyway, I liked the closing song (of course sung by Miley.) Here's some of the lyrics. This is a lame post. Sorry.

"When my world is falling apart
When there's no light to break up the dark
That's when I, I, I look at you

When the waves are flooding the shore
And I can't find my way home anymore
That's when I, I, I look at you"

I'm going through a lot right now and I just really like these words.

Bye.

26

2011-01-15T13:49:00.001-06:00

Welp. Here goes being 26!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

we're still the best

2011-01-03T19:56:00.001-06:00

We make really good Christmas cards. We don't send very many out, but we try to be funny in different ways each year. This is our card from this year. Yes. We're awesome.

It's happened

2010-12-28T20:01:00.001-06:00

Well, it was inevitable. I just was so sure it would've been longer before it happened. I'm not near old enough for it to be here already, can I?

I'm talking about the cyclical motion the fashion world moves through. In middle school I was sure I would never wear jeans that didn't go over my shoes. Oops. Skinny jeans are my friend. Tonight, it happened. I saw them in Target.

What?! Shortalls and overalls are back!!! I wore overalls and a white shirt with blue sneakers 6 days a week my entire 6th grade year. I know now how frumpy and unflattering they are, but at the time I thought there was nothing better to wear.

I also saw a pair of floral patterned jeans in the girls section. I used to wear tons of floral shirts, turtlenecks and rompers back in the day.

Crap.

new year efforts

2010-12-20T13:32:00.000-06:00

I'll be adding (and hopefully not subtracting) from this list of goals for 2011!

1. Be nicer. (React slower, keep your mouth shut, be stingy with your opinions.)

2. Honk less. (Be a nicer driver in general.)

3. Volunteer at a local non-profit. Currently considering Infant Crisis Services, Citizens Caring for Children, and CASA.

4. Show my face and get to know students at Destiny Urban Academy on a regular basis. (I'm on the board of this school and have only visited the students once in almost a year. Not acceptable!)

5. Send more mail. I think I've sent a total of 5 cards this year. (Not counting xmas cards.) It's always fun to get mail!

6. Play some music on a semi-regular basis. (Meaning, an instrument. That guitar is collecting dust!)

7. Be vigilant about date nights with your husband. Pick a night and guard it like Fort Knox.

8. Get serious about your health! Stop watching Biggest Loser and start making changes!

9. Get involved on some level at church. Join a small group, go to a class or bible study. Dare I say Sunday School???

10. Take your friendships to the next level. (Remember special times (bdays, anniversaries) LISTEN, be thoughtful, and be REAL.)

11. Take more pictures of your life.

It's a place to start. When I add items or accomplish/"in-progress" items, I'll re-post the list. Who's with me?!

move it

2010-12-16T13:14:00.000-06:00

People. Get off your phone. You're not able to notice when the light turns green and it makes me upset at you. When I'm upset, I tend to honk. So when the light has been green for a good while and you still haven't moved, I will honk until you move. And I'm not sorry.

Sincerely,

-citizen

Sickly

2010-12-03T17:13:00.001-06:00

I haven't been sick in a long time. Especially stay-in-bed sick. I have had a fever for 2 days of 102. I haven't had a fever since I don't know when! I apparently got bronchitis overnight and it has a deathly grip on me. Ugh! After catching up on my shows which took all of 4 hours yesterday....I've been using Hulu and Netflix for all they're worth. Unfortunately, I can't remember anything I've seen! I'm on cough meds with codeine so I've been living in a cloud of sitting up, laying down, going pee, laying down, sitting up....you get it.

Here's a pic of my side-table.

I'm pathetic. My sweet husband is doing his best to take care of me. Even at 25, I still want my Mommy!

Well....that is all.

Returner

2010-12-01T18:15:00.001-06:00

Out of every purchase, I return at least one item probably 75% of the time. Doesn't matter how long I tried it on for. The percentage goes up if the item was expensive or full price. I just almost always feel like I can get a better deal so I take it back.

Why is that? And can I get a witness???

things that are free

2010-11-21T19:44:00.001-06:00

Yikes, I love things that are free. Pretty much anything. I've been downloading free fonts, free labels, free cards, free wrapping paper (like I'm going to print that?) and free backgrounds. Join the fun!

I found most of my freebies through How About Orange (blog) that I follow. Just click the "free downloads" button. There's tons of good stuff available! This is my favorite and I don't know why. I just like all the colors.

New Beginning

2010-11-18T01:02:00.000-06:00

My cousin and her husband will be reunited tomorrow! I am nervous and excited for them. I'm staying here this time, but I'm so excited for them to get back and pick up where they left off 4.5 years ago. This is an exciting time. What a way to lead up to Thanksgiving!

The final step is Tuesday with his final interview and then we wait for his green card to be delivered which could be 1 to 7 days. We're hoping for just 1!

Eeeeeeek! I'm so excited! You can catch up here.

Random thoughts

2010-11-14T23:41:00.001-06:00

I just watched the P Run finale (like 3 weeks late) and I'm super upset about it! Gretchen? Are you kidding me?

Parenthood is an amazing show.

I need someone to come unpack my house and organize it. I'm not motivated.

K bye.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sharing

2010-11-05T14:14:00.000-05:00

I've been sharing my blogging with my travel blog. Mostly because I've been on the road for 3 weeks. Go check it out!
www.ribbonofhighway.tumblr.com

i'm a man's man.

2010-11-03T15:29:00.000-05:00

I shot guns today. Big guns. And it was awesome.

Proof.

Big thanks to the Herberts for inviting me to come out for Warrior Day! I had a blast! Zach graduates from TBS tomorrow. The Zochs are super proud of our friends!

victory!

2010-10-06T17:47:00.000-05:00

I JUST FOUND THE PIECES TO OUR BEDDDDDDD!!!!!

We've been sleeping on our mattress on the floor since Friday and I just can't sleep!

Today, I was on a mission to find those blasted pieces. We knew they were here, just didn't know where. I started unloading tubs that we'd moved.....I just had a feeling about this certain tub.....I almost gave up and then VOILAAAAA!!!! YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!

Commence dancing around the entire house to Miranda Lambert and Tim McGraw.

Observant Olivia

2010-09-28T16:20:00.002-05:00

People are interesting.

I went to the bank. They had double charged my car payment. I appreciate them trying to pay off my loan faster, it's just that....well I can't afford it Mr. Banks. The teller, who had assured me last week that the online payment wouldn't be taken til next month, told me I must've submitted a second document. I assured her I had not, showed her my receipt with her initials showing the payment was to start 10/23/10 and she continued to tell me I had done something wrong. Okay Beverly. Smile. How can we fix this problem? Great. I appreciate you refunding me the second payment. Have a great day. I smiled to myself as I have been practicing restraint in my tendency to react defensively and quickly. Good job self!

Second bank. I need to deposit checks. Oops, I have a lot of checks. The teller helps me fill out my deposit slip while we make surface conversation. Upon handing me my receipt she asks if I take pictures (based on the checks being made to CarlZochPhotography.) I explain, she smiles and says "That's cool. Looks like it pays well." I make a confused face not sure what to say in return (only thinking of how much we pay in taxes and how that is a common misconception.) I said with a smile, "Thanks for your help!" and left. That was an interesting choice of words to say to a customer, ma'am. I don't think it's necessarily appropriate for you to comment on my finances. Hm. I stayed confused and kind of shocked at what happened while I drove to Target.

I ate alone at Taco Bueno and sat behind a family. It's super fun to observe people, especially parents. Especially parents of difficult children. Especially when the dad/husband is totally disengaged. I'm not judging. I realize we sometimes catch people in their "not-so-shining" moments. I try really hard to keep myself rooted in every day reality especially when I'm listening in on other people's conversations.

Oh, and then when I left Target, I was following the parking lot "understood etiquette" that you drive to the end of the row of spaces and then out. Sadly, Mr Senior Citizen in his large Chrysler decided he'd like to drive across the parking lot sideways. This is SO breaking parking lot etiquette. Since he decided to pull out in front of me (I guess he didn't see my large red SUV within 10 feet of his car) I gave him a friendly honk. He lurched to a stop so I proceeded. While passing, I observed him to be yelling and explaining through rolled up windows (I'm guessing?) what he was trying to do. I gave him a friendly smile and wave. He proceeded to break the rules across the parking lot, nearly hitting several other cars. Interesting, sir. You are interesting.

Go observe some people!

U-Haul, We bawl.

2010-09-03T16:26:00.000-05:00

We have this thing we do. It's called moving. We love it and hate it....and we have different reasons for those feelings.

Right now, I'm sitting staring, defeated, by a kitchen full of dishes. Why do we have so many dishes? Oh yea. We registered for 3 different sets because someone (my mom) told us to get a variety so people could choose. Well, and we registered for 4 place settings of 3 different sets. And we got them all. Plus the salad plates and coffee mugs and bowls. That's a lot of dishes. Oh, and 1 set we have 8 place settings for. Whaaaaaat?! Why?

I am defeated.

project runway

2010-08-26T22:33:00.000-05:00

so. much. drama.

know-it-alls, outrageous dressers, bi-polars and "cray cray"s.

whatever. make it work.

PS, I do not like Gretchen. I literally talk to my tv and tell her to shut-up every week.

House on the Hill

2010-08-20T20:48:00.000-05:00

I love visiting my G&G's house in Independence, KS. They have nicknamed their homeplace "The House on the Hill." On their answering machine they (in unison) say, "This is the house on the hill. Please leave a message" in their sweet old shaky voices. I love the prayers my grandpa makes rhyme at the dinner table. I love the way my Grammy rolls her eyes and shakes her head at my Grandpa's stories and says "Here.....here" which is her way of calling him out or correcting his memory. I love it all. I love them. You would too.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Arg

2010-08-12T17:03:00.000-05:00

We bought a car for me!
-It's weird.
-It's nice.
-I don't feel like it's mine.

I hate money.

We need a place to move! Our landlord is selling our house and our lease ends Sept. 9th.
-getting nervous.

In other news, I've sold some stuff on Craigslist like a wheeler-dealer.

what i'm thinking today

2010-07-24T16:07:00.000-05:00

1) You can't have roots and wings.

2) Everyone has problems. Everyone. (No really. Everyone.)

3) Technology can become a tangly web. (As I type this on a piece of technology being sent over another form of technology to be read on another piece of technology.)

Love/Hate

2010-07-06T14:34:00.000-05:00

I love:
-clean sheets on my bed.
-pedicures.
-setting off fireworks!
-a clean house.
-dining al fresco.
-rainy/cloudy/cooler days.
-spending time with my husband.
-dinner at my mom's house.
-rearranging furniture.
-purging items from my house! (a whole car-full to the church/Goodwill/recycling bin!)
-putting old cd's on my computer and re-living high school and college through music.
-scheduling a sushi making class to do with my husband.

I hate:
-bauer escaping our backyard.
-driving around my neighborhood hanging out the window whistling and clapping like an idiot looking for said dog.
-my lovely neighbors setting off fireworks until 1am for several nights in a row. And this afternoon. (Why? It's the 6th of July!)
-car shopping. Seriously. I'm looking at every single car on the street in a new way.
-being a picky/particular person. (I can't help it!)
-looking for a new place to live. (I am not doing another year in this bug infested, backed up shower drain, dog hoodini backyard, outdoor laundry room, too big to keep up with, tiny kitchen of a house!)
-doing laundry. Especially in afor mentioned laundry room.
-working out.
-junk mail and organizing mail in general.

What do you love/hate?

Netflix

2010-07-05T14:27:00.000-05:00

So.....Netflix is awesome. I have been watching about 2 documentaries a day this weekend. I'd encourage you to do the free trial and watch a lot of documentaries. I'd highly recommend No Impact Man. Got me thinking about my consumption.

I watched:
King Corn
Deliver Us From Evil
No Impact Man
Stronger, Bigger, Faster

Now, it's time to find a car with A/C.

i've decided

2010-06-27T15:02:00.000-05:00

i'm going to have a birthday party next year. i'll be in Hawaii on my actual birthday, but after last night's wedding and an amazing 27 year old's birthday party that included a bouncy house castle, i've decided that life is to be celebrated.

so watch out. serious party coming in January 2011.

Results

2010-06-17T15:26:00.001-05:00

EEG: Unremarkable.
MRI: Unremarkable.

That means they didn't find anything. Grrrrrrrr! It seems that square-1 and I are doing a lot of bonding. I'd rather bond with something else.

I started my new medication last week. I have the next 8 weeks to see how it goes and then it's back to the doctor to see how we're doing. No seizures since May 17th. I'm not that impressed since I've gone 6 weeks before. We'll see.

Let's talk about something else.....Ummmm. Oh! My garden! Well, pot garden. No, I'm not growing pot, I'm growing stuff IN pots! Tomatoes (2 kinds) bell peppers and a jalapeno plant plus some cilantro. I had my first harvest this week! Woo hoo! 6 cherry tomatos! They're currently decorating the counter of my kitchen, but they are BRIGHT red and I can't wait to eat them.

Bye now.

Oh yea, it's 90 in our house right now. Thankful we have an awesome landlord that takes care of us! Air guy just arrived to save the day!

Brain Test

2010-06-09T09:49:00.001-05:00

In case you missed it, here's me getting my EEG done on Monday. I think it should replace waterboarding as a form of torture. Keep people awake for 24 hours and then place a strobe light right in front of their face for a few minutes. I promise anyone would crack.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

his and hers

2010-05-31T14:20:00.001-05:00

This is a "What's in your bag?!" blog! I compared Carl's pockets to my bag.

His:
-iPhone
-Sunglasses
-Watch
-Keys
-Wallet

Hers:
-Yellow Clutch/Wallet (I take this out when I'm just running in somewhere. Everything else in my bag is no big loss. But I'll never leave my wallet in the car! (Learned that the hard way.)
-Brown/White bag contains allergy medicine for allergic reactions (epi-pen, fast acting benedryl) 3 kinds of lotion, dramamene, Tide pen, band-aids, IBprophen, antacids, moist toilettes...)
-Camera and battery charger
-1 necklace and 1 medical ID bracelet
-Ponytail holder and 2 bobbypins
-Reading/driving glasses
-Sunglasses
-2 pairs of earphones
-Icebreakers sour candy
-Travel tissues
-Burt's Bees chap stick
-Gum
-1 dime
-Daily meds holder
-A pile of trash
-Black bridesmaids bag holds personal bathroom items
-Plastic bag holds Claritin that Carl requested I bring to the studio 4 days ago
-Random items found...safety pin, toothpick, and paper clip.
*Not pictured (iPhone used to take these pics.)

What's in your bag?

medicine

2010-05-30T16:55:00.000-05:00

I know medicine is a good thing. I know it does great things for people. I know it's come a long way. I know it can be really helpful and healing.

I just wish all the other stuff didn't come with it. The good never comes without the bad. Side effects are a given. We weren't made to be on medication long-term. I'm ready to quit.

Bye.

nothing happenin'

2010-05-21T21:22:00.000-05:00

I'm in a blog slump. Nothing's happenin'. Then when I do write something, I only get 1 comment. I think part of my slump is because I don't think anyone's reading so why put forth the effort. Then I realize how many blogs I read but don't comment on.....double standard.

I've been sick the last week and a half. Annoying sick. I already function in a state of fatigue and lack of energy due to my seizure medication so to be sick takes it to the next level. The next level involves the couch and having to lay down nearly all day. No offense, but I lived that life for an entire summer in 2008 and it gets old really fast. Plus, we own no movies and I never unpacked the DVD player so I'm left with what's on TV. This has led to lots of trashy tv watching. I discovered BBC today so I watched a lot of documentary shows which made me feel a little better. (At least I'll be learning things while I watch tv. Right?!) But then I watched a lot of Real Housewives of this and that.

I've spent some time reading today. I'm borrowing a book from a friend called Taking Charge of Your Fertility. Before you ask, we're not trying to get pregnant! Due to some of my health issues, we've decided to go off of birth control to allow my body to get back to a "normal" state so that we can better figure out what is going on. This book is amazing. It should be required reading for every woman. I wish I'd known about it sooner. However, I think I would've received it's information a lot differently if I'd read it before taking this journey into natural wellness and alternative medicine. I've had lots of discussion with my friends recently about birth control. We have all kind of landed in the same place. It seems to do more harm than good. Sure, some people have no issues and think it's the greatest thing. I didn't have a bad experience with my birth control. I just started thinking about how I am doing all these things to get healthy and to get my body operating the best it possibly can naturally. However, birth control is not natural. It causes your body to have extra hormones and stop a natural process every month. I don't know, that's just where I'm at right now. What do you think?

I'm still on the gluten-free journey. Carl's mom brought me 2 gluten-free cookbooks on her visit last week. I'm just now getting a chance to go through them and start marking things I'd like to try. The thing with gluten-free is that you can't do anything fast. Everything takes time to make. I miss being able to just put something together really quick. Oh well, it's not like I'm working full-time!

I've started having some new issues with my right arm and hand. I'm going to an epilepsy specialist at OU next Friday. I'm really excited and hopeful that I will finally be teamed with a doctor who can help explain and figure all this out. In similar news, I hit the 2 year mark on Thursday! Two years ago I had a grand-mal seizure that set this crazy thing in motion. It's led to a lot of tests and doctors visits with very few answers. I think most of the answers I do have were ones I found from researching things on my own!

So, what's next? Well, for starters, Carl and I celebrate 3 years of marriage next Wednesday!

postsecret of the week

2010-05-16T15:37:00.000-05:00

If you don't check postsecret.com weekly, you really should. Here's my favorites from this week. I've talked about my feelings towards leggings before and someone out there agrees with me!

This second one, Frank Warren, the author and instigator of PostSecret, had students write a one sentence commencement speech. He featured some during his commencement speech as well as on the website this week. I love this one. Life is all about balance.

Live Blogging: American Idol

2010-05-05T21:08:00.000-05:00

Commercial 1: A new Shrek movie? What? Hasn't there been like 8 already?

Show: Lee is safe. Good. I don't think he'll win, but I thought he did great last night.

Commercial 2: The new Sears one with breakdancers. I laugh every time. "Circles are out! (makes a face) Whaaaaatt?!?!" I love it. It's a classic "dad" thing to do.

Show: Lady Gaga is so crazy. I think she is the Marilyn Manson on this generation...except she actually has talent and doesn't wear freaky contacts.

Commercial 3: Some commercial playing "Pure Imagination" from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. What a creepy song. The way he sings it....it's just eerie. Now I have goosebumps.

Show: Oh Harry Connick Jr. I have loved you for a long time. I first fell in love with Frank Sinatra and then Nat King Cole and then Tony Bennett and then you. (If we're being technical.) Michael Buble means nothing to me. I think you are the best. Let's be friends. Wait. Whoa. You just dissed Ellen. Not cool.----Okay, bottom 2 are Big Mike and Aaron. Not sad about it. I've been rooting for Crystal Bowersox since day 1. I think Mike should've gone home a long time ago.

Commerical 4: MacGruber movie. Oh dear.

Show: Aaron's going home. It's time.

Commercial 5: 1800contacts. Any of them. All funny.

bye now.

Wal-Mart, seriously?

2010-05-03T19:14:00.001-05:00

If you've been around here for a while you know that I don't like Wal-Mart. Well, more than that. I don't buy anything from them or anyone associated with them (like Sam's.) I'm going on something like 4 years? There was 1 exception in Oakland, CA when my suitcase zipper busted and we had less than 30 minutes to replace it and repack it before getting to the airport. Anyway.....I've done a few soapboxes about why we all should consider boycotting. Now, finally, the media is covering several stories about how bad Wal-Mart is doing at being a corporation and employer. Read below if interested!

Hazerdous Waste

Class Action Suit for paying women less than men

Harry Wayne & Betty Jayne

2010-04-27T20:54:00.000-05:00

I have been fortunate to have some amazing grandparents. Their names are Harry Wayne and Betty Jayne. They are absolutely precious and the cutest ever. We recently spent a weekend up in Kansas to be with them and help Grandpa get his garden going for the spring. Carl took some pictures around the farm and of my grandparents for us to have and enjoy. I'm in love with the pictures, but I love the actual people more. I hope that all of you have a set of amazing grandparents! I hope you've learned to listen when they talk, to remember their stories and make fun of their quirks. I hope you treasure them and value time with them. I know it's been a recent discovery for me. I've always enjoyed visiting them, but in the last few years I've realized all the things I've learned from them and how amazing it is to have such great influences in my life.

in my head

2010-04-12T15:32:00.000-05:00

I blogged 2 blogs in my head last night as I was trying to fall asleep. Of course now I can't remember what they were about. I do remember being like, Wow, that will be a good blog post. Boooo.

In other news I found out who Justin Bieber is by watching last weekend's SNL. What a child. And I'm ashamed to know that I've been car dancing to his jams on the radio thinking it was some Lil' Bow Wow type who must a cutie 12 year old black kid. Nope. 16 year old baby faced white boy. (Who can't dance.) This was similar to the time I found out "The Climb" that I was SO enjoying singing at the top of my lungs was sung by Miley Cyrus.

if you want to

2010-04-04T16:47:00.000-05:00

Check out some pictures from our Hawaii trip over on Carl's blog. There's 3 posts so be sure to look at all of them!

Hoppy Easter Every Bunny!

"Your generation..."

2010-03-31T16:53:00.000-05:00

While I was enjoying my first flight in First Class, (I know!) the RUDE woman sitting next to me asked, "Do you have the time?" I picked up my iPhone and said "3:55. So 2:55 Eastern." She thanked me as she re-set her watch and then proceeded to lecture me on how she read an article the other day that talked about how "your generation" doesn't wear watches anymore and how it's really sad.

What am I supposed to do?! I don't feel like I have the permission to appologize on behalf of "my" generation....and over not wearing a watch, afterall. I don't even remember how I responded but I do remember immediately judging her based on how she was speaking to me. It's like she knew I'd never been in First Class and knew I wasn't worthy enough of the status required to sit in that seat.

Listen here lady. I earned that seat (thank you credit card miles) and the good news is, I can tell time. With or without a watch.

Not to rub it in your face...

2010-03-24T00:21:00.000-05:00

...but we just got home from Hawaii.

Sorry! (No I'm not.) Not much to blog about. Maybe there is, but I'm tired and not motivated.

Let me say again though, that I don't think it makes any sense to wear heels while traveling. Lots of people do it and I just don't get it.

Can anyone tell me when it became exceptable to wear leggings as pants? Pants. Like, with no long top over them. Pants. I don't get it.

Bye.

Vacuuming

2010-03-12T19:42:00.001-06:00

So, I hate vacuuming. I realized today though that I think about a lot of random things while doing it. In the bathroom, I thought about my friends who will be tackling potty training in the next year. I cursed all the dog hair clogging my filter in the living room. In the dining room, I thought, "I hope we have hilarious kids." It was almost like therapy with myself.

Anybody else do this?

Another reason I don't like being a girl

2010-03-10T14:44:00.000-06:00

Getting my car worked on. It's so intimidating. Even oil changes make me nervous. I feel at a disadvantage before I even go because I'm a woman. I start running lines before I go about why I don't need a new air filter or a transmission flush. I try to guess what they might throw at me so I have a defense ready. Does anyone else feel this way? I feel like if I was a man, I'd only be approached about my air filter 1 of every 4 visits instead of every time. I feel like they wouldn't try to sell me on every service because I'd know what they were talking about. On the way here, I thought to myself that when we have kids and if we have a girl, she will be required to take an auto shop class. Heck, I need to! I do know how to check my oil, but I can't change a headlight or a tire. That makes me feel vulnerable. I want to feel independent. Like, really independent.

Am I alone in this? Do men feel this way about anything?

kidish

2010-03-06T14:14:00.001-06:00

Swings and Kites. Those are 2 things that always make me feel like a kid instantly.

props

props (ps, that's me.)

It has been so nice the last few days. Get outside and be a kid!

wish list

2010-03-03T22:17:00.001-06:00

I'd like to be in this lovely spot right now. I feel like I could do a lot of dreaming here and everything would be right with the world.

Something I hate more than jean shopping....

2010-03-01T17:12:00.000-06:00

...is swimsuit shopping.

Ew.

I haven't purchased a swimsuit in nearly 3 years. I don't do a lot of swimming...I'm more of a sun-soaker who gets in to cool off. My life situation has changed a lot over the last 3 years. I managed to stave off the freshman 15 all four years of college....and then I got married. And got a stressful job. And I like to eat when I'm stressed. Especially those foods that are really bad for you. Fatty foods. Yummy, delicious, thousand calorie packed foods. So I gained about 10 pounds. I knew it was inevitable. No big. Then I had a seizure and I became really good friends with our couch. Close friends. Too close. So I gained another 10 pounds. And somewhere in there I was replacing muscle with fat. Ew.

All that to say, we leave for Hawaii in 2 weeks and I have no adequate swimsuit! So I went to Target today to start the search. (Shocker I chose Target, I know.) No dice. While yoga is making me feel better and is slowely building my body back to what it used to be, it won't be here in time for Hawaii.

I'm just sharing because the 99% of you readers are women and you feel my pain.

Too much?

2010-02-19T12:58:00.001-06:00

So, how many times a week is an appropriate amount to go to Target? Different locations of course....

But seriously, give me a number.

PS, I want/need this.

And this coordinating pillow.

The Winter Games

2010-02-14T20:02:00.000-06:00

We just love the Olympics around here. Is anyone else just blown away at how nearly every sport has evolved since we were kids? Tricks are so outrageous now. And I can't get over how far over you can speed skate. You're basically levitating off the ground Apollo! It's only day 2 of competition, but we've been recording and watching as much as possible. The Opening Ceremonies weren't the greatest ever, but I still enjoyed them. (China really set the bar high.)

Speed Skating: For some reason it is really intense to watch, especially short-track. (For me anyway.) They go so fast and are so far over and soooo close together that I'm concerned for their safety. At least 1 person wipes out every race and they go flying into the wall. Ouch.

Moguls: I've watched both men and women's. My body hurts. They are sailing down a black diamond hill, hitting every mogul, completing 2 jumps and someone coming away safely. I saw 2 crashes. Both got up and finished the hill, but I have no idea how. It looks like they were flown from a vehicle into hard snow! Yowzers! One girl has had 6 knee surgeries and walked away with the bronze! Whaaaaaaattt?!?!?!?

Luge: I can't watch it. (Okay, I did...but I can't anymore.) They are just going too fast. Even after all the changes they made to the track, it's just too fast. 90mph?! It's 10mph MORE than the 2006 games.

We're watching Figure Skating, but it's only because freestyle skiing is next.

GO WORLD.

What have you enjoyed about the Olympics so far?

Yogaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh.

2010-02-09T14:43:00.000-06:00

Well, Carl and I started taking yoga this week! We're doing a Vinyasa 1 class three times a week and then a Restorative Yoga class twice a week. We love it. It's been hard and I'm totally sore all over, but it's a good sore.

PLEASE check out our friend Mandy's studio! They've worked so hard to get it up and running. Take advantage of the February special and get 30 days for $60! Unlimited classes!

I can do this!

2010-02-03T20:40:00.000-06:00

I had a research and baking day with my mom. It appears that this no-wheat/gluten-free diet thing may turn into a long time thing. I've noticed a big difference in how I feel and how my body reacts to food. I cheated twice last week. We were snowed in at a friend's house and it was pizza night. I was lazy and went ahead and made my pizza on the community dough instead of making my gluten-free version. The next morning I ate buiscuts. Again. I was lazy.

Back to my story. We made bread, an applesauce spice cake and some pizza crust for me to use tomorrow at pizza night. The picture is of the cake. It is sooooooooooooooo yummy! Gluten-free items have a history of being dense, heavy and dry. We were both nervous how these experiements would turn out. The bread didn't rise all the way, (too cold in the house we think,) but we made it anyway. Honestly, we still have some work to do, BUT, it was SOOOOO much better than the store bought bread I've eaten so far! So I was pleased. The cake. Oh my word. We were shocked! It was moist! (I hate that word.) And it was really good! The pizza crust will have a verdict tomorrow night.

If you have recipes for me to try, let me know!

Be Honest

2010-02-02T00:09:00.001-06:00

People. Your car is not trapped in your driveway. The streets are not sheets of ice. The roads are clear.

You are just lazy.

It's okay! I am too! Just don't lie about it. Turn on your defrost, come back in 20 minutes with your ice scraper and start chipping away. It's great exercise and a swell stress reliever. Get out there and run your errands!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Grammy opinions

2010-01-31T20:00:00.016-06:00

I'm blogging live....ooo la la!

Stephen Colbert...I love you, but you weren't meant to host the Grammys. (Just like Ricky Gervais wasn't meant to host the Golden Globes.)

Lady Gaga and Elton John surprise duet....loved it!

American Idiot cast and Green Day: LOVVVVVVED it! Very unique.

Beyonce-legit. Covering Alanis? Genius.

Pink. Didn't care much for your "outfit", but loved your performance.

Black Eyed Peas....more than terrible. But I enjoyed the robots.

Lady Antebellum. You are in Taylor Swift's live category. Stick to the radio. You were flat the whole time.

Jamie Foxx: Please stop trying to pull a Michael Jordan. You have no future in a music career. And were you really attempting the "running-man" as a legitimate dance move? Please, no.

The Zac Brown Band: You have mad-crazy guitar skills. That's all.

Taylor Swift: You are awkward. You are always flat. I can't tell if your hair is naturally curly or not and that bothers me. I think you should stick to the studio. And please stop swinging your hair around.

MJ Tribute: Celine: I've missed you. Usher: You are showy. Carrie: I love you. Jennifer: You're legit. Smokey: You're the only one who knew Michael.---Did anyone else think about Free Willy when they showed the killer whale? ----PS No one looks cool in 3D glasses. Even celebrities. (Yesssss)

Bon Jovi and Jennifer Nettles: Fairly good. Jennifer saved you. PS. "Living On A Prayer" has been out of your range for some time now Jon.

Haiti tribute: I've loved Andrea Bocelli for a long time. His voice is insanely clear. Mary J, did you know he is blind? I left like you didn't. And you're standing really close to him. But you were legit nonetheless. (And your body is bangin')

Dave Matthews Band: You are great. Still querky. Still singing out of the side of your mouth. Still doing that weird walking/dancing thing you do while playing.

Maxwell: Who are you? Take your stage fog and lame falsetto and go home.

The people Jeff Bridges introduced: We all know you're lip-syncing.

Dre, Eminem, Lil' Wayne: The best part about you guys was Travis Barker on the drums.

Best of the night: Pink. DMB. Mary J and Bocelli.

In other news:
I'm over the auto-tuning.
I'm soooooooooooooooo annoyed with Taylor Swift. She only writes about fairytales. She can't sing live. She can't harmonize. I think she's still 15. And her hair bothers me (as previously stated.)

think about it

2010-01-25T21:00:00.000-06:00

I read an article today that has lead to some great conversations. Just something to think about. Check it out and let's chat.

I don't know why

2010-01-24T21:41:00.002-06:00

But seriously. American Idol and Biggest Loser: Will you PLEASE stop tugging my heart strings?!??! I refuse to shed tears over TV shows (with the exception of Friday Night Lights.) I can't lie. I have been reeeeeeeeeeaaaalllyy close.

Seeing people come from horrible circumstances and situations and overcome them and get a chance at a better life....it stirs something in me. I can't help it. You can laugh at me. I don't care.

In other news, here's a Polaroid from our recent trip to LA! Thanks to our new friends Scott and Mary!

the update

2010-01-13T16:54:00.002-06:00

Carl and I went back to the nutritionist this morning for my 1 week follow up. He is a clinical nutritionist with a background in pharmacology and is currently a candidate for his N.D.. I will be calling him Keith. I've had a really good experience with him so far and feel that he has been the most helpful and realistic in unraveling the web of health issues I seem to be having. I will start with last week and then fill you in on today.

Last Wednesday, I went to have a consultation with Keith. We met for about 45 minutes to talk and go over some "homework" I had done before my appointment; mostly questionnaires. I had a Natural Wellness Screening done and was sent home with more homework and some other tests to complete before coming back. The NWS consisted of getting my vitals, height, weight, etc. I also completed an electrode test which measures how quickly electrical current moves through the body. It also measures your cell walls and water retention. Lastly, I had an iodine test done to see how quickly/slowly my body absorbs it. Turns out, my body is within normal range. I scored well with my blood pressure! Unfortunately, that's about all. I'm retaining water at a fairly high amount, my cell walls are thin and cells move fairly slowly. I have 21 pounds of body fat and am lacking 5 lbs of muscle. I also have an extreme magnesium deficiency. I scored in the age range of a 55 year old woman! Oops! Keith was very shocked at my results. He said he's never had anyone as young as me score so poorly. I was put on 2 supplements and a multivitamin. I was also given a restricted food list to follow for the next week. He is very interested in my food allergies and how that may correlate to my seizures. No wheat/gluten. No dairy. No grains. No sugar. No citrus fruits or tomatoes. Needless to say, it was a VERY hard week! I cheated a few times (wheat was VERY hard to eliminate completely) but gave myself an overall grade of 75%. Going cold turkey was definitely a challenge. My homework was to fill out more questionnaires, have a complete blood panel done, and a urine test to look for metal toxicity.

I was in shock and mourning for about a day over the loss of cheese, butter, tomatoes, bread, ranch and granola. I had an attitude adjustment Thursday night after talking with Holly and realizing that this wasn't the end of the world. Since, I have also talked with a couple of other friends who have either been on a vegan diet or have gone gluten free. I feel very encouraged and hopeful that I can make the best of the new foods I have to eat.

Today:
Carl and I met with Keith to go over my test results and put together a plan for the next few months.

Bad News:
-I am "dangerously low" in Vitamin D. (There is a lot of research showing links between low Vit D levels and seizures as well as other issues.)
-My Homocysteine level was high which could indicate a deficiency in B vitamins. (I had found to be a HUGE link to seizures through a book I just finished reading about treating Epilepsy naturally)
-My hsCRP level is very high which indicates there is some type of inflammation occurring in my body. hsCRP usually correlates to the blood vessels and heart. While he is not ruling this out, it can also be a sign of it in other areas of the body.
-My Free T3 (the non-bound carrier protein associated with the thyroid function) was a little more elevated than he would like.
-My BUN and Creatinine levels are low. This shows I am low in protein and could have malabsorption which means my body is not absorbing the appropriate proteins/minerals. It also shows that I could have muscle atrophy and/or nerve/muscle degeneration. (This is linked to my lack of muscle.)
-Potassium is low. This is linked to the adrenal gland. This could be connected to blood pressure and hypertension.
-Chloride is high. This is also linked to the adrenal gland. This is linked to your metabolism.
-I am possibly not absorbing fats and proteins correctly. My digestive tract is officially under construction.

Good News:
-Thyroid panel came back within normal limits
-I get to eat cheese and tomatoes again!!!

The Plan:
-Continue with Gluten-free diet. This means no wheat. I will be foraging for gluten-free bread, crackers, and other options. I need to be eating 3 meals and 3 snacks a day.
-Up my protein intake. I am supposed to eat 1 palm sized portion of protein, 3 times a day (at least.)
-Have Dr. Waggoner (chiropractor) evaluate me for fibromyalgia.
-Conduct stomach acid and pH tests.
-Conduct blood work and NWS in 3 months to see if levels are within normal range.

I'm sure after reading all that it sounds really bad. It is a lot of information. I felt very encouraged to have some answers and a plan to move forward. I am confident that Keith is committed to getting me better and getting my seizures under control.

Now? We're heading to LA for a week! At least it's the epicenter of the gluten-free revolution!

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg.

2010-01-11T13:47:00.002-06:00

In the last few weeks I've embarked on an adventure of seeking alternative treatment for my seizures. It has been really frustrating. I guess I was hoping for a quick fix but at the same time, I knew it would probably be hard. I've been going to my chiropractor for about 3 weeks to get my spine back in place. As of today, I'm doing so much better! No seizures either.

Last Wednesday, I went to see a clinical nutritionist. He has a 15 year background in pharmacology and is currently a N.D. candidate. I really like him and trust him. I had some tests done while I was there and have been completing some other tests in the meantime. I go back again this Wednesday to see the results and get the news of where we're going to go from there. I'm on a restricted diet that contains: no gluten, no wheat, no dairy. It's insane and really hard. I'm hoping on Wednesday he'll allow me to have my cheese, bread, and tomatoes back.

That's all. And my insurance decided my medication is "not preferred" so they upped the price $50. How ruuuuuuudeeee.

Best of 2009!

2010-01-02T15:19:00.010-06:00

Here are some of my favorites from 2009! It's been such a fun year.

Book: In Defense of Food by: Michael Pollan

Movie: Hmmm. Defiance and Everybody's Fine. Those may be the only movies I saw this year though.

Trips: Well obviously, attending the Inauguration was pretty incredible. My first time to California was a blast thanks to the Herberts. Michigan for Emily's wedding was up there too. Seeing The Counting Crows for free in a small park in Iowa with some of our best friends and my brother was pretty awesome. Oh and then seeing the Cubs play at home while seeing the Pickles in Chicago was amazing. Then, seeing my cousin and her boys reunite with her husband in Mexico was heartbreaking but also incredible. And getting to be in Oregon 3 times in 1 year was awesome too. So.....I can't choose.

Moments: I think my favorite moments this year have involved my grandparents. They're just so darn cute. Seeing U2 live was great.New babies has been awesome! And Carl opening his studio with Aaron Snow has proved to be a great decision.

I hope you've had a great year! One of my goals is to be better at documenting the exciting things we've done this year. As for my 2010 resolutions, they involve getting healthy and losing weight (who's don't?!) And maybe to read more? I haven't really sat down long enough to commit to ideas on paper. Any of you?

10 years ago...

2009-12-31T14:40:00.002-06:00

It's a trending topic today....what were you doing 10 years ago today?

Well, I was 2 weeks away from being 15. I was at Emilie Adamson's house in Yukon for a homeschool party with my mom and siblings. We figured it was a safe place considering the world could be ending. Remember? It was Y2K. Everyone had stockpiled canned goods and water in case something blew up and there was no power. I remember sort of holding my breath at midnight hoping nothing would happen. My dad was working because he needed to be there in case the hospital blew up. It didn't. Nothing did. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Isn't that kinda what it felt like afterwards? Oh...this isn't the rapture, Armageddon or any other type of ending of the world. It's just the start of the year, that's all.

Oops. My bad.

So let me paint you a picture. I was wearing Paris Blues flair jeans, light wash. My favs. A button-up 3-quarter sleeve shirt in a mixture of browns. My hair was at my shoulders (finally) and parted down the middle (not quite as "Aniston" as I'd like to admit.) The make-up phase had calmed down so I looked fairly normal. Oh, and my fly was down the entire night. I noticed in a picture weeks later. Awesome. No boy was crushing on me. No kiss at midnight for roughly 6 more years.

What about you? Anyone locked in the house or cellar?

PS I believe our next door neighbor is still stockpiling for Y2K. Lots of pots and pans and random things in his back room. I think he has weapons burried in the yard. At least I have an ally if anything ever does happen.

This year!

2009-12-28T18:01:00.007-06:00

As promised, pictures of my decorations! This doesn't count some table decorations and the welcome Santa wreath on my front door, but it was a start!

I made this out of childhood pictures of Carl and I's Christmas'.

Red and white polka dotted ribbon with silver snowflakes. (hard to see)

Thank you Target dollar section for my wrapping essentials this year!

Today I bought a table runner and rug for next year. Don't forget to snag after season sales! It's the best time to prepare for next year! Plus, it's like a present to get out your decorations and re-discover what you bought!

Christmas next year

2009-12-21T14:43:00.007-06:00

These are ideas I've stolen for festive attire around the next year. Pictures of what I managed this year coming soon.

Merriest of Tuesdays to you and yours.

cookie decorating

2009-12-10T15:30:00.003-06:00

Last night we hung out with Sarah and Kyle. We really like them. Sadly, we had to schedule a month a head of time to hang out. How lame is that?! We're too busy. Anyway, Sarah made us dinner (yummy!) and had already baked the cookies so we could jump in. I haven't decorated cookies since I don't know when. I had a rough start. I was really only happy with the star and snowmen.

Just a suggestion for those rainy or cold days you want to stay inside! Icing and sprinkles people!

(In case you can't figure out what they are, upper left,....mitten, snowflake, candy cane, stocking, xmas tree, star, snowman w/ crooked smile and hairy eyebrows and joy in his heart, snowman with moustache and scarf.)

Everybody's Fine

2009-12-08T23:54:00.003-06:00

In case you've missed the commercials, Everybody's Fine is a movie that came out last weekend. Google it. Seriously. But more importantly, go see the movie. It is required watching if we are friends. It was very powerful on a personal level for both Carl and I in different ways and for different reasons.

After you see it, let's grab lunch and talk about it.

cliche t-give post

2009-11-26T20:15:00.003-06:00

Thankful: /adj/: at peace, cheerful, comfortable, complacent, content, glad, gratified, pleased, satisfied, serene, beholden, content, contented, grateful, gratified, indebted, much obliged, obliged, overwhelmed, pleased, relieved, satisfied.

Sitting around the table in Oregon tonight eating turkey and fixin's it was time to take turns sharing what you're grateful for. I got a shout out from my husband and the in-laws. Woot! Here's what I said.

I'm "thankful" for my health even though it's not where I'd like it to be. I'm "thankful" that I've been able to assist with our business and that we enjoy it and still get along. :) I'm "thankful" that a year has brought progress and opportunities we weren't expecting. I'm "thankful" that our "hardships" are few and small.

I'm saying "thankful" because it seems like such an overused word at this time of year. Everyone just throws it around like they know what it means. I have no idea what it means. I hope I never confuse it with "privileged." I hope to be more careful to remember to be "thankful" for little things like warmth, shelter, food and people around me.

I'm also thankful for the little boy in this picture who happens to be my husband.

just so you know...

2009-11-17T17:45:00.003-06:00

...I'm going to see Emily in 23 days. 4 days in DC having some friend time.

I.
Can't.
Wait.

PS, Ashley came and made-over my living rooms. Pics to come!

Naturopathic Medicine

2009-11-09T21:54:00.003-06:00

Carl bought me a book last summer called Treating Epilepsy Naturally while he was in Portland just a month after my grand mal seizure last May. I was working through a lot of anger and confusion. You can read any blog circa May-November 2008 to see what I mean. Somewhere in the mix of moving and my mom getting me some books I thought that the book was silly and didn't think to read it.

When frantically grabbing some reading material for the plane ride to New Orleans last week, I saw the book in an unpacked tub (shocker) in my room. I thought, "why not" and threw it in my bag. I've read half the book. It made those feelings of anger reappear. I found out a HUGE load of information that could explain my seizures. I could have hypoglycemia, a vitamin deficiency or about 291238012948 other contributing factors to my epilepsy. Specifically, the type of seizures I have can be controlled in other ways and with little to no medication. I was ready to leave messages for any doctor willing to do tests and figure out how many and/or if I have any of these contributing factors that may be making me have seizures. It's incredibly interesting to find information that is helpful in explaining that my problem isn't rouge neurons in my brain. What news! It's also pretty frustrating. I was mad at myself for not picking up that book a year ago! I could have saved so much time and money! Arg!

I've made it over to one medication instead of two which is nice (and much cheaper!) The dose has been increased. I thought the increase in dose would control my seizures since it seemed to be making a big differences. Turns out it hasn't! I've had 3 different episodes of seizures in the last 2 weeks. GR! So you can imagine how this would fuel my frustrations when reading this book and how I may be going about treatment all wrong!

All this to say, I've gotten some information on some doctors, nutritionists, and made a list of tests I need to have in order to start putting some pieces of this new puzzle together. I'm excited to possibly turn my situation around. I'm also nervous to find out what other problems my body has and how I'll have to fix those first in order to fix the overarching issue of epilepsy. We will see.

The new housey!

2009-10-25T22:56:00.002-05:00

Follow this link to my facebook page to see all the pics (plus some pictures from the amazing U2 concert last week.)

plans for next year

2009-10-17T13:37:00.005-05:00

Go to the Hot Air Balloon Festival in New Mexico. (photo cred)
And sleep in one of these cozy nooks.
(photo cred)
(photo cred)

Plans for tonight: The 3rd annual Zoch-McCullock pumpkin carving fall celebration! I need to redeem myself from last year. I had a terrible pumpkin.

Happy Halloween!

2009-10-15T18:37:00.000-05:00

I love my friends and their silly sense of humor!

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

U2

2009-10-13T17:06:00.002-05:00

We have 2 extra tickets to U2's concert in Norman on SUNDAY. Let me know if you want them! $55/each. They are general admission field tickets.

State Fair

2009-09-29T22:48:00.002-05:00

There's nothing trashier or more entertaining than the State Fair.

There's also no other food that tastes so good yet does so much damage to your insides as funnel cake.

PS: Talk of the year = fried butter on a stick.

We're in!

2009-09-15T18:04:00.002-05:00

BLERRG. We're in the new house! It's official. We've made it through two nights here with loads of boxes everywhere and disorganized mayhem. Every other move, including my move from the dorm into Carl's house when we got married, was very organized, quick and easy for the most part. This move was just stupid. We found the house back in August right before we went to Chicago. Boom! Deposit and lease. Boom! Out of town for 3 weeks! Boom! MOVING! Yowzaaaah.

My usual self unpacks the whole house completely within 24 hours. But yet, here I sit in a crazy chaotic house (that now has internet!) with boxes and newspaper and little of this and that out all over the place. We finally got our clothes put away last night and we now have groceries and toilet paper. What else do we need right now?! Oh wait, maybe a clean and organized house. Sometime this week perhaps.

I can't wait to show pictures of the house! We love it so much!

PS, special arrival this week! Bauer, the 3 year old border college has graduated from "college" at my mom's house! (See...he's 21 in dog years and has been living at my mom's while we haven't been able to have him.) Once the house gets squared away, he'll move back home! Carl is outside his mind excited.

moooooooverific!

2009-09-08T21:20:00.002-05:00

Real-life friends, blog friends, whoever reads this:

We're moving Sunday! Let me know if you'd like to earn some jewels for your crown. Food and beverages in exchange for your labor. Leave a comment or email me for more details.

(carazoch@gmail.com)